We here at Horror-Scope Central are beginning to settle into the New Year.
Our staff is slowly adjusting to putting the new date (2014) on checks and correspondence instead of 2013, as many of you may be still doing.
Of course, the celestial orbs are oblivious to the change in time, since it is a human concept.
Nevertheless, they still seem to influence our lives in ways which can be completely weird, as you will witness below.
Aries… The moon is trine with Aries at this time in its orbit. You will gain fame and fortune with a book entitled, “Huddling for Fun And Profit”.
Taurus… Neptune is rising at the moment in anticipation of a new week. In the not too distant future, your brain will decide to take a vacation. Perhaps this summer.
Gemini… The Sun is trying to set off another solar flare. You will write a bestselling book called, “The Hell With Helvetica”.
Cancer… Venus is descending at the moment. You will squeal over a great deal in Mobile, but it won’t have much real appeal.
Leo… Mars is in its seventh house having the roof repaired from heavy space dust and debris. You will start a huge, popular, fan club, but you will be injured by one of the rotating blades.
Virgo… Uranus is on the cusp of Virgo at this moment. You should know this ahead of time. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it is dirty.
Libra… Saturn is in its fourth house getting estimates for a makeover. You will smooch in smut in a dirty hut, and it will soon become a rut.
Scorpio… Jupiter is in perigee at the moment. In the future, you will jog joyfully with a juggernaut in a jungle. Bring an umbrella. It might be a rain forest.
Sagittarius… Pluto is contemplating buying a dog and naming it Pluto (of course). An axle will cause an accident involving someone named Axelrod, who has a strong accent.
Capricorn… Neptune is rising now. In the near future, Wi-fi will make you cry. We don’t know why.
Aquarius… The Earth is square with Gemini at this time. You will soon experience a makeover by a descendent of a Dr. Frankenstein.
Pisces… Mercury is on the rise now. Your enemies want to get you on a new game show called…Dialing for Diarrhea. It’s a favorite of Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.