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Archive for November, 2013

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec. 1st, 2013


Well, the holiday spirit is among us…well some of us.

My team of crack celestial interpreters has been hard at work reading star charts and planetary periodicals in spite of their anticipation of the seasons upon us.

There is talk of secret santas and tree trimming.

They took yesterday off to go Black Friday shopping.

I imagine their credit cards are maxed out by now.

Soon they will be busy decorating the place.

Here are the results of their heavenly body studies for this week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries now. You soon may encounter a derringer, a dirigible, and/or become daring. It is not clear at this time.

Taurus… Venus is trine with Taurus now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to become far flung.

Gemini… The Earth is nearing a change in season. You will have the urge to allure, endure and/or insure. We’re not sure.

Cancer… The Moon is approaching its new moon phase now. You will soon encounter a divan, a wing span and/or a garbage can. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its fifth house decorating for the holidays. You soon may be found drooling, dueling, and/or engaged in schooling.

Virgo… Saturn is square with Virgo at this time. You will be known worldwide for your maniacal laugh which strangely sounds like Dennis Miller cackling.

Libra… Neptune is rising after being trine with Libra. You will soon have a stroke. Luckily it will be a stroke of genius. But it will fade fast.

Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It’s axiomatic. Soon you will be known as the Ace of Axioms.

Sagittarius… Mars is in retrograde now. You will gain fame and fortune with your new book called, “Cooking with Angst”.

Capricorn… Venus is square with Capricorn at this time. BTW, Venus hates being called a square, so watch it. In the future, you will be nominated for a Nobel Prize for your book called, “Extinguish Anguish With A Wish”. Unfortunately you will be passed over when the committee sees that it was written in crayon on recycled cardboard.

Aquarius… Uranus is favorable for your sign at this time. You will gain favor with your friends when you stop including the words “toad face” in your greetings.

Pisces… Mercury is falling now. You will finally crawl out of your shell, but into another as you act on the urge to become a Ninja Turtle.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sleazy Santa Seized


HANOVER, MA—

Bad Santa’ arrested for pinching elf’s bottom!

Mall Santa denies attack on 18-year-old woman dressed as an elf.

A man employed to dress as Father Christmas in an American shopping mall has been arrested after he allegedly groped the bottom of a female co-worker as she walked past his chair.

Herbert Jones, 62, is alleged to have pinched the bottom of the 18-year-old woman, who was playing the part of an elf photographer in a grotto in Hanover, in Massachusetts.

The victim also claimed Mr. Jones told her, “I wish you were a few years older and I was younger.”

Following the incident last weekend, Mr. Jones is now facing charges for indecent assault and battery on a person over the age of 14.

He denies the allegations, telling police: “I did not touch that girl.”

Mr. Jones, (who has a bushy white beard), and the alleged victim are employed by Cherry Hill Photos.

“We have been made aware that an allegation of improper conduct has been lodged against the person portraying Santa at Hanover Mall by another employee working at the Santa photography concession,” Cherry Hill Photos said in a statement. “This allegation has been denied by the individual portraying Santa.”

A judge has ruled that Mr. Jones cannot work as a Santa Claus while out on bail.

He is due back in court on Christmas Eve.

Found @: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10477178/Bad-Santa-arrested-for-pinching-elfs-bottom.html

Hmmm…

They caught a bad Santa for pinching,
He did it without even flinching;
He pinched a young elf,
Now he’s on the shelf,
He might have been better off Grinching.

He was shortly thereafter arrested,
Of course, the old pervert protested;
I am without fault,
In this phony assault,
The charge will now be contested.

The guy is now out on bail,
Instead of sitting in jail,
The bearded old jerk,
Is now out of work,
As a Santa he certainly failed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Nov 24th, 2013


In the USA, most of us are preparing for Thanksgiving, which this year coincides with the great celebration of Hanukkah. That won’t happen again until the year 2070.

Our staff has been busy with this week’s report but I can tell their minds are on the upcoming holidays.

Of course, they will be wanting time off to be with relatives, etc. And, as usual, they will get it.

This week’s prognostications bring a variety of events which, in all probability, will bring mixed reactions, and hopefully a bit of humor.

Here goes…

Aries… The Sun is on the cusp of Aries at this time. Beware! You will be caught cheating. As punishment, you will be forced to listen to Al Gore speeches in Polish for several days.

