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Archive for August, 2013

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 1st, 2013


Hello again.

It’s nice to know that the planets in the celestial sphere are on our side, so to speak.

They give us a heads up on our daily lives.

All we have to do is listen up and act accordingly.

Isn’t life wonderful?

We hope this week brings each of you the realization of your dreams.

If not, maybe next week will fulfill your every wish.

Then again, that’s wishful thinking for a HORROR-scope!

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in its fourth house now. You don’t need a contractor to build new relationships.

Taurus…Venus is in retrograde now. Your enemies are plotting to bake you in a shoofly pie.

Gemini… Mercury  is rising at the moment. You will have the urge to do a charcoal drawing of a char woman in Charleston.

Cancer…. The moon is in its seventh house this week. Be aware. Your enemies are out to whittle you.

Leo… The  Sun is on the cusp of Leo this week. Don’t be alarmed if you suddenly go back in time.

Virgo… Mercury  is rising now. Don’t take a backhoe to a  chiropractor. They generally know little about hydraulics.

Libra… Venus is in retrograde now. You will awaken to find yourself a coo coo bird in a German, Black Forest clock.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its second house this week.  You will soon encounter a swordsman, a sordid affair and/or a sorcerer.

Sagittarius… Jupiter  is descending at this time. Using birth control will prevent you from conceptualizing.

Capricorn… Saturn  is on the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Be aware. Don’t date a lumberjack. They only want to cut you down to size, just like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Uranus  is rising now. You will be famous for your ability to slouch on a couch.

Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now.  Be careful around someone cross, someone cross eyed, and/or cross town traffic.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Times Temper Tested Twice


The NY Times was hacked for the second time this month.

It’s working to make its website available again for all readers after it was disrupted by a group calling itself the Syrian Electronic Army in an exploit that also affected Twitter.

The group disrupted traffic to the websites by hacking yesterday into registration-services provider Melbourne IT Ltd. (MLB), which handles the online addresses of nytimes.com and twitter.co.uk, according to Tony Smith, a spokesman for the Melbourne-based company.

The Times instructed readers who can’t access its home page to go to an alternate site.

Some users initially reported being redirected to the Syrian group’s sites. Many were simply unable to access the pages at all.

 

The Syrian Electronic Army, which backs the country’s president, Bashar al-Assad, has also claimed responsibility for hacking the Washington Post this month and the Financial Times in early May, redirecting readers to its own websites and videos.

“The credentials of a Melbourne IT reseller (username and password) were used to access a reseller account on Melbourne IT’s systems,” Smith wrote in an e-mail. He said the login information was obtained through phishing, a technique used to obtain private data by imitating legitimate websites.

It may take time before all users can get normal access to the newspaper’s site, Smith said. Times employees have been instructed to use caution when sending sensitive e-mails, the newspaper said.

Found at:   http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-08-28/ny-times-twitter-web-address-data-hacked-by-syrian-group.html

Hmmm…

The Syrians attacked again,

Subscribers again complained;

They did it times two,

Who’s next? Maybe you,

We’re sorry’s the current refrain.

 

The Syrians did some Phishing,

For data they were a whishing;

They went through Melbourne,

Resulting in scorn,

The Times must be Syrian dissing.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 25th, 2013


This week’s predictions are a result of fine tuning in our approach to chart reading.

My staff and I just returned from an Astrological Conference on the Isle of Man hosted by the International Association of Astrologers and Tattoo Artists, Inc.

During the conference, there was a demonstration over the choice of the venue, since the majority of the attendees were women. They were upset because the conference wasn’t being held at a more gender neutral location.

Our staff, (three monkeys and an aardvark) enjoyed themselves. The monkeys were especially happy. They spent most of the time at the buffet table eating bananas and other delights, while annoying the women of the hotel staff with their inherent monkey business.

We learned a lot, even though we skipped the sessions involving tattooing in the 21st century.

We hope this week’s prognostications will please you, but there isn’t much of a chance that they will.

Enjoy…

 Aries… Mars is approaching the cusp of Aries now. If water is the universal solvent, it will wash away all your problems, but it may just make you look rusty.

Taurus… Venus is in its fourth house at the moment playing bridge with the occupants. Stay away from all metal objects this week as you develop a magnetic personality.

Gemini…  Mercury is rising and awaiting a new week. You will gain fifteen minutes of fame for your catch phrase, “Say ouch to the pouch.”

Cancer… The Moon is in its Waning gibbous phase at this time. You will awaken to find yourself a pudgy pond frog dining on flies while discussing politics with Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house brightening things up. Your brainwaves will increase should a hurricane or heavy winds approach.

