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Archive for September, 2013

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sept. 29th, 2013


We hope this week’s predictions will bring a ray of hope and happiness to all of you.

Then again the Celestial Sphere has a way of dashing all hope from time to time.

What’s a mother to do?

Read on and enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in perigee now. After you cast a net, you will fall in love with a Spanish Mackerel.

Taurus…Venus is in its third house fixing some pipes. It’s time to improve your math skills. We suggest you hire a puff adder as a tutor.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb which will be used by Dennis Miller.

Cancer…The Moon is in its last quarter. It may want to borrow some money from you. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.

Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year solar weather cycle. It’s getting very tired. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you. Why? You will be the head pin.

Virgo… Mercury is waning now. You will soon be the envy of all in the town of Wartville.

Libra… Venus is experiencing solar winds at this time. You will soon become queasy at the site of a Cuisinart.

Scorpio… Pluto is having an icing problem at the moment. Soon you may be a victim of a volley of volleyballs in a valley.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is descending at this time. This week you may encounter a candle wick, a crooked stick and/or a magic trick.

Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Be cautious. Your enemies want to turn you into an accessory.

Aquarius… Uranus is in perigee at this time. You will soon cave in to a spelunkers demands.

Pisces… Neptune is in retrograde now. Bring a large, sharp knife or scissors with you this week because you will find yourself tied up in traffic.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

New Gas…


 

Gas Gadget Gives Glorious Gazings

LOS GATOS, CA—

According to the Onion, “Netflix unveiled its brand-new fume-based streaming service Monday, finally allowing its nearly 26 million worldwide subscribers to instantly inhale multiple seasons of their favorite television shows in just one sitting, company sources confirmed.”

“With Netflix Gas, we’re really hoping to tap into a demographic that’s a little more fast-paced, a little more on-the-go, and that just wants to sit down whenever they have the chance and breathe in three or four seasons of, say, Fringe in less than 10 seconds,” said company spokesperson Brian Cohn.

“The new service is $11.99 per month and comes with a complimentary Entertainment Mask that fits comfortably over users’ mouths and—via a combination of nitrous oxide, vaporized ether, and the gaseous state of the entire series of Sports Night—allows them to transmit all 45 episodes of the show directly into their bloodstreams and into their brains.”

“Frankly, we think this distribution model is going to be the future of how Americans watch television.” Reports indicate that the media company has already approached director Sam Mendes to create an original drama series based on the life of Al Capone solely for Netflix Gas.”

Hmmm…

A season of TV in gas?

Getting caught up with the past;

You breath TV in,

And sit with a grin,

I think it’s something I’ll pass.

A whole season in just a whiff,

Can TV be something you sniff?

You sit in a chair,

And breath in the air,

You can have “Fringe” in a jiff!

Netflix has got this new deal,

To me it doesn’t seem real;

Twelve shows right away,

Instead of a day,

To some it will have great appeal.

Story found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-netflix-gas-lets-users-inhale-multiple-seasons,33992/?ref=auto

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 15th, 2013


We are getting close to the Autumnal Equinox (AE).

According to our Accuweather forecast, the AE should arrive on September 22, 2013 at 4:44 P.M EDT in the USA, barring any unforeseen delays in the Celestial Sphere.

You should consult your star maps and/or Farmer’s Almanacs for your part of the world.

We should have fair skies and a chance of showers in the southern regions.

This impending change in seasons brings a myriad of prognostications for your enjoyment.

Please plan accordingly.

Here goes…

Aries… Mars is in its seventh house now, waiting for prospective buyers. Beware! Your enemies want to seal you in a Kellogg’s Variety Pack. We hope ou like corn flakes.

Taurus…Venus is trine with Taurus at this time.  You will awaken to find yourself lost on Park Avenue in a Monopoly game.

Gemini… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old).  You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to shuck.

Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp of Cancer at this time. Be careful. Your enemies are out to donate you to an organ bank.

Leo… The Sun is in its fourth house at the moment cleaning up after a wild party. Sorry you weren’t invited.  Stop worrying. Your life will be much more pleasant when your blood stops curdling.

