We hope you all enjoyed this year’s Halloween events.
Here at Horror-scope Central, we had a grand time.
We had a little party for the staff.
Everyone appeared to enjoy themselves.
Artie the aardvark was dressed as an olive. The five monkeys kept biting him. I guess they thought he was real food.
The monkeys wore a variety of costumes.
Monkey one was a Ninja Turtle. I think it was Rafael.
Monkey two was Spiderman.
Three was Chewbacca.
Four was Luke Skywalker.
And five was J. Fred Muggs, the chimp that appeared on the Today show many years ago with Dave Garroway.
It took two days to clean up (five monkeys and an aardvark can make things messy), but it was worth it.
Now it’s back to business.
Aries… Mars is on the cusp of Aries at the moment. Here’s some sound advice. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you’re a square who is willing to drive around in circles.
Taurus…Venus is in retrograde now. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after you secretly date the fake rabbit from the dog track.
Gemini… Mercury is rising at this time. You will be greatly embarrassed when the police reveal that you are staking yourself.
Cancer… The Moon is dark at the moment. In the near future, you will have the urge to buy a large file in order to sharpen your wit.
Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year, solar weather cycle. When you least expect it, you will become rich and famous for your ability to stagger.
Virgo… Mercury is rising now. Your zip code will suddenly change when you become an island unto yourself.
Libra… Venus is in its seventh house for a routine inspection. In the future, you will make a fortune in the funeral business with your exciting, new slogan, “Urn baby Urn.”
Scorpio… Pluto is busy with its law suit against Disney for using its name for a character. We advise you not to date a hosier salesperson. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is in retrograde at this time. You should consider changing your plans. You will have more romantic fun if you snuggle instead of snorkel.
Capricorn… Saturn is visiting Ringling Brothers at the moment. Soon you will worship the ground someone walks on, only to be confronted by people who will want you to remove all candles from the sidewalk.
Aquarius… Uranus is on the cusp of Aquarius. You will become rich and famous with your ability to spawn on command.
Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now. You will have the urge to see yourself in cinema scope next to Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”