Welcome to another week of celestial antics.
The planets are full of gloom and doom at this time.
You’re probably thinking, “So what else is new?”
We hope you will survive another seven days of Horror-scope high jinks.
Maybe things will improve for you.
But don’t count on that.
After all, we are approaching the horrors of Halloween.
Aries… Mars is wheezing at this time. You will have a brilliant idea for a new housing development. Unfortunately, your choice of a name is pretty bad. You will never see Slumtown built.
Taurus…Venus is suffering from an excess of gas now. Soon fate will make you date a new roommate who loves to ruminate as well as urinate.
Gemini… Mercury is getting hotter. You enemies want to blend you into a Frappuccino.
Cancer… We are in a New Moon phase at this time. You will gain fame and fortune with your traction.
Leo… The Sun’s solar activity is at a hundred year low. You will become rich and famous once you embrace the philosophy of chicken liver.
Virgo… Mercury is getting hotter. In the not too distant future, you will encounter rickets, crickets, and sticky wickets.
Libra… There is a new moon in Libra now. Beware! Your enemies want to render you rickety.
Scorpio… Pluto is rising now. Your enemies are planning to steal your underwear and sell them to Dennis Miller.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is in its perigee at this time. You will gain fame and fortune for your pressed duck design.
Capricorn… Saturn is having another ring job at this time and it’s affecting your sign. You will soon have an association with trains. Shortly after, you will lose track of things.
Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp with Aquarius. Be extra cautious. Your enemies are planning to turn you into a stave.
Pisces… At this moment, Neptune is receding as fast as your hairline. Forget the bug spray. You will soon have an invasion of spider veins.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”