Hello fellow Horror-scope followers.
I see you are back for another weekly reading compliments of Horror-scope Central.
Our crack staff has compiled its latest readings of the celestial sphere to provide you with the best worst prognostications available anywhere.
We hope you don’t suffer too much.
If you do, just remember we are here to support you in your hour of need, or not.
Aries… Soon, you will seek the advice of a balloon artist, then you will come to blows with him.
Taurus… You will soon meet someone named Buster who will fluster you with a floozy from Flushing.
Gemini… You will soon have a tendency to be tentative.
Cancer… In the near future, you will leave everything behind. You will go to Africa and join a diatribe.
Leo… In the future, you will have the urge to buy a seeing eye dog for some Venetian Blinds.
Virgo… In the not too distant future, you will gain fame and fortune for your cookbook called, “Cooking With Cuckoos”.
Libra… In the future, your design for clothing made of vegetable matter will be a success, however your customers will be molested by roving bands of vegans.
Scorpio… You will soon be vulgar on the Volga while reciting Voltaire.
Sagittarius… Soon you will be accused of improper verbiage by a Virgo.
Capricorn… You will soon have the urge to incinerate anyone who Insinuates.
Aquarius… You will soon suffer from nighttime glare in the cold nighttime air or a scare from Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Soon, you will cook over a campfire in Cucamonga. Hopefully, the police will rescue you before you get too tender.
Pisces… In the not too distant future, a mutant from Munich will mute you.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved