Well, the holiday spirit is among us…well some of us.
My team of crack celestial interpreters has been hard at work reading star charts and planetary periodicals in spite of their anticipation of the seasons upon us.
There is talk of secret santas and tree trimming.
They took yesterday off to go Black Friday shopping.
I imagine their credit cards are maxed out by now.
Soon they will be busy decorating the place.
Here are the results of their heavenly body studies for this week.
Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries now. You soon may encounter a derringer, a dirigible, and/or become daring. It is not clear at this time.
Taurus… Venus is trine with Taurus now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to become far flung.
Gemini… The Earth is nearing a change in season. You will have the urge to allure, endure and/or insure. We’re not sure.
Cancer… The Moon is approaching its new moon phase now. You will soon encounter a divan, a wing span and/or a garbage can. Good luck with that.
Leo… The Sun is in its fifth house decorating for the holidays. You soon may be found drooling, dueling, and/or engaged in schooling.
Virgo… Saturn is square with Virgo at this time. You will be known worldwide for your maniacal laugh which strangely sounds like Dennis Miller cackling.
Libra… Neptune is rising after being trine with Libra. You will soon have a stroke. Luckily it will be a stroke of genius. But it will fade fast.
Scorpio… Pluto is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. It’s axiomatic. Soon you will be known as the Ace of Axioms.
Sagittarius… Mars is in retrograde now. You will gain fame and fortune with your new book called, “Cooking with Angst”.
Capricorn… Venus is square with Capricorn at this time. BTW, Venus hates being called a square, so watch it. In the future, you will be nominated for a Nobel Prize for your book called, “Extinguish Anguish With A Wish”. Unfortunately you will be passed over when the committee sees that it was written in crayon on recycled cardboard.
Aquarius… Uranus is favorable for your sign at this time. You will gain favor with your friends when you stop including the words “toad face” in your greetings.
Pisces… Mercury is falling now. You will finally crawl out of your shell, but into another as you act on the urge to become a Ninja Turtle.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
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