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Archive for December, 2013

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec. 29th, 2013


We hope you and yours have had a happy holiday season thus far.

This is the last Horror-scope for the year 2013.

My staff and I feel that it might have been a rather horrible year for some of you.

Don’t fret. It isn’t your fault.

After all, the year did have a 13 in it.

Hopefully, 2014 will bring more “subdued” predictions.

However, the Celestial sphere seems to have a mind of its own.

Be ready for anything.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is square with Aries at this time. You will become world famous for your reporting skills when you reveal that department store Santas are a result of a worldwide government cloning experiment that went wrong.

Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. You will become rich and famous for your cook book called, “Cooking With Kettledrums”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now. In the near future, you will become bemused while you are being used.

Cancer… The Moon is waning at this time and it’s sad. Please smile at it from time to time to cheer it up. You will soon be confronted by your frontal lobe.

Leo… Mars is in perigee at this time and is thrilled about it. You will be on your best behavior when a man called Xavier visits you.

Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo now. You will flounder and nearly drown in a stream of consciousness.

Libra… Venus is descending at the moment and is not happy about it. You will soon recreate with a reprobate. Could it be Dennis Miller?

Scorpio… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will soon encounter duplicity, electricity, and/or elasticity.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fourth house sulking, and we don’t know why. Be wary! You will discover something hairy and scary while riding a dromedary near Tucumcari.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. Your lucky number is three. Your lucky item is a DVD. Your lucky insect is a bee. But, you will be very unlucky after watching something on TV.

Aquarius… The Sun is not experiencing any solar flares at this time, and it is very happy about that. Sorry, but soon, there will be no exceptions to your imperfections.

Pisces… Pluto is in its seventh house getting ready for a New Year’s Eve party. You will soon borrow a stack of old, blue, Melmac from someone named Jack who is addicted to crack.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Darling Doggy Drenched


Dog rescued from icy waters in Massachusetts

Two Massachusetts firefighters have made the holiday week brighter by their heroism in the face of the icy Charles River

When a Massachusetts fire department took a 911 call from a frantic dog owner, officers went into action to rescue Crosby.

The five year old Golden Retriever, had run out onto the ice and suddenly found herself deep in the freezing water about 50 yards off shore.

Two firefighters suited up in cold water survival gear and inched their way out onto the ice until they broke through to reach Crosby.

Firefighter Paul Papazian was able to rescue Crosby and guide her back to shore.

Once on shore Crosby was checked out and swiftly walked to a waiting, warm squad car and a dry towel.

She was a little cold and shaken, but seemed to survive the ordeal as best as could be expected.

Shortly thereafter, Crosby was re-united with her owners.

Courtesy: Wellesley Police Department

Found@:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10537023/Dog-rescued-from-icy-waters-in-Massachusetts.html

You can watch a video of the rescue with the above link.

Hmmm…

Someone called 911.
Their dog was not having fun;
She fell into cold water,
Wishing it were much hotter,
Could something heroic be done?

They sent in a great rescue team,
While the owner probably screamed;
They went into the river,
While Crosby did shiver,
To onlookers it looked like a dream.

Onto the shore they arrived,
Crosby was still quite alive;
Wrapped up real tight,
Shivering from fright,
They’re happy that she did survive.

A lesson is here for us all,
Keep dogs leashed so they cannot fall,
Thru cold winter ice,
That wouldn’t be nice,
It’s something that would make us bawl.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Education Earns Exactly $11.00


30-Year-Old Has Earned $11 More Than He Would Have Without College Education

DUBLIN, OH—

After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today.

“All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education.

“If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out.
All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.”
The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/30yearold-has-earned-11-more-than-he-would-have-wi,34824/

Hmmm…

There was a young man from Dublin,
Whose college tuition kept doublin’;
He stayed on at school,
Perhaps a real fool,
The thought of it all now is troublin’.

Is college still worth the high price?
Or is it a throw of the dice?
The cost is so great,
And you study sooo late,
You live on noodles and rice.

Is it better to just work instead?
Sans exams that you really dread?
Live a life without pressure,
In places much fresher,
Is no college ed. something you dread?

Should you spend your youth money earning?
Instead of the midnight light burning,
No dull classes to take,
For education’s sake,
It’s a thought which keeps on returning.

