Things are pretty much calm in the celestial sphere at the moment as we all whirl around in the darkness of space.
There is nothing much to worry about for some of you.
As for the rest, buck up. Tighten your belts.
If you feel the need, hold your breath.
Do whatever it takes to cope.
Get ready for another weird week.
Aries… Mars is in its ninth house at the moment playing cards with the renters. It’s time you went to the Burning Man festival.
Taurus…Venus is in perigee at this time. You will find yourself outsmarted by a smart phone.
Gemini… Mercury is rising at the moment. You will suddenly find yourself speaking Esperanto.
Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp with Cancer at this time. You will have the tendency to over mull this week.
Leo… The Sun is nearing its autumnal equinox. Your enemies wish to label you as one of the micro intelligent…
Virgo… Mercury is in its fourth house this week repairing a plumbing leak. It’s rather messy. You will force yourself to go on a diet when you realize that you are overly in-fat-uated.
Libra… Venus is descending now. Getting a trundle bed is a great idea, but don’t expect the Trundles to return for another sleep over after the last time.
Scorpio… Pluto is on the rise at this time. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay with Dennis Miller.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is in its fifth house for a cookout. Don’t listen to your friends. You will not go broke by paying attention.
Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp with Capricorn this week. You will soon be vexed by a vivacious Vivian.
Aquarius… Uranus is in its second house for a house warming party. In the near future, you will be mistaken for Cotton Mather.
Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now. Soon you will have the tendency to become hoodwinked.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”