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horoscope chart

Welcome once again to Your Horror-scope.

Thank you for joining us.

We hope it isn’t too cold where you live. If so we hope you are coping.

Speaking of coping, this week’s prognostications may just require some coping on your part.

Have a happy week, if that’s possible.

Here we go…

Aries… Mercury is descending now. Soon you will be given a license to drive people crazy. But, you will then be ticketed for careless driving.

Taurus… The Earth is in perigee at the moment. You will try to impress a witch buy buying her a spell checker program for her computer. However, the program will contain a virus, and the witch will turn you into a toad.

Gemini… The Sun is at a low in solar flare activity. Soon you will encounter something sonic, or something platonic, or something iconic. It may even be ironic.

Cancer… Venus is on the cusp of Cancer at the moment. You will soon slouch on a couch alongside a grumpy grouch shouting, “Ouch”. Good luck with that.

Leo… Mars is in retrograde at this time. In the future, you will desperately hope to find a rope on a slope. We hope you succeed.

Virgo… Saturn is descending now. You will soon encounter something rustic, or acoustic, or antiseptic. It is not clear at this time.

Libra… Uranus is rising now. Get ready to be saluted. Your enemies are planning to run you up a flagpole.

Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. You will suffer much guilt over something that wilts. That could make you Flower Power deficient.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the cusp of Sagittarius at this moment. One day in the near future you will have a rough fight with a tough stain while in a huff on a bluff.

Aquarius… Venus is in retrograde now. One day in the pouring rain, your brain will suffer from a great strain with nothing to gain but much pain, and a chance to become insane.

Capricorn… Neptune is in its seventh house having coffee with a neighbor. You will soon meet a squatter’s daughter chasing an otter in fast, rushing water.

Pisces… Mars is in retrograde at this time. While near a well, you will promise not to tell when you’re under someone’s spell, nor dwell on it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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