I’ve been on vacation/holiday for the past few weeks, but the Celestial sphere was still at work.
My staff (three monkeys and an aardvark) were also hard at work reading their charts, throwing feces, and writing this week’s prognostications.
This week’s predictions offer a wide variety of revelations you should be aware of.
They range from lint to literary alliterations, to fish to flares, as well as art to Adam Sandler.
Dig in and find your path to happiness or horror.
Anyone for blackened fish?
Aries… The sun is on the cusp of Aries now. Haiku should relax you. If it doesn’t, try Hari Kari.
Taurus… Mercury is descending at the moment. People think you are literally too literal in your literary linguistics.
Gemini… Venus is square with Gemini at this time. You will find much happiness as a belly button lint artist. Do something involving Dennis Miller and become famous.
Cancer… Mars is trine with the Earth right now. You will more comfortably when you take those leechee nuts out of your underwear.
Leo… Neptune is in its seventh house this week. You will awaken to find that you are the subject of a reality show. By the way, the show’s about prison life.
Virgo… Saturn is rising at this time. You may be happy to hear that your old flame has been hit by a solar flare.
Libra…Pluto is in opposition to Libra at this time. This week you may encounter an air handler, a pan handler, or Adam Sandler.
Scorpio… The Moon is parallel to Scorpio now. You will meet someone named Amber who is ambidextrous but only in ambient temperatures.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars at this time. You will awaken to find yourself creating a crop circle in the Sioux City, Iowa area.
Capricorn… Capricorn is on the cusp of Jupiter at the moment. Refusing to eat blackened fish doesn’t make you a racist.
Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at this time. This week be aware of a shiv, a Shiva, and shivering.
Pisces… The Earth is trine with Mars now. You will awaken to find you have been changed into a balloon animal by a crazed clown.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”