Virgo… Mercury is rising at the moment. Don’t buy a boat. You won’t need one for a root canal.

Libra… Venus is descending at the moment. People are plotting to make a time lapse video of your bodily functions.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its second house this week cleaning up after a party. Keep your thoughts in a journal, not in a urinal.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius this week. You will find fruit flies in your Fruit of the Loom underwear.

Capricorn… Saturn is descending at the moment. In certain circles you will be known as a square.

Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp with Aquarius this week. Your enemies are plotting to press you in a Cuban sandwich.

Pisces… Neptune is in its eight house this week waiting for a Realtor. You will be known for your ambition, and ambiguity.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Cable Causes Copious Complaints to Cops


The Fairfield, Connecticut police department wants people to know that missing your favorite show isn’t an emergency.

That even applies if you are watching shows like, COPS, SWAT, etc.

Fairfield police say they received numerous 911 calls about a cable outage that hit parts of southwestern Connecticut on Sunday night.

Even the police weren’t able to watch their favorite shows.

The message on the department’s Facebook page says the outage is “neither an emergency or a police related concern.”

The FB post warns that 911 should be used for life-threatening emergencies only and misuse of the 911 system may result in an arrest.

Cablevision said in a statement shortly after 11 p.m. that there was a commercial power outage in its Norwalk facility. It says “the power matter has been resolved and service has been restored to our customers.”

Story found on :

http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-odd/20130819/US-Cable-Outage-911-Calls/

Hmmm…

Viewers were calling the cops,

It seems their cable had stopped,

The cops got real hot,

From the calls that they got,

Just because Cablevision had flopped.

It’s not an emergency,

When you can’t watch your TV,

Don’t call 911,

If you’re not having fun,

Just relax and some hot tea.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Friction Found For Forward Favors


No more paying it forward for the driver behind you at the Georgia 400 toll plaza.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, or Girl.

A new rule from the State Road and Tollway Authority bans drivers from paying the toll for the person behind them in line.

That became something of a local tradition over the last 20 years.

But The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that some drivers had recently complained about cashiers pocketing the extra 50 cents when they didn’t see their money being tossed into the coin basket for the driver behind them.

The deputy executive director of the State Road and Toll way Authority, Bert Brantley, says a driver might not see the extra money being thrown into the change basket because the next motorist sometimes declined the money, allowing it to be passed to another driver.

More information at http://www.ajc.com

Hmmm…

You can’t pay forward with tolls,

Though it may be one of your goals;

The state has just banned it,

Some toll takers were bandits,

Save your cash for nasty old trolls.

 

You can’t do a person a favor,

It’s now not proper behavior;

In Georgia it’s wrong,

They’ll give you the gong,

I won’t do it, but maybe you’re braver.

 

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 18th, 2013


This week’s chart readings bring a cornucopia of predictions designed to assist you as well as warn you.

We hope your lives will be more rewarding and less chaotic as a result.

In any event, we have no control over the planets and their influence in our lives.

Our readings and determinations reflect our best guesses for the future.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is going solar now and is on the cusp of Aries. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector.

Taurus… The Moon is getting brighter now. You will soon be known for your ability to aggregate and aggravate.

Gemini… Mars is in its seventh house for an asteroid party. Your sweetness will cause people to mistaken you for the Pillsbury Dough-boy.

Cancer… Venus is in retrograde at this time. You will meet a young linguist named Polly Glot.

Leo… Saturn is rising now toward the cusp of Leo. Be careful. If you consume too much artificial sweetener, you may just fall on your Aspartame.

Virgo… Uranus is descending at this time. You will be considered trendy when you create a quilt out of old underwear.

Libra… Mercury is on the cusp of Libra now. One day you will be known as the oldest person on the planet…Venus.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its fourth house. Your competence in kleptomania will be praised as you serve out your prison term.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in its perigee at this time. One day you will explore your own space environment, and then you will fall on your asteroid.

Capricorn… The Earth is on the cusp of Capricorn at the moment. They say a watched pot never boils, but people will definitely  watch the boils which will form on the back of your neck.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising now and is approaching the cusp with Aquarius. Watch out for solar flares… in your underwear.

Pisces…Atlas, a moon of Saturn is in retrograde now. You will have a sweet date with a darling date farmer.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Bucket Bandit Busted


A bank robber was nicknamed the “Bucket List Bandit” after allegedly telling a Utah bank teller he had just four months to live. He was responsible for a string of heists spanning 10 states.

It was later determined that he didn’t have cancer or any other terminal illness.

