Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sept. 29th, 2013
We hope this week’s predictions will bring a ray of hope and happiness to all of you.
Then again the Celestial Sphere has a way of dashing all hope from time to time.
What’s a mother to do?
Read on and enjoy…
Aries… Mars is in perigee now. After you cast a net, you will fall in love with a Spanish Mackerel.
Taurus…Venus is in its third house fixing some pipes. It’s time to improve your math skills. We suggest you hire a puff adder as a tutor.
Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb which will be used by Dennis Miller.
Cancer…The Moon is in its last quarter. It may want to borrow some money from you. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.
Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year solar weather cycle. It’s getting very tired. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you. Why? You will be the head pin.
Virgo… Mercury is waning now. You will soon be the envy of all in the town of Wartville.
Libra… Venus is experiencing solar winds at this time. You will soon become queasy at the site of a Cuisinart.
Scorpio… Pluto is having an icing problem at the moment. Soon you may be a victim of a volley of volleyballs in a valley.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is descending at this time. This week you may encounter a candle wick, a crooked stick and/or a magic trick.
Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Be cautious. Your enemies want to turn you into an accessory.
Aquarius… Uranus is in perigee at this time. You will soon cave in to a spelunkers demands.
Pisces… Neptune is in retrograde now. Bring a large, sharp knife or scissors with you this week because you will find yourself tied up in traffic.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
GRUMPY GETS GLORIOUS GIG!
ST. LOUIS (AP) — It probably won’t affect her famous mood, but Grumpy Cat now has an endorsement deal.
The frown-faced Internet sensation, real name Tardar Sauce, is now the “spokescat” for a Friskies brand of cat food, Nestle Purina PetCare announced Tuesday. The St. Louis-based company didn’t release terms of the deal.
Photos of Grumpy Cat, her brown and white face in a constant scowl, have become a constant presence on Facebook and other social media, often accompanied by crabby messages such as “I don’t like days that end in Y” or “I’m listening, I just don’t care. She also is among the biggest stars of the peculiar trend of cat dominance on Web videos and postings.
Grumpy Cat’s own Facebook page has more than 1.3 million likes. The dour animal also has more than 111,000 Twitter followers.
In addition to the relationship with Nestle Purina, which featured Grumpy Cat in an online video game series in March, the 1 ½-year-old mixed-breed feline has a merchandise line and reportedly has a movie deal in the works.
“She’s very busy,” Friskies spokeswoman Julie Catron said. “The first thing she’ll do for us is receive the lifetime achievement award.”
Catron isn’t kidding. The feline will receive the award Oct. 15 in New York as Friskies honors the best cat videos of the year as chosen through an online vote.
Grumpy Cat is owned by Tabatha Bundesen, who lives in Phoenix.
Story found at:
Grumpy will get an award,
Gosh, I’m really quite floored;
A cat with a “tude”,
Who looks really rude,
She also appears to be bored.
Her face has a constant scowl,
Like her life has run afoul;
She makes up great quotes,
So you should take notes,
The humor will make you howl.
The cat’s a star on Facebook,
Because of her serious look,
She’s big on the “Twitter”,
Though her face looks bitter,
Her fans are really quite hooked.
Now the cat has got a big deal,
That’s what Purina revealed;
She might get a movie,
Hey that would be groovy,
Who knew that she’d have such appeal?
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.