Virgo… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old now).  You are correct in your thinking. True love can only be found by reverse osmosis.

Libra… Venus is on the cusp of Libra now. Be forewarned. You should not date a mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth like Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. This week you should be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing pink, polyester pantsuits.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the rise at the moment. This week you will be asked to prove your precious pedigree to preoccupied peasants.

Capricorn… Saturn is in its second house playing cards with a nearby asteroid. Stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and too cautious.

Aquarius… Uranus is descending now. It seems you will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.

Pisces… Neptune  is on the cusp of Pisces now. You should encounter something jade, a long parade and/or a glass of lemonade.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

GRUMPY GETS GLORIOUS GIG!


ST. LOUIS (AP) — It probably won’t affect her famous mood, but Grumpy Cat now has an endorsement deal.

The frown-faced Internet sensation, real name Tardar Sauce, is now the “spokescat” for a Friskies brand of cat food, Nestle Purina PetCare announced Tuesday. The St. Louis-based company didn’t release terms of the deal.

Photos of Grumpy Cat, her brown and white face in a constant scowl, have become a constant presence on Facebook and other social media, often accompanied by crabby messages such as “I don’t like days that end in Y” or “I’m listening, I just don’t care. She also is among the biggest stars of the peculiar trend of cat dominance on Web videos and postings.

Grumpy Cat’s own Facebook page has more than 1.3 million likes. The dour animal also has more than 111,000 Twitter followers.

In addition to the relationship with Nestle Purina, which featured Grumpy Cat in an online video game series in March, the 1 ½-year-old mixed-breed feline has a merchandise line and reportedly has a movie deal in the works.

“She’s very busy,” Friskies spokeswoman Julie Catron said. “The first thing she’ll do for us is receive the lifetime achievement award.”

Catron isn’t kidding. The feline will receive the award Oct. 15 in New York as Friskies honors the best cat videos of the year as chosen through an online vote.

Grumpy Cat is owned by Tabatha Bundesen, who lives in Phoenix.

Story found at:

http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-odd/20130917/US-Grumpy-Cat-Endorsement/

Hmmm…

Grumpy will get an award,

Gosh, I’m really quite floored;

A cat with a “tude”,

Who looks really rude,

She also appears to be bored.

Her face has a constant scowl,

Like her life has run afoul;

She makes up great quotes,

So you should take notes,

The humor will make you howl.

The cat’s a star on Facebook,

Because of her serious look,

She’s big on the “Twitter”,

Though her face looks bitter,

Her fans are really quite hooked.

Now the cat has got a big deal,

That’s what Purina revealed;

She might get a movie,

Hey that would be groovy,

Who knew that she’d have such appeal?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 15th, 2013


Things are pretty much calm in the celestial sphere at the moment as we all whirl around in the darkness of space.

There is nothing much to worry about for some of you.

As for the rest, buck up. Tighten your belts.

If you feel the need, hold your breath.

Do whatever it takes to cope.

Get ready for another weird week.

Enjoy…

 

Aries… Mars is in its ninth house at the moment playing cards with the renters. It’s time you went to the Burning Man festival.

Taurus…Venus is in perigee at this time. You will find yourself outsmarted by a smart phone.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at the moment.  You will suddenly find yourself speaking Esperanto.

Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp with Cancer at this time. You will have the tendency to over mull this week.

Leo… The Sun is nearing its autumnal equinox. Your enemies wish to label you as one of the micro intelligent…

Virgo… Mercury is in its fourth house this week repairing a plumbing leak. It’s rather messy. You will force yourself to go on a diet when you realize that you are overly in-fat-uated.

Libra… Venus is descending now. Getting a trundle bed is a great idea, but don’t expect the Trundles to return for another sleep over after the last time.

Scorpio… Pluto is on the rise at this time. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay with Dennis Miller.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in its fifth house for a cookout. Don’t listen to your friends. You will not go broke by paying attention.

Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp with Capricorn this week. You will soon be vexed by a vivacious Vivian.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its second house for a house warming party. In the near future, you will be mistaken for Cotton Mather.

Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now. Soon you will have the tendency to become hoodwinked.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Mean Mutt Mauls Mini Mayor


ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) —

Stubbs, the honorary feline mayor of an Alaska town, has recovered enough from severe injuries sustained in a dog mauling to be released from the animal hospital.

The 16-year-old cat’s owner, Lauri Stec, drove to Wasilla to bring Stubbs home to Talkeetna on Monday. She said he’s doing OK, but is still in a lot of pain and on a pain patch.

Stubbs lives at Nagley’s General Store, and Stec is the manager there. She said for at least a few days, Stubbs will be cared for at a house connected to the back of the store and away from the hubbub. He’ll have to be quiet for a couple months.

But Stubbs is a social creature and getting on in years. Stec doesn’t want him to get depressed, so she plans to move him back to the store in a few days. She’ll keep him in his regular sleeping spot on top of a freezer that holds his bed: a mushing sled piled with furs of fox, caribou, beaver and lynx.

“He’ll be with his pals,” Stec said of the furs.

Stubbs had been under veterinary care after being mauled by a loose dog in Talkeetna, 115 miles north of Anchorage. The Aug. 31 attack left Stubbs with a punctured lung, a fractured sternum, bruised hips and a deep gash on his side. Stec said she knows the dog that was involved and has reported the attack with borough animal control officials.

The quirky community of 900 elected the orangey-beige cat in a write-in campaign 15 years ago. There is no human mayor in the town, where Stubbs holds court at the store, greeting customers. He’s also a known presence at the next-door pub, where he enjoys drinking water-catnip concoctions from a wine glass.

Stubbs was already popular but gained even more fans when news spread about the attack. People from all over the world have posted get-well messages on his Facebook page, which had almost 22,000 “likes” as of Monday afternoon.

At Nagley’s General Store, two walls were covered with get well cards and letters from all over, and visitors have been asking nonstop about Stubbs, Cortez said. So his improving condition is good news.

“Everybody’s happy,” store clerk Marco Cortez said.

Donations also are coming in from all over for Stubbs’ recovery. Some of it will be given to an animal shelter in the region.

The attack on Stubbs was not the first strike on his nine lives. In the past, he has been shot by a BB gun, and still has a BB lodged inside. He’s fallen onto a cold fryer vat and once rode on a garbage truck before jumping off.

Found at:

http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-odd/20130909/AK-Purffect-Mayor/

Hmmm…

An Alaskan Major’s a cat?

I just can’t conceive of that;

It lives in a store,

On soft furs galore,

It was just involved in a spat.

 

Stubbs was mauled by a viscous fiend,

A bad dog was certainly mean;

Stubbs got injured bad,

It made people sad,

It was like a really bad dream.

 

The mayor is now on the mend,

He’s cared for by several friends,

It may take a while,

Before folks can smile,

Best wishes are what we now send.

 

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 8th, 2013


This week brings a new crop of celestial prognostications.

Our staff has spent the past few days in total concentration to find the best advice known to mankind regarding your particular situation.

Remember, the stars and planets give us these indications.

All we do is report them to you, our very special celestial friends and family.

Enjoy…

Aries… You are ruled by Mars, so get your act together. Your allergy symptoms will subside when you stop sleeping on a bed of drier lint.

Taurus…Venus controls your every move, so watch out. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you are willing to run around in circles.

Gemini… Mercury is your astrological planet. Obey it or else. Just because you have a great batter recipe doesn’t mean you are eligible for the big leagues.

Cancer… The moon is in Cancer now. It’s so bright, it may keep you awake nights. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.

Leo… The sun is your sign. This week you may encounter a bowl of Chipotle, Nick Nolte, and/or a Truman Capote fan.

Virgo… Mercury rules the roost for you. Don’t date a hosier salesman. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.

Libra… Venus is your primary planet. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words, “toad face” in your daily greeting.

Scorpio… Pluto is your planet. It rules your every moment. You are always tired because you breathe too heavily. Lighten up.  Listen to Dennis Miller once in a while.

