Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Archive for February, 2014

Bad Boy’s Behavior Baffling


Norwegian 10-year-old drives off with second car in two weeks.

(Reuters) –

A 10-year-old Norwegian boy who took his parents’ car for a joyride last week, claiming he was a dwarf who forgot his driver’s license, has hit the road again.

This time he took off in the car of a relative the family was visiting and managed to drive about 30 km (19 miles) before stopping, local police said on Thursday.

When the parents realized what happened, they phoned police who sent out messages over Twitter and traffic radio asking the public for help. The boy eventually stopped and a bystander took his keys away, police said.

The boy caused a stir last week in Dokka, his hometown about 110 km north of Oslo, when he loaded his 18-month-old sister in the family car and drove off to visit their grandparents 60 km away, only to drive into a snowy ditch after 10 km.

Police had considered the case closed. But they were not so forgiving about the second incident and have reported the family to child services.

“Nobody was injured, but that was more due to luck than anything else,” Baard Christiansen, a spokesman for the Vest Oppland police, told Reuters. “The adults around the boy must take responsibility now before a tragedy occurs.

“It is scary and very sad that he is allowed to keep going on like this,” he said.

Found at: http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/02/20/us-norway-child-car-idUSBREA1J0JY20140220

Hmmm…

A kid ran off in a car,
The first time he didn’t get far,
He got stuck in the snow,
And the car wouldn’t go,
For driving he’s won’t get a star.

The second time “sis” was on board,
His parent’s warning was ignored,
He drove 30 km,
When he did it again,
His behavior sure isn’t adored.

His stealing is surely overt,
They are glad that no one was hurt,
He needs supervision,
Not a bad collision,
Or he won’t see his own growth spurt.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Wacky Waffle Woman


waffles
TAMPA, Fla., Feb. 24 (UPI) –

Apparently undercooked breakfast food is an emergency in at least one state.

According to a 911 call posted online by the Tampa Police Department, a Florida woman called the emergency number to report that she was served raw, uncooked waffles at a Village Inn in Tampa.

“They gave me some raw waffles,” the call begins “and I told him that I don’t want the waffles.”
She reported, “[The restaurant] sold me something that was uncooked, I’m already paying for the whole waffle that was already uncooked, so you want me to pay for the half of waffle too that ain’t uncooked,” the woman told the 911 operator.

She then told the operator that she wants the waffle charges taken off her bill.

According Tampa Police 911 call postings, about half of the 911 calls they receive aren’t emergencies.
“The dispatchers on the other end of the 911 line have a tough job waiting for the next emergency, but did you know that approximately 50% of the calls they receive on 911 aren’t emergencies?” the department wrote.

More@
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/24/Florida-woman-calls-911-about-raw-waffles/5051393269219/?spt=sec&or=on

Hmmm…

A woman called 911,
Most calls there aren’t much fun,
She hated her waffles,
She said they were awful,
They were completely undone.

She wanted police right away,
She thought it was not right to pay,
The waffles were raw,
They stuck in her craw,
They totally ruined her day.

The police did not come by,
To heed the poor woman’s cry,
It’s just not right,
There was no real plight,
Perhaps they thought she was high.


© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Feb 23, 2014


horoscope chart

Welcome back for another tasty treat from the many worlds beyond.

It’s funny how the planets, and other orbs in our solar system, can just smack us around at will.

But that’s the nature of nature I guess.

The monkeys have been high on chocolate all week. They got it on sale after Valentine’s Day

Anytime you mix monkeys with sugar and space, anything can happen. And it usually does.

As a result, their prognostications may sound a little weird, but then the monkeys are a little weird to begin with.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Aries at the moment and it wants to move on to bigger and better things. In the future, you will buy a book from a bookie called Blackie in a bookstore in Brooklyn.

Taurus… Neptune is square with Taurus at this time, but would rather be at an odd angle instead. You will have the uncontrollable urge to date a harpist. Don’t do it. Harpists are only out to pluck you.

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now, and the Gemini Twins are having trouble sleeping at night. You will soon become confused and only attempt to get milk products from a dromedary.

Cancer… The sun has been caught loitering in space by the space police. It will need an attorney. Speaking of which, you will meet a tort lawyer from Tortuga with a tortoise. It will be a trying and treacherous time. Maybe you should call Dennis Miller.

