Aries… Mars is trine with Aries now. You may like this. You will be suddenly smitten by a cute, clever kitten.
Taurus… Venus is square with Taurus at the moment. It’s a hairy situation this week. You have a good chance to win a place in the Nose Hair Hall of Fame.
Gemini… The Earth is on the cusp of Gemini. You will have an uncontrollable desire to become a hairdresser for aardvarks.
Cancer… Jupiter is trine with Mars now. Don’t marry a zombie until you get a Pre-nup. Otherwise you might lose your dead skin collection.
Leo… Uranus is in opposition to Leo at his time. Be extra careful this week. You may find an earwig in the Airwick.
Virgo… Saturn is rising now. Pay attention. Eventually everything will be on the test.
Libra… Pluto is in conjunction with Libra now. You will be teased and tased but unfazed.
Scorpio… Venus is square with Scorpio at this time. The stars indicate this week you will recreate with a reckless recluse.
Sagittarius… The Sun is trine with Scorpio at this time. This week you will have some association with origami, hard salami, and a saintly swami.
Capricorn… Mercury is in Capricorn now. You will either meet Dick Cavett, or suffer much pain from a cavity. It could go either way.
Aquarius… Saturn is rising now. You will either cross the river Styx, or play Pick-up Sticks. It could go either way.
Pisces… Neptune is on the cusp of Pisces now. If you can’t fall asleep, drink some warm milk. If you can’t warm some milk, find a warm cow. Or, you might try Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.