Sagittarius… Jupiter reigns supreme for you. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it could get quite dirty.

Capricorn… Saturn dominates your life. Tell your friends they are definitely wrong. If you are diagnosed as bi-polar, you will not have to live alternately in the Arctic and Antarctica.

Aquarius… Uranus is your ruling planet. You will soon be as popular as a topical anesthetic.

Pisces… Neptune rules the house. You enemies are out to make you look glandular.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

 

Cloaked College Kid Causes Confusion


COLUMBUS, OH

Saying that he’s “gonna have to keep an eye on that one,” Ohio State University Resident Assistant, Scott Joachim confirmed Wednesday that he is “not getting a good vibe” from the freshman student on his floor who wears a cloak at all times.

“It’s hard enough being a freshman in the first weeks of school and trying to find your identity, but on top of all that this kid’s gotta throw a cloak in the mix?” said Joachim of the 18-year old student who is reportedly registered under the name Tim Estrin but, on the rare occasions that he has spoken with hallmates, has introduced himself only as “Damien.”

“And he’s not wearing the cloak in a humorous, quirky way, either. He’s clearly dead serious. Everyone in the whole dorm just calls him Cloak Kid.”

At press time, a relieved Joachim saw the student entering his room with a young woman who was also wearing a cloak.

This was found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/ra-has-bad-feeling-about-kid-in-cloak,33745/

Hmmm…

A freshman’s wearing a cloak,
It’s true, it’s not just a joke;
The kid is quite serious,
He isn’t delirious,
My laughing has caused me to choke.

The RA is not very happy,
He may think the cloak is quite crappy,
The kid’s name is Damien,
We don’t know who named him,
He might think his cloak is just snappy.

“Cloak Kid” has been seen with a girl,
Her cloak has been seen to unfurl,
She goes in his room,
To share in his gloom?
Will the RA lower the boom?

2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Fortunes Found in Facebook’s Faces


Kim Komando says…

“I’m sure you remember a while back Facebook used people’s names and profile images in advertising without clear permission.

People got mad about these “Sponsored Stories” and started a class-action lawsuit. It ended last week with Facebook paying out $20 million.

While the lawsuit was going on, Facebook put in a setting so you could opt out of Sponsored Stories.

Now that the lawsuit is over, Facebook is wasting no time changing how it does things.

To that end, it’s updating its site policy – you probably got an email about it. If you didn’t read the email, I’ll give you the short version.

Starting September 5, if you use Facebook at all, you’re giving it explicit permission to use your image in ads. There is no opt-out, even for minors.

Of course, Facebook is taking user feedback on this change. You can weigh in with your opinion.

Just be aware that in the past Facebook has ignored what its users want. It will probably do so this time.”

See more, including your options at:

Kim Komando.com

For some reason WP won’t let me add the link today. Sorry!

Hmmm…

FB will use your photo for money,
Or a picture of your lovely honey;
It’s all about cash,
They’re certainly brash,
I’m thinking it is awfully crummy.

Privacy’s not their concern,
It’s money that they want to earn;
They’ll sell a great pic,
Of a guy, or a chick,
It’s making my temper burn.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Elderly Edythe Evokes Emotions


At 105 years young, Edythe Kirchmaier is Facebook’s oldest user. In fact, when she signed up to the site last year, Facebook had to recode its system to recognize 1908 as a birth year.

This news made her somewhat of a celebrity, gathering more than 123,000 Likes, and appearances on The Tonight Show and The Ellen DeGeneres show.

Her publicity also was great for Direct Relief, a charity that Kirchmaier donates most of her time to.

So when word spread that Kirchmaier was having car troubles, the Internet responded.

One man decided to send her a brand new Honda Civic after reading a post that she was having car troubles, which would take away from her time at the charity.

– See more at:

Hmmm…

Driving at a hundred and five,
It’s amazing that she is alive,
She had an old car,
That wouldn’t go far,
Now she’s got a new one to drive.

She’s the oldest one on Facebook,
Don’t believe it? Just take a look,
She’s been on TV,
For people to see,
What’s next? Will she write a book?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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