Leo… Saturn is in perigee but is confused because it thinks it should be in apogee. You will soon experience temporary hypertension, water retention, or a suspension. Enjoy.

Virgo… Venus is wants to be on the cusp of Virgo, but it’s caught in traffic and may be late. You will soon want to take a peek at antique teak.

Libra… Mars is tired of all the publicity it’s getting. The paparazzi is driving it crazy. On your next flight, you will be tempted to leave the aircraft and fix a broken cloud pattern.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio at the moment. It’s not sure how it got in that position. It thinks it should be square. You will soon discover that the upholstery on your couch has been mysteriously removed. You will then pray that your insurance will cover it.

Capricorn… You will breathe easy after writing a bestselling children’s’ book called, “Nebby The Nebulizer”.

Sagittarius… Mercury is putting on more sun blocker in preparation for another solar flare. A lot of worry will come your way soon, so be sure to make time for it.

Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at the moment and is confused about it. Soon, the world will call you, “mutton cheeks” for some unknown reason.

Pisces… Neptune wants to get to apogee, but has been slowed down due to an accident involving two asteroids. You will soon experience pandemonium over a pandering panda in Panama.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Burglar Bludgeoned by Brave Babes


Burglar gets after homeowner, daughter beat him with rolling pin, pan.

ALMONDBURY, England,

Feb. 20 (UPI) –

A British man was sentenced to 32 months in prison for a burglary during which he was beaten with a rolling pin and a pan by the homeowner and her daughter.

Adrian Gilroy, 29, pleaded guilty to breaking into the Almondbury home of Vena Lewis, 68, the Mirror reported.

Lewis was watching TV with her daughter, Tracy Dick, Sunday when they heard a noise in an upstairs bedroom.

The intruder tried to flee, but Lewis and Dick, armed with a rolling pin and a spaghetti pan, would not let him.

Dick hit Gilroy on the head with the pan while Lewis hit him across his legs with a rolling pin. They then pinned him to the floor and waited for police to arrive.

Acting Detective Inspector Ian Thornes commended the women’s bravery.

“It was a very brave effort by the two women. Both occupants are fit and well after their ordeal,” Thornes said. “However, we would issue cautionary advice about tackling intruders. Anyone who suspects they have an intruder in their house should ring 999 immediately.”

After the sentencing, Dick said: “I don’t feel like a hero and my body doesn’t feel like a hero. I was acting on instinct to protect my mother.”

Hmmm…

Two women were certainly brave,
The outcome could have been grave,
They captured a thief,
He suffered some grief,
It’s nothing that he would have craved.

The women went into quick action,
To their ultimate satisfaction,
They used a rolling pin,
Across his bony shins,
Falling was the guy’s reaction.

They then pinned him to the hard floor,
Then he could not steal anymore,
He was held for the cops,
They pulled out all the stops,
He didn’t know what was in store.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/20/Burglar-gets-after-homeowner-daughter-beat-him-with-rolling-pin-pan/UPI-87821392924946/#ixzz2tueevG00

Cute Colorful Creature Catch


gold fish

England –

Flood victim rescues goldfish found swimming down street.

Dave Pope rescued three goldfish with a teapot after seeing a “splash of orange” as he waded down a street in flood-hit Egham, Surrey.

After a week covering the misery and devastation of the flooding in southern England, this truly warmed my heart.

Dave Pope’s neighborhood is currently under so much water that there are goldfish swimming down the street. He’s probably got bigger things to worry about than their welfare.

But did he leave them to be drained away along with the rest of the deluge? Of course he didn’t. He grabbed the nearest teapot and whisked them to safety.

Found@
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/good-to-share/10647213/Flood-victim-rescues-goldfish-found-swimming-down-street.html

Hmmm…

A man did rescue three fish,
Saving them was his true wish,
Away from the drain,
Full of new rain,
They won’t be anyone’s dish.

Two of them are colored gold,
As the man’s story is told,
The other is white,
In the daylight,
He plucked them out of the cold.

A tea pot was then their new home,
Down ditches they wouldn’t then roam,
He saved all three lives,
The fishes survived,
Their fate in a sewer’s rushing foam.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: February 15th, 2013


horoscope chart

We here at Horror-scope Central hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day full of candy, flowers, champagne, and fine dining.

