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Archive for January, 2014

Costly Car Cuisine Causing Consternation


Nation’s Lunatics Lament Rising Cost Of Car Meat

Psychotics across the country say car meat prices must go down or else the IRS will stop giving Tommy Lasorda hay fever.

WASHINGTON—

Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat, an essential staple of the lunatic diet.

“With the way prices are going up, there’s no way I can keep eating hatchback bologna every day,” said Ames, IA resident Milton Tannhauser, 37, noting that he had already taken out a loan from the television show Nightline just to make ends meet.

“Back when this was the greatest solar system in the country, I could buy a bucket of car meat for whatever gravel I had left at the end of the day—convertible chops, Volvo shanks, and those great station wagon sausages that they would deliver straight to the laundry hamper. But now, unless you’re pulling down the salary of a mall pope, it’s just too expensive.”

“And what are the Rockefellers doing about it?” Tannhauser added in a much softer tone of voice after guardedly peering to both sides. “Not a goddamn thing. It makes you wonder why we even went to war with the Pep Boys.”

Tannhauser’s story is all too common, as lunatics across the country have expressed dismay over the surging prices. Over the past 15 years, wildly unpredictable car meat prices have surged from negative four cents per pound of Jeep belly to a record high of 35 feet of aluminum foil for a single bite of slow-roasted Cadillac, and the completely psychotic are feeling the pinch.

According to top lunatic economists, over 4,300 percent of crazy U.S. citizens have had to forego vital expenses from shiny key rings to exactly 10 packages of peppermint Chiclets, just to ensure that they can afford the daily allowance of 17 pounds of car meat recommended by deranged nutritionists.

“I have 14 Barbra Streisands to feed, and having to sell my memories on Craigslist just to buy a Chevrolet sandwich isn’t helping,” Miami resident Yank Mutcherson, 793, shouted at a large outdoor concrete flower planter.

“The speakers installed in my ear are yelling sunup to sundown about ‘We want Hondaburgers! We want roast minivan!’ But thanks to the big shots at Lysol and Eastman Kodak, I’ve been stuffing less and less dinner into my coat pockets.”

Added Mutcherson, “It’s honestly enough to make a guy scream the name ‘Vanna White’ repeatedly until he gets kicked out of the library.”

As prices continue to climb, pressure is increasing on insane leaders to address the situation. A march last month on the National Mall in Washington was attended by an estimated four lunatics, who reportedly chanted and waved Halloween decorations as they marched in separate directions.

A scathing editorial in the Albany Screen Door–Tribune, the nation’s leading psychotic newspaper printed on used coffee filters, demanded that President Obama stop NASA from harvesting hair from every human while they sleep and instead put more car meat into lunatics’ stomachs and VCRs.

Other activists have vowed to stage hunger strikes, marry Melissa Joan Hart, or rip down any sign or placard beginning with the letter N until price controls are put in place.

However, help for the hungry and delusional may come in the form of H.R. 614, an aid bill drafted by self-proclaimed congressman Rep. Arnold Thermos. If passed, the bill would allocate $300 million a second for the purpose of distributing free car meat to any citizen who recites the instructions being broadcast by overhead power lines.

Funding for the bill would reportedly be raised by relaxing levels of the secret chemical in Mountain Dew that lets the Bureau of Weights and Measures track citizens’ bowel movements.

But such aid may be too little, too late for unhinged imbeciles like Jesus Christ of Bloomington, IN.
“In 1980 you could get a trolley steak for seven plastic bags, with a discount if Peter Frampton lives in your cigarette lighter,” Christ muttered to a reporter through a sewer grate. “This year my Thanksgiving dinner was a couple of electric scooter patties marinated in church juice. It just goes to know, to go, go, the go you show, whoa, my feet, William.”

Found @:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-lunatics-lament-rising-cost-of-car-meat,35046/

Hmmm…

People having cars for lunch?
Can you imagine the crunch?
You eat a Corvair,
You bite with much care,
For snacks iron’s something to munch.

