Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 21st, 2013
This week the Celestial Sphere is finds itself in the midst of allergens.
Yes it’s true.
Scientists aren’t even aware of this phenomenon.
Could it be Pluto’s pollen exploding into the photo-sphere?
Maybe Mercury’s ragweed is raging.
No one knows for sure.
We are scratching our heads trying to figure it out for you, our faithful followers.
Our eyes are watering as we stare at the midnight sky.
As a result of these misfortunes in space, your fortunes for this week are a bit grim.
We hope your reactions aren’t violent or deadly.
So, get out the Benadryl, or whatever you take for such ailments.
You are going to need it.
Here goes…
Aries… The moons of Jupiter are awry this week. You will suddenly become allergic to all bedding materials.
Taurus… Mercury is coping with a ragweed outbreak. You will be shocked to discover that your allergies will soon include contact with electric eels.
Gemini… The sun is burning up at the moment. You will break out in hives when you see a honey bee, or Dennis Miller.
Cancer… Jupiter could potentially cough itself out of orbit. You will scratch yourself to exhaustion when pesky pollen penetrates your proboscis.
Leo… Neptune is responsible for much hay fever right now. You will soon discover that your EpiPen cannot be used for correspondence.
Virgo… Mars has dust in the wind (Not the song by Kansas). Get out the weaponry. You will soon experience an asthma attack.
Libra… Venus has excess mucus. You will soon realize that a wasp sting is in no way, bling.
Scorpio… Saturn’s rings are tightening. Your allergies to food will put you in a bad mood.
Sagittarius… Uranus is congested right now. You are not alone with your allergy of cologne. Get ready for serious sneezing.
Capricorn… The moon is in waxing gibbous now. You will suddenly become allergic to cat hairs, grizzly bears, and foxes lairs.
Aquarius… The Earth is on the cusp of cat hair. It will be a dirty shame when you discover you are allergic to water.
Pisces… Saturn’s moons are moaning at the moment. You will spend the week chasing your running nose.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 28th, 2013
This week, the Celestial Sphere is chock full of thoughtful treasures.
It contains a myriad of mischief and some misgivings.
Our faithful staff of star gazers has brought you a host of warnings, statements, and predictions to aid your course of action this week.
Enjoy….
Aries… Venus is on the rise. There will be a few bumps in the road, but you have a great future in Phrenology.
Taurus… Mars is in its fourth house at the moment. In spite of your fears, you cannot get lost in a Jacuzzi. There is a map glued to a wall just below the water line.
Gemini… The Earth is on the cusp of Gemini now. Beware; your enemies are planning to juice you.
Cancer… Saturn is square with your sign at the moment. Pay attention. You might just lose your TV remote in a remote location.
Leo… Neptune is in perihelion now. You will be denied a loan for a theme park based on the intestinal system. Your bankers think it will lead to a bad ending.
Virgo… Jupiter is now aligned with Mars. Some people think you’re the kind of person who could turn hot air into balloon rides, just like Dennis Miller.
Libra… Mercury is trine with Libra at this moment. Beware. Your enemies are out to kidnap your occipital lobe.
Scorpio… The moon is in its seventh house this week. Don’t date a clock maker. He/she just wants to see what makes you tick.
Sagittarius… Pluto is rising to the occasion. (We’re not sure which one yet)You will find the answer to this week’s dilemma with a Dremel tool.
Capricorn… The Sun is in its fifth house at this time. Get that target off your back. Or you might be confronted by an angry cross bow archer.
Aquarius… Callisto, a moon of Jupiter, is on the cusp of Aquarius. You may search for sunken treasure, but you will only find a sunken chest in a mirror. It won’t be pretty.
Pisces… Uranus is square with Pisces at this time. You will win the Irish Sweepstakes or sweep floors for a living. It can go either way.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
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