Perhaps one or more of you were presented with a diamond ring during a marriage proposal. If so, good luck with that, considering that your lives are overshadowed by weekly, horrorscopic predictions.

But don’t let that worry you.

Life is full of surprises. Things may even work out better than prognosticated.

Then again, maybe not.

Get ready. Here we go!

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is descending now after a day of flea scratching. You will become rich and famous for your ability to delve. Then lose it all to a vagabond.

Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a concert in space. You will satisfy your urge to eat nuts, only to be molested by a roving band of squirrels.

Gemini…The Earth is square with Gemini now after many years of being in debt. In the near future, you will meet someone perceptive, someone deceptive and someone receptive. It may even be the same person. Enjoy.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer at this time and, for some reason, is anxious to get past it. In the future, will soon encounter fake jade, a long, boring parade and foul tasting lemonade.

Leo… Venus is in perigee and is in anticipation of being in apogee. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb to be used (incorrectly) by Dennis Miller on his radio show.

Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo at the moment. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with a giant geode.

Libra… Saturn is rising and shining at the moment. You will awaken to find everyone at a televised, national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.

Scorpio… Jupiter is in alignment with Mars, and Venus at this moment. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.

Sagittarius… The sun is in perihelion at this time. This week your interests will lead you to someone diabolic, something hyperbolic, and an angry alcoholic.

Capricorn… Pluto is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Beware of a sneaky snooper, a pooper scooper, and something not so super.

Aquarius… Uranus is all excited because it’s going into business making urinals called Uranus’ Urinals. You should know that your cuticles are soon going to turn into uglicles.

Pisces… The Moon is full at the moment. It was just perfect for Valentine’s Day. It won’t be long until you’ll be trolling uncontrollably with a troll and/or a trollop on a trolley.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Day’s Decisions Determine Direction


VDay

Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day

WASHINGTON—

Confirming that it’s “all come down to this,” the nation’s girlfriends admitted Thursday that, despite anything they may have said or implied in the past, absolutely everything hinges on the outcome of this Valentine’s Day.

Describing the evening as “the indisputable make-or-break moment of our relationships,” the girlfriends explained that if Valentine’s Day fails, in any way, to live up to their standards, or if at any point they sense that not enough effort went into the occasion, then things are as good as over.

“Look, I’m gonna cut the crap here: I’ve basically funneled all my hopes for the future into this one night in which my boyfriend must achieve perfection, or else we’re through,” Virginia Beach area girlfriend Jenna Boyce, 27, told reporters, noting that she will be able to tell immediately if her boyfriend cheaps out on the flowers he has bought her or throws his gift together at the very last minute. “I expect an amazing, thoughtful, nearly flawless experience, one that is simultaneously fun and romantic, and a night I will remember for the rest of my life. Anything short of that, and I walk.”

“I know I’ve stated in the past that I believe Valentine’s Day is dumb and that it’s a commercial holiday and that it doesn’t matter to me, but I was lying,” Boyce added, in total concurrence with every other girlfriend in the country. “That was total baloney. I, in fact, care more about this than anything, by far.”

The nation’s girlfriends admitted to reporters, and to anyone who cared to know, that nothing their boyfriends have ever done for them in the past, including any and all good deeds previously rendered, will matter in the slightest if they don’t make tomorrow a day to remember.

The assembled women then confirmed that they expect the following things tomorrow, and they “don’t care” if these expectations make them appear either old-fashioned, demanding, or unrealistic: flowers; repeated romantic gestures and signs of physical affection; compliments; assorted gifts of an emotionally resonant nature; a dinner that is sufficiently high-end yet also warm and intimate; two to three fond recollections of the relationship’s origins; an outfit and attention to personal dress on the part of the boyfriend that shows he cares; extended eye contact; highly engaged conversation; no spared details; no mistakes; no jokes that in any way undermine the seriousness and romantic gravity of the evening; no mention of money or cost; and a minimum of 25 utterances of the word “love.”

“And if you don’t like it, that is too bad, because this is the attitude I am walking into tomorrow with and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to alter or subdue that attitude,” said Seattle area girlfriend Sonia Moreno, 31, noting that Valentine’s Day will be the sole metric she will use to gauge her boyfriend’s worth and romantic commitment. “That’s the reality. It’s all come down to this. And so, come tomorrow, I suppose myself and every girlfriend in America will find out for sure if their relationship has a future or not.”

