This week it was difficult to get my staff on task.
The monkeys were split between throwing their feces at each other and typing a play on their iMacs.
Artie, the aardvark was busy as usual, ignoring its co-workers antics.
I read a few lines of the play. It appeared to be a cheap, plagiarized copy of the script from the 1931 classic Marx Brothers’ film, Monkey Business.
They listed me as playing the part of Zeppo.
Of course, I wanted to be Groucho.
As it turned out, Artie came through and compiled this week’s list of prognostications.
What would I do without him?
Aries… Mars is beginning to get an allergic reaction to that rover which is prowling around. Start saving up. You will soon be inundated with hidden fees.
Taurus…Venus is having a tremendous gas attack at the moment. You will soon develop an irrational desire to be submerged after you follow your urge to polish yourself with Turtle Wax .
Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini now. Things are looking up for you. You will gain fame and fortune for your somnambulism skills.
Cancer… The Moon is at its full stage. Here comes fame and fortune. You will be published in the Guinness Book for your ability to juggle porcupines while naked.
Leo… The Sun is hot for Mars at the moment. But Mars is playing hard to get. They may even call you a Chef! In the near future, because you will able to cook a meal while hot under the collar.
Virgo… Mercury is slowly nearing the cusp with Virgo, but Virgo wants no part of it. Get ready. Soon, you will either be belittled, be speckled, or bedazzled. It isn’t too clear at the moment.
Libra… Venus is rising now after a short nap. Make sure you’re alert. Your vehicle will suffer a fender bender after a collision with a street vendor who sells auto insurance.
Scorpio… Pluto is planning on suing Disney for stealing its name. Get an extinguisher ready. You will soon have a heated argument near an open fire.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is in perigee at the moment and is loving it. You’ll have a dilemma soon. You will have a difficult time deciding whether to date a Tort Lawyer, a Tart Baker or Dennis Miller.
Capricorn… Saturn is in its fifth house trying to evict someone. Sushi anyone? Take a deep breath and pucker up. Soon you will be forced to inflate a blow fish.
Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at the moment. Get out the checkbook. You will soon receive an invoice for an outrigger.
Pisces… Neptune is on the cusp of Pisces at this time. Hmmm. This is a bit confusing. In a short while, you will stop whatever you are doing and salute yourself for a mediocre, incomplete job.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”