They call their weird food car meats,
For them it’s a hardy meat treat,
There’s Fords and there’s Chevys,
The meat is quite heavy,
But it’s something that’s hard to beat.

They’re car meat prices are rising.
It shouldn’t be so surprising.
More cars on the road,
Less meat to unload,
Higher prices, they are advising.

They’re hoping for federal laws,
To help them in their dire cause.
Get meat prices down,
In every town,
So car meat can test their jaws.

Are these people some hard core nuts?
Who consume bolts and steel wheel nuts.
A muffler or two,
Some worm gears will do,
It must be quite hard on their guts.

You won’t catch me eating that stuff.
To me real meat is enough.
Give me a steak,
Not a disk brake,
That stuff is too tough, and too rough.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Climbers Climb Construction Crane


Urban explorers climb London’s ‘Walkie Talkie’ building

An urban explorer dangles his legs from the roof of London’s iconic Walkie-Talkie building – after dodging security and climbing a crane

London-

Housemates Antoine Dutilh, 22, Danny Lowe, 24, and Ricky Winspear, 23, decided to scale the under-construction London skyscraper after spying it from the roof of another building earlier in the day.

The trio are far from experienced urban explorers, spending only 10 minutes scouting out the building before hopping a fence and taking the stairs to the summit.

“The views from the top were just incredible, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Ricky, from Paddington, London.

“When you’re peering over the edge just looking down with nothing between you and the floor, 180m above the ground, it’s mind-blowing.”

20 Fenchurch Street, nicknamed the Walkie-Talkie building due to its distinctive shape, hit the headlines in September last year after its reflective exterior bounced rays of sunlight onto nearby parked cars, causing parts of them to melt.

Once at the summit the explorers climbed some scaffolding to reach a crane.

They began to climb the machine but were forced to descend when it began to whir into life.

“We were going up one of the cranes, we got halfway up, but I wanted to go all the way to the top to get the highest view I could get, but the crane started moving and we realised there was someone operating the crane,” said Antoine, an illustrator and artist.

“We weren’t sure if he saw us, but as soon as that happened we just thought we should head down and go to another part of the building.”

The trio were keen to stress that they caused no damage to the site, and believe they did not put themselves at any risk during their explorations.

Danny, a fashion photographer, said: “The climb itself wasn’t dangerous because it’s designed for builders to work there on a day-to-day basis. The building was safe, it wasn’t like we were hanging off any ledges.”

The friends spent time on the roof taking photographs and drinking in the panoramic views, although their plans to stay overnight and watch the sunrise were scuppered when they heard workmen milling around the site and decided to make a quick exit.

“It felt very peaceful, almost surreal, it’s a different perspective of London. It’s something that’s not linked to London as a busy place, it’s completely different, you can see everything, it’s brilliant. A really really cool feeling,” said Antoine.

“I just wanted to go to a place that I’ve never been before. It was an adventure and a challenge,” added Danny, who used to have a fear of heights.

He added: “What I can take away from climbing the Walkie Talkie? It’s not that I’m a bigger man because I’d done this thing, it just makes you balance things out, you realise that the little things that bother you on a day-to-day basis are so unimportant, there’s bigger things that mean more.”

“In the future when we go past and it’s actually been built, there’s not many people can say they’d stood on the top of the roof of the Walkie-Talkie building. It’s remarkable that we’ve done it.”

Found@:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10591655/Urban-explorers-climb-Londons-Walkie-Talkie-building.html

Hmmm…

Urban explorers moved up many floors,
Climbing like human flies.
They climbed a new building,
Which has no real gilding,
A hundred and eighty meters high.

Urban explorers just live for the climb,
They do it to touch the sky.
They climbed Walkie-Talki,
Perhaps being cocky,
It’s thrilling; Do give it a try.

While up there they took in a bird’s eye view,
There wasn’t much else they could do,
Their time was cut short,
If you read the report,
It was time to climb something new.


© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Jan 26th, 2014


Welcome to this week’s semi-astrological predictions.

We hope you got through the past week all right, hopefully, without too many physical and emotional scars.

This week’s charts have been studied and evaluated with the precision of a two dollar watch. So watch out.

