This week’s chart readings bring a cornucopia of predictions designed to assist you as well as warn you.
We hope your lives will be more rewarding and less chaotic as a result.
In any event, we have no control over the planets and their influence in our lives.
Our readings and determinations reflect our best guesses for the future.
Aries… The Sun is going solar now and is on the cusp of Aries. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector.
Taurus… The Moon is getting brighter now. You will soon be known for your ability to aggregate and aggravate.
Gemini… Mars is in its seventh house for an asteroid party. Your sweetness will cause people to mistaken you for the Pillsbury Dough-boy.
Cancer… Venus is in retrograde at this time. You will meet a young linguist named Polly Glot.
Leo… Saturn is rising now toward the cusp of Leo. Be careful. If you consume too much artificial sweetener, you may just fall on your Aspartame.
Virgo… Uranus is descending at this time. You will be considered trendy when you create a quilt out of old underwear.
Libra… Mercury is on the cusp of Libra now. One day you will be known as the oldest person on the planet…Venus.
Scorpio… Pluto is in its fourth house. Your competence in kleptomania will be praised as you serve out your prison term.
Sagittarius… Neptune is in its perigee at this time. One day you will explore your own space environment, and then you will fall on your asteroid.
Capricorn… The Earth is on the cusp of Capricorn at the moment. They say a watched pot never boils, but people will definitely watch the boils which will form on the back of your neck.
Aquarius… Jupiter is rising now and is approaching the cusp with Aquarius. Watch out for solar flares… in your underwear.
Pisces…Atlas, a moon of Saturn is in retrograde now. You will have a sweet date with a darling date farmer.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”