Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

‘Real’ Santa is divorced, eats beef and drives a Toyota.


“As children prepare to leave out sherry for Santa and his elves, a survey has found Britain’s Father Christmasses prefer a pint of bitter and Kelly Brook

Traditionally Santa eats mince pies, drinks sherry, drives a sleigh, and is happily married to Mrs. Claus.

But ‘real-life’ Santas who take on the role in department stores and shops across the country eat roast beef, drink bitter, drive a Toyota and are likely to be divorced.

This army of Santas will probably also hate elves.

A survey of 50 ‘real-life’ Santas, who are donning suits and hats to become Father Christmas at department stores and agencies across the UK this year, revealed many don’t fit the traditional image of St Nick many children hold dear.

The report found most Santas are actually 6ft 1in, weigh 15 stone and instead of a sleigh, drive a Toyota Avensis.

Around 55 per cent are divorced and most say their ideal woman isn’t exactly Mrs. Claus – but a cross between Kelly Brook and Carol Vorderman, with an element of Goldie Hawn thrown in.

The survey, by men’s clothing chain High and Mighty, found that while Santas don’t meet the traditional ‘fat and jolly’ image, they are also nothing like the skinny Father Christmas at Winter Wonderland (fair) in Milton Keynes, which has been fiercely criticized by parents.

The fair closed this week after complaints about Santa, an ice rink with no ice and elves smoking cigarettes.

A spokesman for High and Mighty said: “As children worldwide prepare carrots for the reindeer and mince pies for St Nick we wanted to lift the lid on what Santa really wants.

“It turns out that Father Christmas is around 6ft 1ins, weighs 15 stone (appx. 210 pounds), drives a Toyota and wouldn’t mind a bit of Kelly Brook.”

The survey also revealed the tipple of choice for most Santas is likely to be a pint of bitter and rather than Jingle Bells most listen to a combination of The Clash and Frank Sinatra.

Around 70 per cent admit to hating elves despite their seasonal jobs, but most of them love their smartphones and would put an electric guitar on their Christmas list.”



New Santas don’t match old tradition,
They are on a different mission;
Some don’t like those elves,
Who put toys on the shelves,
They drink beer of their own volition.

They don’t drive an old fashioned sleigh,
They drive cars which do not need hay;
They are divorced,
For “Cause” of course,
They’re different in every way.

Most like the girl Kelly Brook,
On her they really are hooked;
They look at her pics,
Not like old St. Nick,
Who not might agree with her look.

Old Santa is a thing of the past,
Modern Santa’s might cause some to gasp;
They’re sure not the same,
Though they share the name,
I guess older traditions don’t last.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: