Aries… Mars is in its fourth house getting ready for a card party. Your future catch phrase, “Never leave home without a zipper.” will bring you fame and fortune.
Taurus…Venus is rising at the moment and is roaring to go. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to become far flung, kind of like Dennis Miller.
Gemini… Mercury is in retrograde at this time. You will have the urge to allure, endure and/or insure.
Cancer… Moon is approaching its first quarter. You will soon become rich and famous for your ability to be dingy.
Leo… Sun is calm at the moment. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay.
Virgo… Mercury is hitting the shadow point of its retrograde at this time. You will soon change your thinking about love. You will announce to the world that true love can only be found by reverse osmosis.
Libra… Venus is preparing to go retrograde soon. Be forewarned. You should not date a car mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth.
Scorpio… Pluto will be seeing a lawyer this week for a deposition over a law suit with the Disney Corporation. Soon you will be preoccupied with perspicacity while wearing polyester pantsuits.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is conjunct Uranus at 28 degrees of Pisces. This week, stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and/too cautious.
Capricorn… Saturn is in Libra at the moment. You will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.
Aquarius… Uranus is standing direct now at 0 degrees 38 minutes of Aries. Soon you will come across something jade, a long parade, and/or lemonade.
Pisces…Neptune is in opposition to Mercury now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.