Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

In the USA, most of us are preparing for Thanksgiving, which this year coincides with the great celebration of Hanukkah. That won’t happen again until the year 2070.

Our staff has been busy with this week’s report but I can tell their minds are on the upcoming holidays.

Of course, they will be wanting time off to be with relatives, etc. And, as usual, they will get it.

This week’s prognostications bring a variety of events which, in all probability, will bring mixed reactions, and hopefully a bit of humor.

Here goes…

Aries… The Sun is on the cusp of Aries at this time. Beware! You will be caught cheating. As punishment, you will be forced to listen to Al Gore speeches in Polish for several days.

Taurus… The Moon is in Taurus now. You will be invaded by an army of armchairs from a nearby armory.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde and in Gemini at this time. Be ready! There’s a good possibility you could be stalked in a stock yard by Stockard Channing.

Cancer… Venus is in its second house changing plumbing fixtures for a tenant. You will gain fame and fortune on late night infomercials when you write a book called, “How to Expand Spandex For Fun and Profit”.

Leo… Saturn is rising now. In the future you will accumulate many followers of your YouTube video, “Naked Clogging in Antarctica”.

Virgo… Mercury is in retrograde and on the cusp of Virgo at this time. You should know that with few exceptions, you cannot buy computer spreadsheets at a linen outlet.

Libra… Pluto is in its fifth house doing some light dusting. The world will be a much nicer place for you when you learn how to fade out.

Scorpio… Neptune is tuning up at the moment. You will soon become very familiar with a singing spittoon, and Dennis Miller. Not necessarily in that order.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in perigee now and is delighted. Your family won’t be very happy (or understanding) when you decide to run off and marry a wheat germ.

Capricorn… The Earth is currently on the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Get ready. You will soon be in the mood for TruMoo and moo goo.

Aquarius… Jupiter is descending now due to a bout with depression. You should be happy with this prediction. This is no bull. You will soon be the toast of the town as a rodeo clown.

Pisces… Saturn is rising now. You will find fame and fortune in a baggy suit.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.