We here at Horror-scope Central hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day full of candy, flowers, champagne, and fine dining.
Perhaps one or more of you were presented with a diamond ring during a marriage proposal. If so, good luck with that, considering that your lives are overshadowed by weekly, horrorscopic predictions.
But don’t let that worry you.
Life is full of surprises. Things may even work out better than prognosticated.
Then again, maybe not.
Get ready. Here we go!
Aries… Pluto is descending now after a day of flea scratching. You will become rich and famous for your ability to delve. Then lose it all to a vagabond.
Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a concert in space. You will satisfy your urge to eat nuts, only to be molested by a roving band of squirrels.
Gemini…The Earth is square with Gemini now after many years of being in debt. In the near future, you will meet someone perceptive, someone deceptive and someone receptive. It may even be the same person. Enjoy.
Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer at this time and, for some reason, is anxious to get past it. In the future, will soon encounter fake jade, a long, boring parade and foul tasting lemonade.
Leo… Venus is in perigee and is in anticipation of being in apogee. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb to be used (incorrectly) by Dennis Miller on his radio show.
Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo at the moment. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with a giant geode.
Libra… Saturn is rising and shining at the moment. You will awaken to find everyone at a televised, national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.
Scorpio… Jupiter is in alignment with Mars, and Venus at this moment. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.
Sagittarius… The sun is in perihelion at this time. This week your interests will lead you to someone diabolic, something hyperbolic, and an angry alcoholic.
Capricorn… Pluto is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Beware of a sneaky snooper, a pooper scooper, and something not so super.
Aquarius… Uranus is all excited because it’s going into business making urinals called Uranus’ Urinals. You should know that your cuticles are soon going to turn into uglicles.
Pisces… The Moon is full at the moment. It was just perfect for Valentine’s Day. It won’t be long until you’ll be trolling uncontrollably with a troll and/or a trollop on a trolley.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.