Get ready for the best and the worst the celestial sphere has to offer.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is busy shoveling out after a huge, space, snow storm. You will have a major breakthrough, just before the police arrest you for reckless driving.

Taurus…Mercury is in its fifth house planning a poker night. You will gain fame and fortune for your vying abilities.

Gemini… The sun is on the cusp of Gemini now. Be extra cautious at this time. Your enemies are planning to turn you into a harlequin.

Cancer… Uranus is trine with Cancer at the moment. You will soon have the uncontrollable urge to bleach a peach while at the beach.

Leo… Mercury is rising now. You will soon be extremely proud, and happy with a pinwheel hat perched on your head.

Virgo… Mars is in perigee at this time. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to crimp your style.

Libra… Venus is trine with Libra at this time. You will be world famous for your ability to be vicarious on command.

Libra… You will become rich and famous for your book entitled, “Cooking With Sugar- free Urinal Cakes”.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its fourth house cleaning up after a wild party with the moon and a few asteroids. You will have the uncontrollable urge to date a telemarketer, but you will become very depressed when he/she never calls you.

Sagittarius… The Moon is on the cusp of Sagittarius now. Take extra precautions this week. Your enemies are planning to thicken your viscosity.

Capricorn… Pluto is depressed after losing a law suit with the Disney Corporation, over using its name, “Pluto” for monetary gain. We suggest you have an ample supply of towels on hand. Soon your days will be filled with dunk tanks.

Aquarius… Neptune is visiting a travel agent to plan an upcoming vacation to another galaxy. Your enemies are plotting to brown and serve you.

Pisces… Uranus is in apogee at this time. You will be pleased to sneeze on your knees while in a stiff breeze next to Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Darling Doggie Does Doga?


Doga: how yoga can be good for dogs too.

A man tries to relax his excitable Chihuahua by teaching it yoga – and it copies him as he performs the poses

Many dog owners enjoy exercising with their pet – whether that is going for a walk, a run or riding a bike alongside their dog.

However, Nic Bello is looking to do something a little bit more relaxing and has been teaching his dog Pancho to do yoga.

Apparently this is a real thing – called “Doga”. As Chihuahuas are notoriously yappy and excitable dogs, I hope that all that stretching and breathing can help the little creature relax.

The pair have now released a series of dog yoga videos together, with this showing some more complex yoga moves:

See a video of it @:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/good-to-share/10591742/Doga-how-yoga-can-be-good-for-dogs-too.html

Hmmm

A man gets his dog to do yoga,
He calls the routines his new “Doga”;
He stretches his body,
Without being haughty,
He’d really look good in a toga.

They do all the routines together,
In any and all kinds of weather;
They bend and they stretch,
It helps Poncho to fetch,
The dog is as light as a feather.

Chihuahuas are usually yappy,
Perhaps cause they’re always quite happy;
When you get such a pet,
It’s excitement you get,
It’s true; I’m not just being sappy.

They’re making a new video,
Doga’s the name of the show;
It’s something to buy,
For your dog to try,
It might help; you never know.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Fellow’s Food Fussiness Frustrating


Fussy eaterFussy Eater 38

OMAHA, NE—

According to sources, local fussy eater Bryan Wilcox, who is known for refusing to eat any type of food he hasn’t tried before or that falls outside of his narrow zone of comfort, is 38 years old.

“Can I just get it plain, without sauce?” asked the adult man, who was born in 1975, has a 401k, a spouse, and two young children, yet frowns and shakes his head at the sight of shellfish, most varieties of vegetable, or any sandwich that hasn’t first had its crust removed. “Is it touching tomatoes? I don’t want it if it’s touching tomatoes.”

Sources later confirmed that Wilcox, a fully grown human, just pushed his food around his plate until he got to have dessert.

Found@: http://www.theonion.com/articles/fussy-eater-38,35011/

Hmmm…

This guy is fussy over food,
I guess he’s never in the mood.
He’ll cannot touch a vegetable,
Even to be sociable.

