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This week brings you another plethora of prophesies hot off the charts.

Our staff has been banging away at their keyboards to compile a list of ideas to warn you of future events.

We hope you fare well this week.


Aries… Saturn is in its fifth house cleaning up the yard for the New Year. Getting a trundle bed is a great idea, but don’t expect the Trundles to return for another sleep over after the last time.

Taurus… Venus is trine with Taurus at the moment. You will soon discover a paradox while para-sailing in Paraguay.

Gemini… Mars is rising at the moment. In your case, true love can only be found by reverse osmosis or advice from Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Earth is still on its journey toward a solstice. Be forewarned. You should not date a mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth.

Leo… The Moon still looks like a giant toe nail at this time. This week you will be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing polyester pantsuits.

Virgo… Mercury is in its second house working on a science fiction novel. Stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and, too cautious.

Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now. Soon, you will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.

Scorpio… Pluto is in perigee at this time. You will soon encounter something jade, a long parade and, some lemonade.

Sagittarius… Neptune is on the cusp with Sagittarius now. Soon you will fall wearing chain mall in a shopping mall hall.

Capricorn… Jupiter is rising at this time. You will soon find yourself dragging a dragnet with a dragon.

Aquarius… Saturn is trine with Aquarius at this time. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp with Pisces now. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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