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horoscope chart

Welcome back for another tasty treat from the many worlds beyond.

It’s funny how the planets, and other orbs in our solar system, can just smack us around at will.

But that’s the nature of nature I guess.

The monkeys have been high on chocolate all week. They got it on sale after Valentine’s Day

Anytime you mix monkeys with sugar and space, anything can happen. And it usually does.

As a result, their prognostications may sound a little weird, but then the monkeys are a little weird to begin with.


Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Aries at the moment and it wants to move on to bigger and better things. In the future, you will buy a book from a bookie called Blackie in a bookstore in Brooklyn.

Taurus… Neptune is square with Taurus at this time, but would rather be at an odd angle instead. You will have the uncontrollable urge to date a harpist. Don’t do it. Harpists are only out to pluck you.

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now, and the Gemini Twins are having trouble sleeping at night. You will soon become confused and only attempt to get milk products from a dromedary.

Cancer… The sun has been caught loitering in space by the space police. It will need an attorney. Speaking of which, you will meet a tort lawyer from Tortuga with a tortoise. It will be a trying and treacherous time. Maybe you should call Dennis Miller.

Leo… Saturn is in perigee but is confused because it thinks it should be in apogee. You will soon experience temporary hypertension, water retention, or a suspension. Enjoy.

Virgo… Venus is wants to be on the cusp of Virgo, but it’s caught in traffic and may be late. You will soon want to take a peek at antique teak.

Libra… Mars is tired of all the publicity it’s getting. The paparazzi is driving it crazy. On your next flight, you will be tempted to leave the aircraft and fix a broken cloud pattern.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio at the moment. It’s not sure how it got in that position. It thinks it should be square. You will soon discover that the upholstery on your couch has been mysteriously removed. You will then pray that your insurance will cover it.

Capricorn… You will breathe easy after writing a bestselling children’s’ book called, “Nebby The Nebulizer”.

Sagittarius… Mercury is putting on more sun blocker in preparation for another solar flare. A lot of worry will come your way soon, so be sure to make time for it.

Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at the moment and is confused about it. Soon, the world will call you, “mutton cheeks” for some unknown reason.

Pisces… Neptune wants to get to apogee, but has been slowed down due to an accident involving two asteroids. You will soon experience pandemonium over a pandering panda in Panama.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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