A sandwich hasn’t passed his lips,
Forget about the sirloin tips.
Tomatoes aren’t on his list,
I’m sure by now you get my gist.

Shellfish makes him very picky,
To him I guess they’re truly icky.
He pushes food around his plate,
To him the fare is just not great.

But when it comes to sweet dessert,
“I love this!” he will quickly blurt.
He drives his wife and kids insane,
To them this man is quite inane.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Befuddled By Boisterous Bird


ostrich_2790510b

Tunbridge Wells Ostrich: RSPCA warns not to approach dangerous bird.

The RSPCA is urging the public to stay away from an ostrich that caused traffic chaos in Tunbridge Wells on Tuesday in case it “breaks someone’s leg” as it admits the bird may never be caught.

The charity also warned another escaped bird is on the loose less than 40 miles away in West Sussex after evading capture for almost two months.

The ostrich in Kent was spotted running beside cars at more than 40mph, causing motorists to slam on the breaks and making traffic slow to a crawl around the villages of Rusthall and Speldhurst between 8.30 and 9am.

The RSPCA said it was “not hopeful” of catching the ostrich, which is able to run up to 60mph and has a powerful kick that can kill a human.

It also warned that although the birds are not aggressive animals, they had the power to “break someone’s leg” if approached.

Written by By Alice Philipson

Found @:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10573599/Tunbridge-Wells-Ostrich-RSPCA-warns-not-to-approach-dangerous-bird.html

Hmmm…

An ostrich is running about,
It never should have gotten out;
It’s been seen on the speedway,
Running fast every which way,
If seen, give a loud warning shout.

Authorities say to keep clear,
If it kicks you, you will shed a tear;
Just call in your sighting,
I’m sure it’s exciting,
More so than seeing a deer.

It can be a dangerous one,
Get close and it won’t be much fun;
It has a big kick,
Breaks your leg like a stick,
It’s best when you see it to run.

It’s causing a big traffic jam,
And many a car break to slam;
It’s been on the run,
For months, say some,
The big bird is now on the lamb.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Jan 19th, 2014


horoscope chart

Welcome once again to Your Horror-scope.

Thank you for joining us.

We hope it isn’t too cold where you live. If so we hope you are coping.

Speaking of coping, this week’s prognostications may just require some coping on your part.

Have a happy week, if that’s possible.

Here we go…

Aries… Mercury is descending now. Soon you will be given a license to drive people crazy. But, you will then be ticketed for careless driving.

Taurus… The Earth is in perigee at the moment. You will try to impress a witch buy buying her a spell checker program for her computer. However, the program will contain a virus, and the witch will turn you into a toad.

Gemini… The Sun is at a low in solar flare activity. Soon you will encounter something sonic, or something platonic, or something iconic. It may even be ironic.

Cancer… Venus is on the cusp of Cancer at the moment. You will soon slouch on a couch alongside a grumpy grouch shouting, “Ouch”. Good luck with that.

Leo… Mars is in retrograde at this time. In the future, you will desperately hope to find a rope on a slope. We hope you succeed.

Virgo… Saturn is descending now. You will soon encounter something rustic, or acoustic, or antiseptic. It is not clear at this time.

Libra… Uranus is rising now. Get ready to be saluted. Your enemies are planning to run you up a flagpole.

Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. You will suffer much guilt over something that wilts. That could make you Flower Power deficient.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius at this moment. One day in the near future you will have a rough fight with a tough stain while in a huff on a bluff.

Aquarius… Venus is in retrograde now. One day in the pouring rain, your brain will suffer from a great strain with nothing to gain but much pain, and a chance to become insane.

Capricorn… Neptune is in its seventh house having coffee with a neighbor. You will soon meet a squatter’s daughter chasing an otter in fast, rushing water.

Pisces… Mars is in retrograde at this time. While near a well, you will promise not to tell when you’re under someone’s spell, nor dwell on it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Carl’s Causing Consternation


Carl's Jr

Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—

Having driven to Virginia Beach to visit his sister for a brief vacation, fast food consumer and Pennsylvania native Don Turnbee expressed his interest Friday in eating at Carl’s Jr., a fast food chain not readily available in his hometown.

