This week, the Celestial Sphere is chock full of thoughtful treasures.
It contains a myriad of mischief and some misgivings.
Our faithful staff of star gazers has brought you a host of warnings, statements, and predictions to aid your course of action this week.
Aries… Venus is on the rise. There will be a few bumps in the road, but you have a great future in Phrenology.
Taurus… Mars is in its fourth house at the moment. In spite of your fears, you cannot get lost in a Jacuzzi. There is a map glued to a wall just below the water line.
Gemini… The Earth is on the cusp of Gemini now. Beware; your enemies are planning to juice you.
Cancer… Saturn is square with your sign at the moment. Pay attention. You might just lose your TV remote in a remote location.
Leo… Neptune is in perihelion now. You will be denied a loan for a theme park based on the intestinal system. Your bankers think it will lead to a bad ending.
Virgo… Jupiter is now aligned with Mars. Some people think you’re the kind of person who could turn hot air into balloon rides, just like Dennis Miller.
Libra… Mercury is trine with Libra at this moment. Beware. Your enemies are out to kidnap your occipital lobe.
Scorpio… The moon is in its seventh house this week. Don’t date a clock maker. He/she just wants to see what makes you tick.
Sagittarius… Pluto is rising to the occasion. (We’re not sure which one yet)You will find the answer to this week’s dilemma with a Dremel tool.
Capricorn… The Sun is in its fifth house at this time. Get that target off your back. Or you might be confronted by an angry cross bow archer.
Aquarius… Callisto, a moon of Jupiter, is on the cusp of Aquarius. You may search for sunken treasure, but you will only find a sunken chest in a mirror. It won’t be pretty.
Pisces… Uranus is square with Pisces at this time. You will win the Irish Sweepstakes or sweep floors for a living. It can go either way.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”