Welcome back to another serving of Your Horror-scope.
We’ve cut down on the portions a bit to help you lose the weight you swore you’d lose on New Year’s Day.
We hope that you will endure this week’s predictions with dignity and grace.
If not, well, what the hell. It’s your life. Do what you want with it.
But, we’d like those of you who have been calling us in the middle of the night (You know who you are) asking for advice, to stop.
That’s why we have the phone on the answering machine. Get the hint?
Oh, and we just got an unlisted number.
Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!
Aries… Uranus is descending now and is getting nauseous. You will have the urge to date a geometry teacher. Do not, unless you are willing to drive around in circles, and listen to every new angle that’s suggested.
Taurus… Neptune is in its fifth house showing it to prospective buyers. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.
Gemini… Mars is in retrograde and wants out. You may want to, but don’t date a hosier salesperson. If you break up he/she could end up stalking you.
Cancer… Saturn is rising now after a long nap and it’s groggy. In the future, you will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words “toad face” in your daily greeting.
Leo… Venus is on the cusp of Leo at this time and is suffering an allergic reaction from it. In the future, getting a Trundle Bed will be a great idea, but don’t expect the Trundles to return for another sleep over after the last time.
Virgo… Mercury is square with Virgo now and is loving it. You will discover a paradox while parasailing in Paraguay with a parrot, or Dennis Miller.
Libra… The Earth is trine with Libra now but wants to be in opposition for some reason. In the future, you will be correct in your thinking. True love can only be found by reverse osmosis.
Scorpio… Mars is square with Scorpio and is anxious about it. Be forewarned. You will have the urge, but you should not date, a mechanic, unless you are looking for a real motor mouth.
Sagittarius… Pluto is suffering from another flea attack. And is scratching up a storm. Soon you will be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing a polyester pantsuit in Pawtucket.
Capricorn… The Sun is square with Capricorn, but it wants to be trine. You better find those papers soon. This week you will be asked to prove your pedigree.
Aquarius… Jupiter is in opposition to Aquarius. Do you feel it? We do. Stay away from people who are precocious, preconscious, and too cautious.
Pisces… The Moon is hiding from bill collectors now. You will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.