Nation’s Girlfriends Admit Absolutely Everything Riding On Valentine’s Day
Confirming that it’s “all come down to this,” the nation’s girlfriends admitted Thursday that, despite anything they may have said or implied in the past, absolutely everything hinges on the outcome of this Valentine’s Day.
Describing the evening as “the indisputable make-or-break moment of our relationships,” the girlfriends explained that if Valentine’s Day fails, in any way, to live up to their standards, or if at any point they sense that not enough effort went into the occasion, then things are as good as over.
“Look, I’m gonna cut the crap here: I’ve basically funneled all my hopes for the future into this one night in which my boyfriend must achieve perfection, or else we’re through,” Virginia Beach area girlfriend Jenna Boyce, 27, told reporters, noting that she will be able to tell immediately if her boyfriend cheaps out on the flowers he has bought her or throws his gift together at the very last minute. “I expect an amazing, thoughtful, nearly flawless experience, one that is simultaneously fun and romantic, and a night I will remember for the rest of my life. Anything short of that, and I walk.”
“I know I’ve stated in the past that I believe Valentine’s Day is dumb and that it’s a commercial holiday and that it doesn’t matter to me, but I was lying,” Boyce added, in total concurrence with every other girlfriend in the country. “That was total baloney. I, in fact, care more about this than anything, by far.”
The nation’s girlfriends admitted to reporters, and to anyone who cared to know, that nothing their boyfriends have ever done for them in the past, including any and all good deeds previously rendered, will matter in the slightest if they don’t make tomorrow a day to remember.
The assembled women then confirmed that they expect the following things tomorrow, and they “don’t care” if these expectations make them appear either old-fashioned, demanding, or unrealistic: flowers; repeated romantic gestures and signs of physical affection; compliments; assorted gifts of an emotionally resonant nature; a dinner that is sufficiently high-end yet also warm and intimate; two to three fond recollections of the relationship’s origins; an outfit and attention to personal dress on the part of the boyfriend that shows he cares; extended eye contact; highly engaged conversation; no spared details; no mistakes; no jokes that in any way undermine the seriousness and romantic gravity of the evening; no mention of money or cost; and a minimum of 25 utterances of the word “love.”
“And if you don’t like it, that is too bad, because this is the attitude I am walking into tomorrow with and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to alter or subdue that attitude,” said Seattle area girlfriend Sonia Moreno, 31, noting that Valentine’s Day will be the sole metric she will use to gauge her boyfriend’s worth and romantic commitment. “That’s the reality. It’s all come down to this. And so, come tomorrow, I suppose myself and every girlfriend in America will find out for sure if their relationship has a future or not.”
The nation’s girlfriends also confirmed that if their boyfriends are able to go all out and make tomorrow truly special, then there is no reason why they couldn’t make a similar effort on every other day of the year too.
There are expectations this day,
And the girls have the final say,
They want dinner and wine,
And it better be fine,
Or it could be the end of foreplay.
Men must be especially nice,
Giving them sugar and spice,
Girls want some nice jewelry,
And not some tom foolery,
Perhaps a ring frozen in ice.
This is the night of decision,
Men must show love with precision,
They must make the right move,
To get her in the groove,
They must plan it with love’s perfect vision.
So men get yourselves in gear,
For it only comes once a year,
Be nice and romantic,
Do not be pedantic,
Go forward without any fear.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
Comments on: "Day’s Decisions Determine Direction" (7)
Thanks again. Be safe.
I sure will. I’m a little sporadic (traveling), but I have you as one of my favorites. 🙂
Thanks for the comment. It was a record breaker. I really appreciate your honesty and the information. I presented my wife with flowers at her office for Valentine’s Day. The women there made lots of unflattering comments about their partners not doing the same. Please keep posted for more Humorous Interludes.
You’re not alone in that regard. It’s basically a commercializing attempt by businesses to make loads of money, and they do. You can show your appreciation to anyone you love any time of the year.
Oh! And, for the record, I hate Valentine’s Day. It makes single people feel bad, and puts ridiculous pressure on people to do stuff and compete with others. It should be what it is all year long.
I feel the same about the “3 months salary” gauge for an engagement/wedding ring. Absolutely created by jewelry stores, but that’s a lot of dough!
Give them the 1 carat ring when you’ve been through 20+ years together without killing each other. THAT deserves a ring.
Hello, again – Oh, my. I think I laughed out loud on this one, but it’s a grand slam.
As you very well know, the one thing women want to do? Impress other women.
Warning: do NOT brag about your hot guy/lover/man/husband at work unless you KNOW (or you tell him) he has to send you flowers at work. To put on your desk. For them to die. But that is not the point. It’s because the other women at work will continue to respect you.
The men at work? What?! Are those flowers for YOU?! I didn’t even notice them ’til you pointed them out. Yeah (rolls eyes), I guess they’re ok. *sigh* (said man is then reminded HE has to do something if he’s with someone)
Exception: If your cubicle and/or desk and/or office is too small to hold a bouquet of flowers, you are off the hook. Men: find out what size your lady’s desk is at work. (This is true. At one job, my husband and his co-workers’ desks were so small that the only thing that would fit on it were one drink, and a pad of paper and pen – like maybe a foot wide after you have the PC and monitor there.)
I had a co-worker who had to buy herself flowers and send them to herself at work so as to avoid this female embarrassment.
I will open the girl vault to help out these guys: (courtesy of Patti Stanger, one smart lady)
Gifts for chicks (and what they mean):
Just started dating? a bracelet
Been dating a while? earrings
Been dating and only each other? necklace + more
Engaged/Married? a ring (or, all the above) + a LOT more (Re: “More” – get your mind out of the gutter…:) the things that count – I’m thinking taking out the trash, vacuuming, walking the dog, bringing you soup when you’re sick)