We hope this week’s predictions will bring a ray of hope and happiness to all of you.
Then again the Celestial Sphere has a way of dashing all hope from time to time.
What’s a mother to do?
Read on and enjoy…
Aries… Mars is in perigee now. After you cast a net, you will fall in love with a Spanish Mackerel.
Taurus…Venus is in its third house fixing some pipes. It’s time to improve your math skills. We suggest you hire a puff adder as a tutor.
Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb which will be used by Dennis Miller.
Cancer…The Moon is in its last quarter. It may want to borrow some money from you. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.
Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year solar weather cycle. It’s getting very tired. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you. Why? You will be the head pin.
Virgo… Mercury is waning now. You will soon be the envy of all in the town of Wartville.
Libra… Venus is experiencing solar winds at this time. You will soon become queasy at the site of a Cuisinart.
Scorpio… Pluto is having an icing problem at the moment. Soon you may be a victim of a volley of volleyballs in a valley.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is descending at this time. This week you may encounter a candle wick, a crooked stick and/or a magic trick.
Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Be cautious. Your enemies want to turn you into an accessory.
Aquarius… Uranus is in perigee at this time. You will soon cave in to a spelunkers demands.
Pisces… Neptune is in retrograde now. Bring a large, sharp knife or scissors with you this week because you will find yourself tied up in traffic.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”