Lonely Liar’s Litany of Ludicrous Lies

BOSTON—

“While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him.

Hewitt reportedly updated his mother with a litany of false information throughout the 18-minute conversation and, in an attempt to spare her from any distress, blatantly distorted the truth about his job, finances, social life, living situation, and overall level of happiness.

“Everything’s good here,” said Hewitt in the first of what would amount to over three dozen flat-out lies. “Work has been going well. It’s fun, and everyone at the office is really nice. I’m learning a lot.”

“I really love it out here,” Hewitt continued. “It’s great.”

Hewitt, who moved this past September from Bloomington, IL to Boston for a new job, is said to receive a phone call from home about once a week and has reportedly struggled to adjust to his new surroundings, feeling increasingly lonely and isolated. However, sources confirmed that the man who regularly questions whether he made a poor decision by relocating across the country has yet to report even one negative aspect of his life to his parents.

“My apartment’s great—it’s nice and big, so I have plenty of room,” said Hewitt, adding that his monthly rent is “pretty reasonable” and that he lives in “a really safe area” of the city. “Yeah, the heat works well, Mom—it’s nice and warm in here. And if there’s ever any problem, my landlord is very responsive and fixes things right away.”

“So, what have you and Dad been up to these days?” added Hewitt in a desperate attempt to steer the conversation away from himself.

According to reports, in order to prevent his parents from fretting about his financial situation, Hewitt vaguely claimed to be “making enough money” and “saving a little bit each month.” The 27-year-old went on to stress that he was in no need of any extra finances and neglected to mention that he currently has less than $400 in his savings account.

Hewitt, who has reportedly eaten frozen pizza for dinner four times this week and spends virtually every night after work zoning out in front of his television, then told his mother that he “started going to a gym recently.” Sources said that after he was asked about his company’s health care plan, Hewitt remained totally silent for several seconds before quickly muttering, “It’s good, really good.”

“I’ve made plenty of friends here in the last few months,” said Hewitt, reportedly doing his best to hide his congested voice so as not to alert his mother that he recently caught a cold. “I hang out with them all the time. We go out together and do all sorts of stuff. I’m definitely having a lot of fun.”

“I’m doing fine,” Hewitt added. “I’m really fine.”

Rather than explain that he spent the past weekend alone in his apartment sleeping until the late afternoon and then playing video games, Hewitt went on to say that he has “been seeing all the sights in Boston,” claiming that he has already visited a museum and that he went to a Bruins game the other week.

Fearing that she would discover the actual, authentic realities of his life, Hewitt then politely rejected his mother’s offer to come visit him, reportedly claiming that “now isn’t the best time, but maybe in a few months.”

“I’ll be sure to call you if I need anything,” lied Hewitt as the phone call drew to a close. “I actually have to get going, though. I have plans with some friends tonight.”

“Miss you, too,” added Hewitt quickly in his only moment of genuine honesty.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/27yearold-lies-about-every-single-aspect-of-his-li,34382/

Hmmm…

A young guy just keeps on lying,

To keep his mother from crying;

He’s having bad luck,

In a town where he’s stuck,

Without work it’s certainly trying.

He says he is doing okay,

When he calls his mother each day;

The weather is fine,

He’s got money to dine,

He’s certainly willing to stay.

Boston is where he is dwelling,

Making up lies that he’s telling;

Nothing is wrong,

Is his daily song,

Lying has gotten compelling.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.