We hope you and yours have had a happy holiday season thus far.
This is the last Horror-scope for the year 2013.
My staff and I feel that it might have been a rather horrible year for some of you.
Don’t fret. It isn’t your fault.
After all, the year did have a 13 in it.
Hopefully, 2014 will bring more “subdued” predictions.
However, the Celestial sphere seems to have a mind of its own.
Be ready for anything.
Aries… The Earth is square with Aries at this time. You will become world famous for your reporting skills when you reveal that department store Santas are a result of a worldwide government cloning experiment that went wrong.
Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. You will become rich and famous for your cook book called, “Cooking With Kettledrums”.
Gemini… Saturn is rising now. In the near future, you will become bemused while you are being used.
Cancer… The Moon is waning at this time and it’s sad. Please smile at it from time to time to cheer it up. You will soon be confronted by your frontal lobe.
Leo… Mars is in perigee at this time and is thrilled about it. You will be on your best behavior when a man called Xavier visits you.
Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo now. You will flounder and nearly drown in a stream of consciousness.
Libra… Venus is descending at the moment and is not happy about it. You will soon recreate with a reprobate. Could it be Dennis Miller?
Scorpio… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will soon encounter duplicity, electricity, and/or elasticity.
Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fourth house sulking, and we don’t know why. Be wary! You will discover something hairy and scary while riding a dromedary near Tucumcari.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. Your lucky number is three. Your lucky item is a DVD. Your lucky insect is a bee. But, you will be very unlucky after watching something on TV.
Aquarius… The Sun is not experiencing any solar flares at this time, and it is very happy about that. Sorry, but soon, there will be no exceptions to your imperfections.
Pisces… Pluto is in its seventh house getting ready for a New Year’s Eve party. You will soon borrow a stack of old, blue, Melmac from someone named Jack who is addicted to crack.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.