We are getting close to the Autumnal Equinox (AE).
According to our Accuweather forecast, the AE should arrive on September 22, 2013 at 4:44 P.M EDT in the USA, barring any unforeseen delays in the Celestial Sphere.
You should consult your star maps and/or Farmer’s Almanacs for your part of the world.
We should have fair skies and a chance of showers in the southern regions.
This impending change in seasons brings a myriad of prognostications for your enjoyment.
Please plan accordingly.
Aries… Mars is in its seventh house now, waiting for prospective buyers. Beware! Your enemies want to seal you in a Kellogg’s Variety Pack. We hope ou like corn flakes.
Taurus…Venus is trine with Taurus at this time. You will awaken to find yourself lost on Park Avenue in a Monopoly game.
Gemini… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old). You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to shuck.
Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp of Cancer at this time. Be careful. Your enemies are out to donate you to an organ bank.
Leo… The Sun is in its fourth house at the moment cleaning up after a wild party. Sorry you weren’t invited. Stop worrying. Your life will be much more pleasant when your blood stops curdling.
Virgo… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old now). You are correct in your thinking. True love can only be found by reverse osmosis.
Libra… Venus is on the cusp of Libra now. Be forewarned. You should not date a mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth like Dennis Miller.
Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. This week you should be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing pink, polyester pantsuits.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the rise at the moment. This week you will be asked to prove your precious pedigree to preoccupied peasants.
Capricorn… Saturn is in its second house playing cards with a nearby asteroid. Stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and too cautious.
Aquarius… Uranus is descending now. It seems you will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.
Pisces… Neptune is on the cusp of Pisces now. You should encounter something jade, a long parade and/or a glass of lemonade.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”