Taurus… The Moon is in Taurus now. You will be invaded by an army of armchairs from a nearby armory.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde and in Gemini at this time. Be ready! There’s a good possibility you could be stalked in a stock yard by Stockard Channing.

Cancer… Venus is in its second house changing plumbing fixtures for a tenant. You will gain fame and fortune on late night infomercials when you write a book called, “How to Expand Spandex For Fun and Profit”.

Leo… Saturn is rising now. In the future you will accumulate many followers of your YouTube video, “Naked Clogging in Antarctica”.

Virgo… Mercury is in retrograde and on the cusp of Virgo at this time. You should know that with few exceptions, you cannot buy computer spreadsheets at a linen outlet.

Libra… Pluto is in its fifth house doing some light dusting. The world will be a much nicer place for you when you learn how to fade out.

Scorpio… Neptune is tuning up at the moment. You will soon become very familiar with a singing spittoon, and Dennis Miller. Not necessarily in that order.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in perigee now and is delighted. Your family won’t be very happy (or understanding) when you decide to run off and marry a wheat germ.

Capricorn… The Earth is currently on the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Get ready. You will soon be in the mood for TruMoo and moo goo.

Aquarius… Jupiter is descending now due to a bout with depression. You should be happy with this prediction. This is no bull. You will soon be the toast of the town as a rodeo clown.

Pisces… Saturn is rising now. You will find fame and fortune in a baggy suit.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Gromdar Guy Going Global?


Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home

SAN JOSE, CA—

Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.

Stating that the Gromdar brand name “is synonymous with innovation, quality, and high performance,” Shanes told investors that, beginning with its forthcoming line of personal Gromdars sold at licensed Gromdar retailers across the country, the company aims to change the American way of life “Gromdar by Gromdar.”

“Our goal is not only to put a Gromdar in each home, but in each room of each home,” said Shanes, noting that ever since he built the first laboratory-sized Gromdar as a graduate student, he’s envisioned a world in which every citizen has access to a private, portable Gromdar. “Gromdar technology has been around for years, but until now, we haven’t been able to bring Gromdars to the consumer market. Now we have a chance to make Gromdars such an integral part of daily life, people will think, ‘Can you remember a time without Gromdars?’”

“We want people to say, ‘I bought a Gromdar for my wife, I bought a Gromdar for my mom, heck, I even bought Gromdars for my kids!’” he continued. “We want people without Gromdars to envy people with Gromdars. This time next year, you’re not going to want to be seen in public without a Gromdar of your own.”

According to the company’s website, Gromdar, Inc. originally manufactured Gromdars exclusively for military use, winning a lucrative contract with the U.S. Department of Defense to supply powerful Gromdars for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. With profits from the government contract, the corporation reportedly invested millions of dollars in research and development to adapt Gromdars for the commercial sector, and soon began selling thousands of Gromdars to businesses across the country.

Shanes explained to shareholders that advances in technology have allowed Gromdars to be manufactured more efficiently and inexpensively than ever before, bringing down the cost and size of the device as well as reducing the numerous safety hazards of Gromdar ownership.

Responding to concerns about the marketability of home Gromdars, the tech entrepreneur acknowledged that most new products face resistance from the consuming public when they are first introduced. However, Shanes expressed his confidence that using a Gromdar—or Gromming—would quickly come to be regarded as a fundamental and indispensable part of everyday life.

“Some people might say, ‘What do I need a personal Gromdar for? I’m never going to use it,’” Shanes said after one investor compared the Gromdar to the Blordash. “That’s the same thing people once said about microwaves, but now we can’t live without them. Mark my words, the people who are most skeptical of owning a Gromdar are going to be the ones who won’t be able to put their Gromdars down, whether they’re at home, in their office, or traveling.”

As part of the company’s efforts to bring Gromdars to the public, Shanes said that Gromdar, Inc. is embarking on an ambitious marketing initiative including television spots, prominent social media campaigns on Facebook and Twitter, a sponsorship deal with actor and musician Jared Leto, and product placement in popular movies and video games.

Shanes also noted that thousands of billboards and public transit advertisements were currently being installed in cities throughout the country featuring a picture of a Gromdar against a white background and the brief tagline, “Your Life, Your Gromdar.”

By the end of the next financial quarter, Shanes said, his goal is to see consumers lined up around the block to get their hands on the latest Gromdar.