“I’ve seen commercials for it on TV, but there isn’t one where I live, so I haven’t tried it before,” Turnbee said of the establishment, which he said is supposed to be better than Sonic but not as good as Jack in the Box. “The closest one is five hours away, and I’m not going to drive that far just to eat there.”

“The one near my sister’s is pretty close, so that’s better,” Turnbee added. “It’s as far as the Burger King is from my house in Erie. So like a 10-minute drive.”

While Turnbee told reporters he is looking forward to trying the restaurant, he said he doesn’t quite know what to expect, adding that he’s unsure if Carl’s Jr. fries are “any good,” whether or not they do chicken nuggets or chicken tenders, or if it is the type of fast food restaurant that lets you fill up your own fountain drinks or if the “guy behind the counter does it for you.”

In addition, while he’s reportedly aware of the franchise’s signature sandwich, The Star Burger, he maintained that he doesn’t know if it “has any secret sauce or anything like that.”

“The food in the advertisements always looks pretty good,” said Turnbee, adding that along with ordering a double cheeseburger he’ll probably get a milkshake just to “see what they’re like there.” “I heard that they do something different with their hamburger buns, but I hope it’s not too different. I like buns when they have the seeds on them.”

Turnbee, who regularly patronizes the Wendy’s and Mr. Sub at the Buffalo Road Shopping Plaza in his town, said that while he’s eager to finally eat at Carl’s Jr., he hopes the dining experience will be better than when he tried White Castle for the first time during a trip to his mother-in-law’s.

“I had heard a lot about it because they do those small burgers, but I guess I like bigger burgers,” Turnbee said. “Carl’s Jr. I think will be better because they do normal-sized burgers. It looks like they have these spicy cheese fries, too, but I’m probably just going to get the regular ones.”

“If you go online, they let you build your own sandwich, but I don’t want to do that,” Turnbee continued. “I like ordering the regular way.”

Once again citing the proximity to his sister’s house, the 41-year-old confirmed that he would not rule out returning to the fast food franchise multiple times during his four-day visit should he enjoy the initial experience. The fast food consumer also said he would be willing to try breakfast there.

“I’m sure they have breakfast sandwiches, like sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits and stuff like that, but I don’t know what they do for hash browns,” Turnbee said. “I think they have burritos too, but I don’t like burritos for breakfast, even if they have eggs in them. Burritos are for lunch or dinner.”

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/vacationing-man-excited-to-try-fast-food-franchise,34916/

Hmmm…

Carl’s Jr.’s on somebody’s mind,
There’s none near his home he can find;
He wants a new place,
In the fast food race,
The food may just help him unwind.

The man wants to try something new,
It’s something he thinks he should do;
He’s not sure just yet,
What he will soon get,
But it certainly wouldn’t be stew.

He’s unsure if they have hash browns,
Would they be the best ever found?
And will he take,
A yummy milk shake?
The choices do really abound.

He wonders if they have a sauce,
A secret one known by the boss;
To put on the meats,
That he would soon eat,
And do they serve Haagen Daz?

He’s not sure if he’ll get free drink refills,
That would sure be a sign of much goodwill;
He’ll know all that soon,
Eating lunch at high noon;
Free fill-ups would be kind to his food bill.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Jan 12th, 2014


Hello friends.

We here at Horror-Scope Central are beginning to settle into the New Year.

Our staff is slowly adjusting to putting the new date (2014) on checks and correspondence instead of 2013, as many of you may be still doing.

Of course, the celestial orbs are oblivious to the change in time, since it is a human concept.

Nevertheless, they still seem to influence our lives in ways which can be completely weird, as you will witness below.

Enjoy…

Aries… The moon is trine with Aries at this time in its orbit. You will gain fame and fortune with a book entitled, “Huddling for Fun And Profit”.

Taurus… Neptune is rising at the moment in anticipation of a new week. In the not too distant future, your brain will decide to take a vacation. Perhaps this summer.