It’s a choice that you have to make,
Think about it while you’re on your break,
Should you spend all that cash?
From a bank’s private stash?
The rest of your life is at stake.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec 22nd, 2013


This is the last horror-scope before Christmas.

We here at Horror-scope Central wish you all, the best of everything for the holidays.

May you spend these days with in joyful happiness with your loving family and friends.

In the meantime, enjoy this week’s prognostications.

We hope the charts have been good to you.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries at this time. You will awaken to find everyone at the national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.

Taurus… Saturn is rising this week. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.

Gemini… Neptune is descending at the moment. This week your interest will lie in the diabolic, something hyperbolic, and/or an alcoholic.

Cancer… Pluto is on the cusp with Cancer at this time. Beware of a sneaky snooper, a pooper scooper, and/or something really super.

Leo… The Earth is rising at the moment. You will soon be stuck in a return line. (Not in a department store.) In your air conditioning system.

Virgo… Venus is descending now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to be dubious at best.

Libra… The Moon is waning at this time. You will be caught cheating at checkers. As punishment, you will be forced to listen to Dennis Miller in Gaelic for several days.

Scorpio… Mars is in retrograde at the moment. You will be invaded by an army of armchairs from a nearby armory.

Sagittarius… Pluto is rising at the moment. You will be stalked in a stock yard by Stockard Channing.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house and approaching a cusp with Capricorn. You should know that with few exceptions, you cannot buy spreadsheets at a linen outlet.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fifth house making preparations for a New Years Eve party. Keep your eyes wide open for a certain business card, a pound of lard, and/or a cross crossing guard.

Pisces… Saturn is approaching its perigee at this time. Be alert for a large snow drift ,a geographical rift and/or a paradigm shift.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Tiny Tree Triumphs


3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—

Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to “pull the place together,” local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment.

“I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there,” said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really “tied together nicely” with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor.

“I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didn’t know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top.”

Sources noted that Uhlir’s living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/3foottall-christmas-tree-really-completes-incredib,34834/

Hmmm…

A tiny woeful Christmas tree,
Is something for the world to see,
It sits alone on a wooden floor,
The owner couldn’t ask for more.

It has a few scarce ornaments,
To look at it makes me lament,
The tinsel hangs on spiny arms,
But it exudes its lovely charms,

The tree is only three foot tall,
But it stands proud against a wall,
There is no star to adorn the thing,
Or angles with their heavenly wings.

There is but one small string of lights,
To make the drab room somewhat bright,
A small stained towel surrounds its base,
The sight brings smiles to the owners face.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Poor Perplexed Parents


Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday

WASHINGTON—

Noting that the experience is sure to be extremely upsetting, a new report has found that thousands of Americans will likely notice the first signs of their parents’ dementia while visiting over the holidays.

“Shortly after arriving home from the airport, an estimated tens of thousands of adults will invariably witness one or both parents forget something that just happened, misremember details of their lives that have been discussed hundreds of times before, or momentarily lose track of what they were doing right in the middle of an action,” lead author Dr. Tim Belarde wrote in the report.

He added that 80 percent will see their parents write down incorrect information on a calendar, 65 percent will hear their mothers refer to a completely nonexistent event from childhood, and half will observe their father mixing up siblings’ names.

“For the remainder of their vacations, these Americans will spend hours carefully observing their parents for further signs of mental decline and then convince themselves that any brain lapses were anomalies due to the stress of the holidays, ultimately leaving with dozens of unsettling memories they will repress in an effort to deny the inevitable.

” At press time, sources reported that an estimated 40,000 mothers had just asked their children to resend their flight itineraries for the fourth time.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/thousands-of-americans-to-notice-first-signs-of-de,34828/

Hmmm…

Seeing your parents forget,
Their keys, their car, or their pet;
They don’t know some detail,
Or a fact from an old tale,
Is something that makes most kids fret.

They mix up their childrens’ names,
Forget rules of common games;
They have a brain lapse,
Or several perhaps,
It really is quite a shame.

They suffer from mental decline,
But not of their own design;
It comes on with age,
A frequent blank page,
It certainly isn’t divine.

There’s nothing much that we can do,
We can’t mix a magical brew;
It’s all part of life,
It can bring on strife,
We just have to see what ensues.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Surrounded by Sorry Santas


‘Real’ Santa is divorced, eats beef and drives a Toyota.