“The Gromdar is a truly innovative product that will revolutionize the way we work, socialize, learn, entertain ourselves, cook, and even exercise,” Shanes said while gesturing to a shiny teal Gromdar on a table alongside him. “By 2016, we want to see Gromdars plugged into every kitchen, on every car dashboard, and bolted into every desk in every school in America. We believe today’s generation will be the Gromdar generation.”

“The question isn’t whether you can afford to buy a Gromdar; the question is whether you can afford not to,” he added.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/inventor-of-gromdar-determined-to-put-a-gromdar-in,34633/

Hmmm…

There is an odd guy named Shanes,
Who vocally now complains;
It is his intention,
To get his invention,
Everywhere; is that insane?

A Gromdar is what he is selling,
He wants one in every dwelling;
In bathrooms and cars,
Perhaps even Mars,
His message is quite compelling.

Could this be something you need?
Let’s buy one now, will you soon plead?
Get them while they’re hot,
Get two; sure why not?
Get twelve, make your bank account bleed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Biggest Bowel Bacteria Baffling


Study Reveals American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World!

SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world.

“We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm.

“Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.”

Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-american-intestinal-bacteria-most-obese-in-w,34614/

Hmmm…

Americans have real big germs,
They got them on their fatty terms;
They can’t move around,
In places they’re found,
The thought of it all makes me squirm,

They’re gobbling up too many sweets,
From people who eat lots of treats;
They’re awfully obese,
From sugars and grease,
They really should watch what they eat.

They lie around down in the gut,
They seem to be in quite a rut;
They eat and get fat,
Enough said about that,
It’s something that we can’t rebut;

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Nov 17th, 2013


Our staff has been hard at work this week on the charts of the Celestial Sphere.

They have diligently come up with the best predictions possible.

We hope you will take heed where necessary to avoid any possible, unfortunate repercussions.

Have a nice week in any event…

Aries… Venus is on the cusp of Aries now. Be careful! A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.

Taurus…Saturn is rising at the moment. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.

Gemini… Neptune is in retrograde at the moment. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.

Cancer…The Moon will be full this week. Soon, your interest will lie in the diabolic, something hyperbolic, and/or an alcoholic.

Leo… Pluto is on the cusp of Leo at this time. Your near future will have you in contact with a divan, a wing span and/or a garbage can.

Virgo… The Earth is in its seventh house getting ready for the holidays. This week you may find yourself drooling, dueling, and/or engaged in schooling.

Libra… Mars is in perigee now. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words “toad face” in your daily greeting.

Scorpio… Mercury is descending at this time. You will finally crawl out of your shell, but into another as you act on the urge to become a Ninja Turtle.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in its fourth house at this time. This week you will have the urge to be didactic and dictate all duplication.

Capricorn… The Sun is on the cusp of Capricorn now. You will have the sudden urge to be droll while you bowl in Boulder.

Aquarius… Jupiter is descending at the moment. You will soon have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself.

Pisces… The Earth is on the cusp of Pisces now. You will have the urge to get even with someone by being odd, like Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Cashier Causes Customer Consternation


It Almost As If A Rite Aid Cashier Doesn’t Care About The Reputation Of Rite Aid Corporation.

PEORIA, IL—

Citing the man’s wrinkled uniform and detached attitude, Rite Aid patrons surmised Thursday that, if appearances could be believed, it would almost seem as though cashier Gabriel Morales was wholly unconcerned with the reputation and overall corporate health of the third largest retail pharmacy chain in the United States.

“I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but his body language and general behavior might nearly imply that he has little or no regard for the history of the Rite Aid corporation and the image that it wants to project to the world,” said pharmacy customer Michael Valetta of the 39-year-old Rite Aid employee.

“Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was just treating this job as—how should I put this—well, almost like it were any other minimum wage retail job rather than an esteemed position at one of America’s most beloved, time-honored companies,” Valetta continued.

Valetta noted that Morales’ nonexistent greeting, slow response time, and general air of indifference all but pointed to the conclusion that he perhaps did not see himself as a representative of the Rite Aid brand who has been tasked with upholding that company’s sense of tradition and character.

At press time, customers were baffled to note Morales smoking outside of the store while on a break, as though he wasn’t the public face of the country’s premier purveyor of pharmacy, health, and wellness services.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-almost-as-if-rite-aid-cashier-doesnt-care-about,34562/

Hmmm…

A disheveled guy at Rite Aid,
Does he deserve to get paid?
He’s got a real “tude”,
Don’t know if he’s rude,
He doesn’t care how he’s displayed.

