Ready for another week of near nonsense?
Here it is.
We have another list of lunatic lameness from the crew at Your Horror-scope.
As mentioned in an earlier post, out staff is comprised of a few monkeys (they come and go at will) and an aardvark (who’s steady as a rock), all trained and skilled at interpreting the Celestial Sphere.
Sure, they have their own unique way of doing it, but we guarantee it’s as valid as any other high priced service out there.
And it’s free.
There are no ads, no pop-ups for pills, lotions and/or analgesics.
And there are no long, boring, eye watering explanations.
Enjoy my friends….
Aries… Mars is settling a law suit over an occurrence in its third house. No further details. You and someone named Laurence will soon lie on your laurels with a lonely lioness.
Taurus…Venus is traversing itself. Go figure. You will soon be labeled as literate, illiterate, and alliterate by a crazed English major.
Gemini… Mercury is rising from a slip and fall incident. Rejoice. Soon the world will be at you side checking your cell structure.
Cancer… The Moon is in its first quarter now and is saving up for a moon pie. In the future, you will win second prize in a spelling bee. A wasp will win first prize.
Leo… The Sun is taking some antacids after a huge solar belch. Hold on tight. Soon you will find yourself slip slidin’ away while listening to Simon and Garfunkel.
Virgo… Mercury is rising from a slip and fall incident. Soon you will have the urgent need to babble while holding a bauble for someone named Bobby.
Libra… Venus is approaching its perigee and is worried because it has nothing to wear. You will soon be involved in cosmic sorcery or cosmic surgery. It could go either way. .
Scorpio… Pluto is suffering from cosmic fleas again. In the future, you will write a book about your escapades. It will be titled, “Sleeping With Bed Bugs”.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius. You will be suddenly stung while chatting with Sting.
Capricorn… Saturn is discussing a deal with Ringling Brothers. Soon you will gain fame and fortune as a Spiro Agnew look alike.
Aquarius… Uranus is bedazzled at the moment. Be careful. Your enemies are planning to glaze you and possibly Dennis Miller.
Pisces… Neptune is in retrograde and doesn’t like it. Get ready for a new career. Your future success lies in brain training, or Brian training. It could go either way.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”