Gemini… The Sun is trying to set off another solar flare. You will write a bestselling book called, “The Hell With Helvetica”.

Cancer… Venus is descending at the moment. You will squeal over a great deal in Mobile, but it won’t have much real appeal.

Leo… Mars is in its seventh house having the roof repaired from heavy space dust and debris. You will start a huge, popular, fan club, but you will be injured by one of the rotating blades.

Virgo… Uranus is on the cusp of Virgo at this moment. You should know this ahead of time. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it is dirty.

Libra… Saturn is in its fourth house getting estimates for a makeover. You will smooch in smut in a dirty hut, and it will soon become a rut.

Scorpio… Jupiter is in perigee at the moment. In the future, you will jog joyfully with a juggernaut in a jungle. Bring an umbrella. It might be a rain forest.

Sagittarius… Pluto is contemplating buying a dog and naming it Pluto (of course). An axle will cause an accident involving someone named Axelrod, who has a strong accent.

Capricorn… Neptune is rising now. In the near future, Wi-fi will make you cry. We don’t know why.

Aquarius… The Earth is square with Gemini at this time. You will soon experience a makeover by a descendent of a Dr. Frankenstein.

Pisces… Mercury is on the rise now. Your enemies want to get you on a new game show called…Dialing for Diarrhea. It’s a favorite of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Lotions Leave Lady Listless


Lotion User

Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion

PURCHASE, NY—

Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.

Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.

“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels.”

“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”

Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.

After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler’s body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.

According to friends, Nagler’s overdose was the result of being a habitual lotion user whose addiction had, as of late, spiraled out of control.

“Caroline didn’t do this to herself on purpose—she just didn’t know her limit,” distraught boyfriend Eric Klein told investigators, recalling that Nagler would often come home covered in a layer of lavender salve without acknowledging that she glistened brightly or smelled heavily of morning dew. “It’s a wonder she hasn’t had an overdose yet; it’s a full-on addiction. She hides the bottles everywhere—underneath the sink, in the back of cabinets. I once saw her pull a small bottle of it out of her purse. She couldn’t go 20 minutes without it.”

“It was only a matter of time before she started mixing lotions,” Klein continued. “Every morning it was a cocktail of prescription-strength aloe-vera, rosewater, sunscreen, Wrinkle Revenge cream, and who knows what else.”

Emergency room doctors say that as lotions become more fragrant, more flirty, and more expensive, hospitals will continue to see cases of women overdosing from the products. In the past week alone, local hospitals treated more than 20 local girlfriends with injuries similar to Nagler’s, according to records.

“The mistake so many women make is thinking they can slather on a layer of cedarwood foam, wait a few minutes, and then start rubbing on some shiny body butter,” said emergency physician Dr. Thomas Nguyen, noting that his own girlfriend had a close call last week when she applied more than 80 doses of Jurlique balancing spray, or “pillow mist” as it’s known in street slang. “The rule of thumb is to use a quarter-sized dollop of lotion, wait an hour, then use more if necessary. Oiling up too quickly vastly increases the risk of internal organ failure, or worse.”

“If you think you have a problem, please seek help immediately,” he continued. “Your life is worth more than having silky- smooth skin, no matter how soft and luxurious it might feel.”

Found @
http://www.theonion.com/articles/girlfriend-overdoses-on-lotion,34884/
Hmmm…

A woman just loves her smooth lotions,
She applies them with fervent emotions;
She uses a lot,
Perhaps all that she’s got,
They seem to act like a strong potion.

She slathers the butters on her skin,
From her toes to her lovely, soft chin;
It’s foams and it’s creams,
That are used to extremes,
Is this excess akin to a sin?

She’s prone to ignore her addiction,
Not wanting to cause any friction;
She hides all her balms,
Without any qualms,
She certainly has an affliction.

She ended up in the ER,
From using that stuff in the jar;
The goo was on thickly,
Causing her to be sickly,
Her usage had gone too far.

They say it’s a common condition,
For some it’s a life’s ambition;
They want to look younger,
For lotions they hunger,
Perhaps it’s a predisposition.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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