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This week’s predictions are a result of fine tuning in our approach to chart reading.

My staff and I just returned from an Astrological Conference on the Isle of Man hosted by the International Association of Astrologers and Tattoo Artists, Inc.

During the conference, there was a demonstration over the choice of the venue, since the majority of the attendees were women. They were upset because the conference wasn’t being held at a more gender neutral location.

Our staff, (three monkeys and an aardvark) enjoyed themselves. The monkeys were especially happy. They spent most of the time at the buffet table eating bananas and other delights, while annoying the women of the hotel staff with their inherent monkey business.

We learned a lot, even though we skipped the sessions involving tattooing in the 21st century.

We hope this week’s prognostications will please you, but there isn’t much of a chance that they will.


 Aries… Mars is approaching the cusp of Aries now. If water is the universal solvent, it will wash away all your problems, but it may just make you look rusty.

Taurus… Venus is in its fourth house at the moment playing bridge with the occupants. Stay away from all metal objects this week as you develop a magnetic personality.

Gemini…  Mercury is rising and awaiting a new week. You will gain fifteen minutes of fame for your catch phrase, “Say ouch to the pouch.”

Cancer… The Moon is in its Waning gibbous phase at this time. You will awaken to find yourself a pudgy pond frog dining on flies while discussing politics with Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house brightening things up. Your brainwaves will increase should a hurricane or heavy winds approach.

Virgo… Mercury is rising at the moment. Don’t buy a boat. You won’t need one for a root canal.

Libra… Venus is descending at the moment. People are plotting to make a time lapse video of your bodily functions.

Scorpio… Pluto is in its second house this week cleaning up after a party. Keep your thoughts in a journal, not in a urinal.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius this week. You will find fruit flies in your Fruit of the Loom underwear.

Capricorn… Saturn is descending at the moment. In certain circles you will be known as a square.

Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp with Aquarius this week. Your enemies are plotting to press you in a Cuban sandwich.

Pisces… Neptune is in its eight house this week waiting for a Realtor. You will be known for your ambition, and ambiguity.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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