He’s not a “company” guy,
The customers duly cry;
He’s kind of blasé,
The shoppers all say,
The culprit had no reply.

Will he continue to work at the store?
Can the customers take any more?
Will he try a small smile?
And change his bad style?
Or will the management show him the door?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Nov 10th, 2013


Aries… Mars is in its fourth house getting ready for a card party. Your future catch phrase, “Never leave home without a zipper.” will bring you fame and fortune.

Taurus…Venus is rising at the moment and is roaring to go. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to become far flung, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in retrograde at this time. You will have the urge to allure, endure and/or insure.

Cancer… Moon is approaching its first quarter. You will soon become rich and famous for your ability to be dingy.

Leo… Sun is calm at the moment. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay.

Virgo… Mercury is hitting the shadow point of its retrograde at this time. You will soon change your thinking about love. You will announce to the world that true love can only be found by reverse osmosis.

Libra… Venus is preparing to go retrograde soon. Be forewarned. You should not date a car mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth.

Scorpio… Pluto will be seeing a lawyer this week for a deposition over a law suit with the Disney Corporation. Soon you will be preoccupied with perspicacity while wearing polyester pantsuits.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is conjunct Uranus at 28 degrees of Pisces. This week, stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and/too cautious.

Capricorn… Saturn is in Libra at the moment. You will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.

Aquarius… Uranus is standing direct now at 0 degrees 38 minutes of Aries. Soon you will come across something jade, a long parade, and/or lemonade.

Pisces…Neptune is in opposition to Mercury now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sucking Suggestion Spreads Sickness


CAUTION…Read this at your own risk!

The Onion News Reports the Following…

Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob

WASHINGTON—

According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.

“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent.

“So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”

“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”

Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.

While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.

If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.

“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/centers-for-disease-contraction-urges-americans-to,34422/

Hmmm…

They want you to suck on a knob,

Leave spit on it just like a slob;

Once you get your fill,

It will make you ill,

Your heart will just flutter and throb.

A restroom knob may be the best,

Open wide; let germs do the rest;

Bacteria abound,

On knobs all around,

Not sure? Just put it to the test.

In time you will be a hurtin’,

Like something from old Tim Burton;

Swap spit, lick a seat,

The floor holds a treat,

It may be your final curtain.

This story just may be a hoax,

A cruel and horrible joke;

Who wants to die?

Is the human cry,

Lick a knob and you may just croak.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov 3rd, 2013


We hope you all enjoyed this year’s Halloween events.

Here at Horror-scope Central, we had a grand time.

We had a little party for the staff.

Everyone appeared to enjoy themselves.

Artie the aardvark was dressed as an olive. The five monkeys kept biting him. I guess they thought he was real food.

The monkeys wore a variety of costumes.

Monkey one was a Ninja Turtle. I think it was Rafael.

Monkey two was Spiderman.

Three was Chewbacca.

Four was Luke Skywalker.

And five was J. Fred Muggs, the chimp that appeared on the Today show many years ago with Dave Garroway.

It took two days to clean up (five monkeys and an aardvark can make things messy), but it was worth it.

Now it’s back to business.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is on the cusp of Aries at the moment.  Here’s some sound advice. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you’re a square who is willing to drive around in circles.

Taurus…Venus is in retrograde now. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after you secretly date the fake rabbit from the dog track.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at this time. You will be greatly embarrassed when the police reveal that you are staking yourself.

Cancer… The Moon is dark at the moment. In the near future, you will have the urge to buy a large file in order to sharpen your wit.

Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year, solar weather cycle.  When you least expect it, you will become rich and famous for your ability to stagger.

Virgo… Mercury is rising now. Your zip code will suddenly change when you become an island unto yourself.

Libra… Venus is in its seventh house for a routine inspection. In the future, you will make a fortune in the funeral business with your exciting, new slogan, “Urn baby Urn.”

Scorpio… Pluto is busy with its law suit against Disney for using its name for a character. We advise you not to date a hosier salesperson. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in retrograde at this time. You should consider changing your plans. You will have more romantic fun if you snuggle instead of snorkel.

Capricorn… Saturn is visiting Ringling Brothers at the moment. Soon you will worship the ground someone walks on, only to be confronted by people who will want you to remove all candles from the sidewalk.

Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp of Aquarius. You will become rich and famous with your ability to spawn on command.

Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now. You will have the urge to see yourself in cinema scope next to Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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