The celestial sphere has arranged itself in preparation for this year’s Halloween festivities.
Unfortunately, it indicates some rather bleak predictions.
So, get ready for some scary situations.
Aries… Mars is getting ready for a big celestial Halloween party. Be on the alert this week. Goblins want to turn you into ingredients for a deadly drink.
Taurus…Venus is shopping for a costume for the Halloween festivities. Be extra careful this week. A wicked witch wishes to bake you in a soufflé for Dennis Miller.
Gemini… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Watch out. A mad scientist wants to dissect you.
Cancer… The Moon is waning now. Here’s something you should know. You will awaken as a cockroach comfortably sleeping in a Roach Motel infested with bed bugs.
Leo… The Sun is chuckling because of Mercury’s mistake with some chocolate (see Gemini). You will be accepted into a med school…as a cadaver.
Virgo… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Your luck will change shortly. You will soon be a cut-up at a dissection meeting.
Libra… Venus is overjoyed after being invited to the big celestial Halloween bash. Keep writing, but keep a hammer handy. Soon you will create a best cellar.
Scorpio… Pluto is pumped up in anticipation of Halloween, his favorite time of the year. Be careful this week. Your pumpkin will try to carve you.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is out buying candy for trick or treaters. You will continually tell the following joke this week. Did you hear about the musician who got a job at a grave yard? He’s now making tune stones.
Capricorn… Saturn is hosting the celestial Halloween party. Be careful which mask you wear this year. It may just permanently adhere to your face.
Aquarius… Uranus can’t decide which costume to wear for the celestial Halloween ball. This week you will have the uncontrollable urge to gobble a goblin..
Pisces… Neptune Your life will change a lot in the near future. You will soon join a band of banshees.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”