We at Horror-scope Central hope you had a great New Years evening.
Our staff threw a party which went on until 8AM on New Year’s Day.
Unfortunately, it was held at our offices.
I’m still cleaning up after them. (For those of you who don’t know it, my staff consists of five monkeys and an aardvark that does most of the work around here).
So, we’re off on another year.
We will be working to provide you with the best prognostications, based on the latest Celestial Charts and computer readouts.
Here are this week’s results.
Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries at the moment. You will soon experience back pain, a toy train and/or someone vain.
Taurus… Pluto is in its fifth house taking down holiday decorations. Beware. Your enemies are plotting to dissipate you.
Gemini… Saturn is in opposition to Gemini at this time. We have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are nobody’s fool. The bad news is soon you will become somebody’s fool.
Cancer… The Earth is square with Cancer at the moment. In the future you will live a lavish lifestyle. Unfortunately, you will be living it in a lavatory.
Leo… Neptune is rising at the moment. You will suddenly fear candid photos, candy apples, all canned goods, and Dennis Miller.
Virgo… The Sun is trine with Virgo at this time. You will get real sticky after you arrange your hair with a honeycomb.
Libra… The moon is in perigee this week. In the future, you will really dig a prospector and fall in love.
Scorpio… Venus is in retrograde at this time. We suggest you hold your breath. You will awaken to find yourself sitting on a blow hole.
Sagittarius… Mars is in its seventh house showing it to prospective tenants. Be on the alert. Your enemies are plotting to turn you into a word processing font.
Capricorn… Mercury is rising at this time. You will gain fame and fortune for your recipe for mumbo jumbo.
Aquarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Aquarius at this time. Get ready for some uninvited guests and a lot of itching and scratching.
Pisces… Neptune is square with Pisces at the moment. You will soon lose your remote, surprisingly; you will find it on a remote island.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.