Welcome to this week’s semi-astrological predictions.
We hope you got through the past week all right, hopefully, without too many physical and emotional scars.
This week’s charts have been studied and evaluated with the precision of a two dollar watch. So watch out.
Get ready for the best and the worst the celestial sphere has to offer.
Enjoy…
Aries… Saturn is busy shoveling out after a huge, space, snow storm. You will have a major breakthrough, just before the police arrest you for reckless driving.
Taurus…Mercury is in its fifth house planning a poker night. You will gain fame and fortune for your vying abilities.
Gemini… The sun is on the cusp of Gemini now. Be extra cautious at this time. Your enemies are planning to turn you into a harlequin.
Cancer… Uranus is trine with Cancer at the moment. You will soon have the uncontrollable urge to bleach a peach while at the beach.
Leo… Mercury is rising now. You will soon be extremely proud, and happy with a pinwheel hat perched on your head.
Virgo… Mars is in perigee at this time. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to crimp your style.
Libra… Venus is trine with Libra at this time. You will be world famous for your ability to be vicarious on command.
Libra… You will become rich and famous for your book entitled, “Cooking With Sugar- free Urinal Cakes”.
Scorpio… The Earth is in its fourth house cleaning up after a wild party with the moon and a few asteroids. You will have the uncontrollable urge to date a telemarketer, but you will become very depressed when he/she never calls you.
Sagittarius… The Moon is on the cusp of Sagittarius now. Take extra precautions this week. Your enemies are planning to thicken your viscosity.
Capricorn… Pluto is depressed after losing a law suit with the Disney Corporation, over using its name, “Pluto” for monetary gain. We suggest you have an ample supply of towels on hand. Soon your days will be filled with dunk tanks.
Aquarius… Neptune is visiting a travel agent to plan an upcoming vacation to another galaxy. Your enemies are plotting to brown and serve you.
Pisces… Uranus is in apogee at this time. You will be pleased to sneeze on your knees while in a stiff breeze next to Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
Comments on: "Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Jan 26th, 2014" (6)
Thank you very much. I’m happy you like them. Watch for this week’s edition. Cheers!
that is the type of horoscope i will love to read in the newspapers 🙂
Thank you. It’s comments like yours that keep me writingl
Drat!! It was worth a try though.
Great writing, I enjoyed it immensely.
Thank you for your comment, Almost. According to the Book of Numbers, those under the sign of LOTTO often refer to the science of Numerology to predict the future and act accordingly (usually by the numbers). From what we can determine, using the ancient Book of Odds, in the near future, you will correctly choose winning LOTTO numbers. Unfortunately, the numbers you pick will randomly appear in future LOTTO drawings, rather than all together, in sequence, in one drawing. Sorry. But then again, we specialize in Horror-scopes.
Ron, great information but you missed my sign. I was born under LOTTO. It is a new sign created by the light bending distortions of Chinese air pollution. While it doesn’t lend itself well to soft generalities, it works great with numbers – especially those associated with the PowerBall.
You got any readings for us LOTTO’s?