The nation’s girlfriends also confirmed that if their boyfriends are able to go all out and make tomorrow truly special, then there is no reason why they couldn’t make a similar effort on every other day of the year too.

Found@
http://www.theonion.com/articles/nations-girlfriends-admit-absolutely-everything-ri,35270/

Hmmm…

There are expectations this day,
And the girls have the final say,
They want dinner and wine,
And it better be fine,
Or it could be the end of foreplay.

Men must be especially nice,
Giving them sugar and spice,
Girls want some nice jewelry,
And not some tom foolery,
Perhaps a ring frozen in ice.

This is the night of decision,
Men must show love with precision,
They must make the right move,
To get her in the groove,
They must plan it with love’s perfect vision.

So men get yourselves in gear,
For it only comes once a year,
Be nice and romantic,
Do not be pedantic,
Go forward without any fear.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Dumped Dough Discussion


EDINBURGH, Scotland, Feb. 12 (UPI)

Papa John’s pizza said company officials are probing a photo posted online of a Scottish recycling Dumpster overflowing with pizza dough.

The photo, depicting a recycling container in Edinburgh near a Papa John’s location, was posted to Twitter Tuesday by Ailsa Burn-Murdoch, who tweeted, “I have a feeling @PapaJohnsUK owe a local sanitation worker free pizza for a year,” the Scotsman reported Tuesday.

The Kentucky-based pizza chain said it is investigating the incident with the help of the Edinburgh store.

Found @:

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/12/Papa-Johns-probes-Scottish-Dumpster-dough-photo/UPI-42161392187052/#ixzz2t7I0jwWF

Hmmm…

A dumpster held Papa John’s dough,
So much that it overflowed,
The dumpster was full,
It’s true, it’s no bull,
Who put it there nobody knows.

They’re checking that situation,
Doing an investigation,
To find the poor Scott,
Or some stupid sot,
It’s causing PJs consternation.

A pic was attached to a Tweet,
The dough was not fit to eat,
It just sat there,
Swelling up in the air,
It’s a good thing the waste wasn’t meat.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: February 9th, 2013


horoscope chart

Welcome back to another serving of Your Horror-scope.

We’ve cut down on the portions a bit to help you lose the weight you swore you’d lose on New Year’s Day.

We hope that you will endure this week’s predictions with dignity and grace.

If not, well, what the hell. It’s your life. Do what you want with it.

But, we’d like those of you who have been calling us in the middle of the night (You know who you are) asking for advice, to stop.

That’s why we have the phone on the answering machine. Get the hint?

Oh, and we just got an unlisted number.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is descending now and is getting nauseous. You will have the urge to date a geometry teacher. Do not, unless you are willing to drive around in circles, and listen to every new angle that’s suggested.

Taurus… Neptune is in its fifth house showing it to prospective buyers. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde and wants out. You may want to, but don’t date a hosier salesperson. If you break up he/she could end up stalking you.

Cancer… Saturn is rising now after a long nap and it’s groggy. In the future, you will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words “toad face” in your daily greeting.

Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Leo at this time and is suffering an allergic reaction from it. In the future, getting a Trundle Bed will be a great idea, but don’t expect the Trundles to return for another sleep over after the last time.

Virgo… Mercury is square with Virgo now and is loving it. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay with a parrot, or Dennis Miller.

Libra… The Earth is trine with Libra now but wants to be in opposition for some reason. In the future, you will be correct in your thinking. True love can only be found by reverse osmosis.

Scorpio… Mars is square with Scorpio and is anxious about it. Be forewarned. You will have the urge, but you should not date, a mechanic, unless you are looking for a real motor mouth.

Sagittarius… Pluto is suffering from another flea attack. And is scratching up a storm. Soon you will be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing a polyester pantsuit in Pawtucket.

Capricorn… The Sun is square with Capricorn, but it wants to be trine. You better find those papers soon. This week you will be asked to prove your pedigree.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in opposition to Aquarius. Do you feel it? We do. Stay away from people who are precocious, preconscious, and too cautious.

