The Horror-scope has been edited due to a glitch which excluded Pisces.
Those responsible are now swimming with the fishes.
Once again, the Celestial Sphere has gathered in ways promising adventures for the adventurous, warnings for those in danger, as well as pleasant surprises for a few lucky ones.
As they say, “It’s all in the stars.”
We have no control over the whims of the celestial bodies, and in most cases we have no control over our lives.
Space is a big place and here we are wandering in it on a rather small orb subject to the vagaries of a cold, airless, cosmos.
Isn’t that a cheery thought?
Aries… Uranus is on the cusp with Aries at this time. You will feel better when a lot of gas has been passed.
Taurus… Neptune is in its seventh house interviewing a handyman. You’ll never get around to ending your procrastination.
Gemini… Pluto is having a flea problem again. Continuous breathing will lead to lung-gevity.
Cancer… Saturn is descending now. Be careful these days. That mine salesman is out to shaft you.
Leo… Venus is trine with our moon. This week you will experience whole grain, a sudden pain, weight gain, and an express train. Whew!
Virgo… The Earth is on the cusp with Virgo now. After careful thought, we suggest you watch your vowels, listen for howls, and threatening growls.
Libra… Mercury is rising at this time. You will be daydreaming of a thrust bearing just before a bus hits you.
Scorpio… Mars is dawdling at the moment. Your petition for a new expiration date will be denied.
Sagittarius… The moon is square with Venus at this time. Your idea for a theme park based on bloodletting is too sanguine.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Saturn this week. You may want to burrow with your burro but it won’t dig it.
Aquarius… Uranus is engaging at this time. Watch out. Your enemies want to reduce you to a nuance, and then introduce you to Dennis Miller.
Pisces…The sun is trine with Pisces at this time. Your idea for a theme park called Giggle World is cute. But you’ll never get a license for all the laughing gas you’ll need.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”