Britain…

“As children prepare to leave out sherry for Santa and his elves, a survey has found Britain’s Father Christmasses prefer a pint of bitter and Kelly Brook

Traditionally Santa eats mince pies, drinks sherry, drives a sleigh, and is happily married to Mrs. Claus.

But ‘real-life’ Santas who take on the role in department stores and shops across the country eat roast beef, drink bitter, drive a Toyota and are likely to be divorced.

This army of Santas will probably also hate elves.

A survey of 50 ‘real-life’ Santas, who are donning suits and hats to become Father Christmas at department stores and agencies across the UK this year, revealed many don’t fit the traditional image of St Nick many children hold dear.

The report found most Santas are actually 6ft 1in, weigh 15 stone and instead of a sleigh, drive a Toyota Avensis.

Around 55 per cent are divorced and most say their ideal woman isn’t exactly Mrs. Claus – but a cross between Kelly Brook and Carol Vorderman, with an element of Goldie Hawn thrown in.

The survey, by men’s clothing chain High and Mighty, found that while Santas don’t meet the traditional ‘fat and jolly’ image, they are also nothing like the skinny Father Christmas at Winter Wonderland (fair) in Milton Keynes, which has been fiercely criticized by parents.

The fair closed this week after complaints about Santa, an ice rink with no ice and elves smoking cigarettes.

A spokesman for High and Mighty said: “As children worldwide prepare carrots for the reindeer and mince pies for St Nick we wanted to lift the lid on what Santa really wants.

“It turns out that Father Christmas is around 6ft 1ins, weighs 15 stone (appx. 210 pounds), drives a Toyota and wouldn’t mind a bit of Kelly Brook.”

The survey also revealed the tipple of choice for most Santas is likely to be a pint of bitter and rather than Jingle Bells most listen to a combination of The Clash and Frank Sinatra.

Around 70 per cent admit to hating elves despite their seasonal jobs, but most of them love their smartphones and would put an electric guitar on their Christmas list.”

Found@:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/10522974/Real-Santa-is-divorced-eats-beef-and-drives-a-Toyota.html

Hmmm

New Santas don’t match old tradition,
They are on a different mission;
Some don’t like those elves,
Who put toys on the shelves,
They drink beer of their own volition.

They don’t drive an old fashioned sleigh,
They drive cars which do not need hay;
They are divorced,
For “Cause” of course,
They’re different in every way.

Most like the girl Kelly Brook,
On her they really are hooked;
They look at her pics,
Not like old St. Nick,
Who not might agree with her look.

Old Santa is a thing of the past,
Modern Santa’s might cause some to gasp;
They’re sure not the same,
Though they share the name,
I guess older traditions don’t last.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Happiness Harms Health?


Health warning: laughter could leave you in stitches

A review of the benefits of laughter in patients by Oxford University has found that far from being the best medicine, it can lead to heart ruptures, asthma attacks and incontinence

It is said laughter is the best medicine, but research has shown a sudden fit of the giggles could be bad for health, leaving some people literally in stitches.

A study of the reported benefits and damage of laughter in patients from 1946 to the present day found a loud guffaw can causing heart rupture, torn gullets and incontinence.

Researchers from Birmingham and Oxford universities concluded laughter can have serious health implications.

One woman with racing heart syndrome collapsed and died after a period of intense laughter and laughing ‘fit to burst’ was found to cause possible heart rupture or a torn gullet.

A quick intake of breath during laughing was also discovered to often cause inhalation of foreign bodies and can also provoke asthma attacks.

Bursts of laughter were also proven to cause incontinence and trigger hernias.

However the review found that chuckling can also have a positive impact in health.

Laughter reduces arterial wall stiffness, which researchers suggest may relieve tension. And it lowered the risk of heart attack.

Hospital clowns improved lung function in patients with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and ‘genuine laughter’ for a whole day could burn 2000 calories and lower the blood sugar in diabetics.

Laughter also enhanced fertility: 36 per cent of would-be mothers who were entertained by a clown after IVF and embryo transfer became pregnant compared with 20 per cent in the control group.

The researchers say that their review challenges the view that laughter can only be beneficial but do add that humor in any form carries a “low risk of harm and may be beneficial”.

They conclude that it remains to be seen whether “sick jokes make you ill, dry wit causes dehydration or jokes in bad taste cause dysgeusia (distortion of sense of taste)”.

“We categorized the effects as beneficial or harmful, a usually clear-cut distinction. Some effects, however, such as lowering the threshold for seduction, could not be unequivocally categorized,” said the authors.

“Some readers may ignore the benefits of laughter. That would be serious. Others may dismiss its harms. We call them the laughing cavalier.”

Found @
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/10514690/Health-warning-laughter-could-leave-you-in-stitches.html

Hmmm…

Can laughter really ruin your health?
Cause problems which could drain your wealth?
Should you laugh at a clown,
In your hospital gown?
Or avoid laughing with much stealth?

Some scientists think it’s not good,
To laugh when you think you should;
You could get some stitches,
And end up with itches,
It’s something that’s misunderstood.

There are people don’t like the idea,
That laughing will cause diarrhea;
A chuckle’s a pill,
That can cure any ill,
From measles to dysgeusia.

Is laughter the best medicine?
Or something we should jettison?
You be the judge,
Just don’t hold a grudge,
Be honest with your comparison.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: 12-15-14


Things are moving right along at Horror-scope Central.

Our staff has been hard at work (more than usual) with the expectation of many holiday gifts from the management, including bonuses and more coffee breaks coupled with pastries.

We will be having an office party in the near future. Hopefully it won’t go bad like a few years ago when the monkeys decided that swinging from the florescent lights was the way to celebrate.

We hope this week’s predictions won’t upset you too much, (snicker, snicker).

But, we call them as we see them.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is trine with Aries at this time. In the future, you will be known for your ability to wilt on command,like Dennis Miller.

Taurus…
The moon is getting fuller now and brightens the evening sky. You will get a case of hay fever when you are hacked by someone hiding in a haystack.

Gemini… Mars is square with Gemini at this time. Hmmm. You will soon develop a close relationship with Gingivitis or, some other famous Greek.

Cancer… Saturn is rising now. Get ready for some embarrassment. You will soon feel that your shucking is shameful.

Leo… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will awaken to find that you have been adhered to a large sticky note.

Virgo… The Earth is hurtling toward another solstice at this time of year. Careful. Your enemies want to turn you into a vector drawing.

Libra… Mercury is in apogee at this moment. In the near future, your salad will be tossed with gravitas.

Scorpio… Venus is on the cusp with Scorpio. In the near future you will see something regal, a bald eagle and/or a small beagle.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in its fifth house at the moment getting ready for a holiday party. You will soon find yourself caught in a rain storm wearing only cotton candy.

Capricorn… Jupiter is descending this week and it’s getting queasy. You will soon find yourself with wet eyes in a dry gulch.

Aquarius… Neptune is tuning up for a holiday concert. You will soon have the uncontrollable urge to lift and separate.

Pisces… The Sun is on the cusp of Pisces now. Keep your eyes wide open for a certain business card, a pound of lard, and/or a cross crossing guard.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Disgusting Dissection Dissed


Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse

MONTCLAIR, NJ—

Students at Glenville Middle School expressed disgust Thursday at having to dissect full-size horse cadavers, a much-dreaded annual assignment given to all seventh-grade biology classes in the local school district.

“You always hear that [biology teacher] Mr. Becora’s going to make you dissect a 14-hand thoroughbred, but until you actually see one all pinned down on your lab table, you don’t realize how gross it’s going to be,” said Lauren Denison, 13, who has protested the policy stating that any student who refuses to participate is automatically given a C.

“They give you this horse in a tank of formaldehyde, and it’s super disgusting—you and your lab partner have to slice off the hooves one by one, and that’s before you even crack open the rib cage and remove the aorta. Yuck!”

As of press time, resident class clown Ian Levine was reportedly trying to lasso Denison using his horse’s small intestine.

Found@
http://www.theonion.com/articles/seventhgrade-biology-class-grossed-out-at-having-t,34413/

Hmmm…

Some kids had to dissect a horse,
They declined but they were forced;
Soaked in formaldehyde,
After the horse had died,
They were grossed out of course.

The kids are of middle school age,
Dissection just isn’t the rage;
They cut up the thing,
Disgust it did bring,
The teacher is not very sage.

A few didn’t participate,
In something that they really hate,
They all got a “C”,
Automatically,
A grade that isn’t so great.

They cut off the hooves one by one,
They weren’t happy when they were done,
They sliced up the heart,
And other gross parts,
It really wasn’t much fun.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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