“The impetus for the crimes was greed, not grief,” U.S. District Judge Sean McLaughlin told Michael Eugene Brewster, 54, formerly of Pensacola, Florida.

He was sentenced in Erie, Pennsylvania, located 120 miles north of Pittsburgh where his nationwide robbery string ended Sept. 10, 2012. It began June 21, 2012 in Arvada, Colo.

Brewster’s sentence works out to a year for each of the 11 bank heists he committed.

He was arrested three days after the Erie robbery when he ran a stop sign in Roland, Oklahoma.

Federal prosecutors brought him back to Erie and easily linked him to the other robberies because he was seen wearing the same pale blue polo shirt glasses and brushed back hair in surveillance videos.

According to court documents, Brewster stole a total of $33,858 and sometimes threatened tellers with violence and claimed to have a gun. Nobody was injured in the robberies.

More at: http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-odd/20130815/US-Bucket-List-Bandit/

Geez, with all the money he stole you’d think he’d at least buy a new shirt.

Hmmm…

A bank robber said he ill,

He wanted the cash in the till,

The teller complied

Not knowing he lied,

He ran out with a large wad of bills.

He held up a number of banks,

It gave the fed lots of angst,

He ran through a stop

And got caught by a cop,

The banks owe the cop lots of thanks.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 11th, 2013


I’ve been on vacation/holiday for the past few weeks, but the Celestial sphere was still at work.

My staff (three monkeys and an aardvark) were also hard at work reading their charts, throwing feces, and writing this week’s prognostications.

This week’s predictions offer a wide variety of revelations you should be aware of.

They range from lint to literary alliterations, to fish to flares, as well as art to Adam Sandler.

Dig in and find your path to happiness or horror.

Anyone for blackened fish?

Enjoy…

Aries… The sun is on the cusp of Aries now. Haiku should relax you. If it doesn’t, try Hari Kari.

Taurus… Mercury is descending at the moment. People think you are literally too literal in your literary linguistics.

Gemini…  Venus is square with Gemini at this time. You will find much happiness as a belly button lint artist. Do something involving Dennis Miller and become famous.

Cancer… Mars is trine with the Earth right now. You will more comfortably when you take those leechee nuts out of your underwear.

Leo… Neptune is in its seventh house this week. You will awaken to find that you are the subject of a reality show. By the way, the show’s about prison life.

Virgo… Saturn is rising at this time. You may be happy to hear that your old flame has been hit by a solar flare.

Libra…Pluto is in opposition to Libra at this time. This week you may encounter an air handler, a pan handler, or Adam Sandler.

Scorpio… The Moon is parallel to Scorpio now. You will meet someone named Amber who is ambidextrous but only in ambient temperatures.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars at this time. You will awaken to find yourself creating a crop circle in the Sioux City, Iowa area.

Capricorn… Capricorn is on the cusp of Jupiter at the moment. Refusing to eat blackened fish doesn’t make you a racist.

Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at this time. This week be aware of a shiv, a Shiva, and shivering.

Pisces… The Earth is trine with Mars now. You will awaken to find you have been changed into a balloon animal by a crazed clown.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 4th, 2013


Here is your weekly treasure trove of celestial treats.

The stars and planets are up to their usual surprises.

We are sure you can endure whatever presents itself.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is on the cusp of Mars now. You will awaken to find yourself in a buffet line…as a covered dish.

Taurus… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury at this time. You will become interested in an interesting interloper.

Gemini…  Venus is on the cusp of Gemini now. Stop bragging. Getting Kelsy Grammer’s autograph won’t make you an English major.

Cancer… The Sun is square with Cancer at this time. You will get the sniffles at the most inappropriate times this week.

Leo… Saturn is aligned with Leo at the moment. You will be locked in a closet over night with a boring insurance salesman.

Virgo… Atlas, a moon of Saturn, is rising now. People will definitely see your point this week, so keep it covered.

Libra… Pluto is on the cusp of Libra at this time. You will be trapped in a revolving door with a revolver and/or Dennis Miller. It could go either way.

Scorpio… The love of your life will be a rich and famous Greek named Eucalyptus Bronchitis.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in its seventh house now. You will be approached by a tree hugger or a mugger. It could go either way.

Capricorn… Uranus is trine with Capricorn this week. Your glands are planning a surprise party for you, so be available on Thursday. Act surprised.

Aquarius… Mercury is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. The police will soon be at your door looking for an overdue library book, or a fugitive crook. The charts aren’t very clear on that.

Pisces… Our moon is square with Pisces now. A bank teller will reject you based on account of NSF (Non Sufficient Fun).

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Category:

Horror-scopes

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