Our staff has been hard at work this week on the charts of the Celestial Sphere.
They have diligently come up with the best predictions possible.
We hope you will take heed where necessary to avoid any possible, unfortunate repercussions.
Have a nice week in any event…
Aries… Venus is on the cusp of Aries now. Be careful! A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.
Taurus…Saturn is rising at the moment. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.
Gemini… Neptune is in retrograde at the moment. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.
Cancer…The Moon will be full this week. Soon, your interest will lie in the diabolic, something hyperbolic, and/or an alcoholic.
Leo… Pluto is on the cusp of Leo at this time. Your near future will have you in contact with a divan, a wing span and/or a garbage can.
Virgo… The Earth is in its seventh house getting ready for the holidays. This week you may find yourself drooling, dueling, and/or engaged in schooling.
Libra… Mars is in perigee now. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words “toad face” in your daily greeting.
Scorpio… Mercury is descending at this time. You will finally crawl out of your shell, but into another as you act on the urge to become a Ninja Turtle.
Sagittarius… Uranus is in its fourth house at this time. This week you will have the urge to be didactic and dictate all duplication.
Capricorn… The Sun is on the cusp of Capricorn now. You will have the sudden urge to be droll while you bowl in Boulder.
Aquarius… Jupiter is descending at the moment. You will soon have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself.
Pisces… The Earth is on the cusp of Pisces now. You will have the urge to get even with someone by being odd, like Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.