Pisces… The Moon is hiding from bill collectors now. You will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Couple Consider Cabinet Conversations


Cabinet Couple
A Couple Never Dreamed They Would Be Able To Talk So Openly, And Honestly About Cabinets

SAN DIEGO—

Calling communication the cornerstone of their marriage, local couple Sam and Christina Garber confessed to reporters Thursday that they never dreamed they would one day be able to talk so openly and honestly about cabinets with each other.

The Garbers, who wed in 2006 and have two children, confirmed that early in their relationship it was difficult to have a constructive conversation about anything even remotely related to cabinetry, admitting that they lacked the closeness and trust to share their true feelings about wood materials, hardware, and custom accents.

“When we were newlyweds eight years ago, we could never have had an upfront and candid discussion about custom or stock-manufactured cabinets,” said Christina, 36, adding that the couple actively avoided touchy subjects such as durability, selection, and storage options. “These are not always easy conversations to have, but we’ve grown so much closer since learning to express our needs and desires for wall-hung cupboards.”

“Even if we don’t always see eye-to-eye on cabinets, it’s nice to know that we can talk through it,” continued Christina. “It’s remarkable that we now regularly communicate our feelings regarding corbels and beveled edges. I could hardly imagine that I’d ever be sharing that kind of bond with another person.”

Sam Garber acknowledged that until recently the mere mention of cabinet door styles caused him to emotionally shut down and withdraw from his wife. The 38-year-old, who would become terse and distant when the topic of raised or flat panels was broached, revealed that he didn’t feel comfortable letting his guard down and voicing his true preference for a cathedral profile.

“Looking back, I realize that I had a lot of insecurities and was afraid that my penchant for a decorative door panel made me less of a man,” said Sam, who reportedly no longer feels vulnerable about sharing his love of frosted glass inserts. “I guess I had some old-fashioned ideas. I just didn’t understand the importance of expressing your feelings about cabinets in a healthy way.”
Christina confirmed that she used to fear bringing up her dissatisfaction with crown molding to her husband, worrying that he would be unsupportive or reject her concerns. However, the mother of two told reporters that improving communication has helped the couple overcome intimacy barriers, and Sam has demonstrated that he is actually very open to trying braid, cyma, covetto, torus, ovolo, and keel molding.

The couple claimed that the frequency with which they explicitly discuss the merits of all-oak construction and split-rail paneling has allowed them to nurture their relationship and build a level of trust they never considered possible.

Though proud of how easily they exchange their thoughts on the appeal of traditional Piedmont detailing, the couple readily admits that they weren’t always so eager to address such an intimate topic with one another. Like most young couples, learning to communicate their feelings about shelving units was something they had to work on.

The Garbers’ inability to genuinely convey their feelings on toe-kicks led to strain in the relationship, as unfiltered criticisms and built-up resentment began to take their toll. Tension escalated to such a degree following the couple’s wedding that they sought the help of a licensed contractor.

“To be fair, I had my own personal baggage that I brought to the table when it came to cabinetry, and seeing a contractor together really honed in on the source of some of those issues,” said Christina, who described growing up in a cold, repressive home where laminate shelving and sculpted drawer fronts were never discussed. “But once we got past my whole thing with dovetail joinery, we were able to move forward and successfully pick out a proper pull knob.

“It’s not easy, but sharing thoughts on alternate kinds of finishes and glass accents keeps things exciting,” added Christina, glancing lovingly at her husband. “My only hope is that we can instill these values in our kids, so that they’ll be capable of someday connecting on that kind of level with someone too.”

Found@: The Onion
http://www.theonion.com/articles/couple-never-dreamed-they-would-be-able-to-talk-so,35191/

Hmmm…

A couple just couldn’t debate,
On cabinets and how they should rate,
On hardware and wood,
The bad and the good,
Some tension it sure did create.

At first they weren’t quite certain,
If they should pull back the curtain,
To talk of moldings,
And the pleasure It brings,
Their feelings were truly uncertain.

The subject was strictly taboo,
Though both of them knew what to do,
With storage and shelves,
Alone by themselves,
But they couldn’t discuss it as two.

They finally resolved their ordeal,
They now talk of drawer pulls of steel,
Their lives are first rate,
They communicate,
When they sit down to have a meal.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: