Wow. We’re into February already.
Time really flies when you’re having fun.
Then again, with this week’s predictions, you may not experience much fun.
Our team of crack celestial interpreters have come up with their best prognostications for the coming week.
You may be happy, you may be sad.
In any case, we’re glad to present them to you.
Aries… The Moon is rising now and is on the cusp with Aries. Soon you will find yourself in many colorful fields. Unfortunately, they will be electrical fields.
Taurus… Jupiter is descending and trine with Taurus. In the future, you will become the subject of myths.
Gemini… Venus is in perigee now. Beware and be cautious. Your enemies are planning to make you disappear in a heavy mist.
Cancer… The Earth is square with Cancer at the moment. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to discount you 100 percent.
Leo… Uranus is rising at this time. Sorry, but it’s true. You will soon be outsmarted by a smart phone, or Dennis Miller. It could go either way.
Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo at the moment. Be extra cautious now. Your enemies are planning to upload you somewhere.
Libra… Neptune is square with Libra now. You will be tempted to buy auto insurance to attract good karma.
Scorpio… Saturn is descending at this time. You should be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to suck the life out of you with a straw. Let’s hope they choose a large one. It will be less painful.
Sagittarius… Mercury is in its fifth house planning a Valentine’s Day party. In the near future, you will be accused of waffling while eating pancakes.
Capricorn… Pluto is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Stay alert and cautious. Your enemies are planning to turn you into a harpy.
Aquarius… The Sun is trine with Aquarius at this time. Have fun. You will soon meet a workaholic, or an alcoholic, or someone diabolic suffering from colic.
Pisces… Jupiter is square with Pisces now. Proceed with caution. Your enemies are planning to burnish your brain with steel wool. It will feel hot and weird.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.