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Archive for April, 2014

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 27th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hi there, fellow Horror-Scope aficionados.

Here is your weekly dose of prognostication perfection.

As usual, it’s got some good news, and some bad news.

We suggest you focus on the good, if you can find it.

In the mean time, stay away from all sticky substances this week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in perigee at the moment and on the cusp of Aries. In the future, you will be enchanting with your chanting of a Carol Channing song.

Taurus… Saturn is rising now and square with Taurus. Soon you will have trouble with a lease, the police, and some hot grease.

Gemini… Pluto is suing some government officials over a dog license. Get out the rosin. You will soon yodel while eating yogurt with Yo-Yo Ma, and Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The moon is becoming new again after a make-over. You will gain fame and fortune when you write a bestselling book called, “The Fat Lip Diet”.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house for a poker game. In the future you will write an abstract about abstract art while abstaining from artifacts.

Virgo… The Sun is warming up to the moon in hopes for a date. You will not lose much weight if you plan on dieting on diopters.

Libra… The Earth is on the cusp of Libra at the moment. You will soon be harassed by a roving gang of silly cilantro.

Scorpio… Venus is descending and is square with Scorpio. You will be offered a position at a cemetery when someone notices your constant use of the phrase, “I dig it, man.”

Sagittarius… Mars is ready to sue the Earth for invasion of privacy. Beware and be forewarned. Your phaser will jam up just when you need it most.

Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house checking for loose change lost in the couch and stuffed chairs. Your idea for a theme park based on Yellow Duckies is cute, but it won’t float.

Aquarius… Pluto is trine with Aquarius at this moment. In the future, you will suddenly develop a bad drinking habit which will upset your camel.

Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars for some shenanigans. Get ready to tweet. You will awaken to find yourself in a large bowl of bird’s nest soup.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Touchy Twitter Trial


NYPD Twitter Campaign Turns Ugly

A New York Police Department campaign to engage people on Twitter via the #myNYPD hashtag backfired in a big way.

The New York Police Department learned a hard lesson this week — be careful what you ask for. Especially when dealing with a public forum like Twitter.

The trouble started at around 2 p.m. ET Tuesday, when the department took to its official Twitter account to launch a little contest intended to engage the public on social media. “Do you have a photo w/ a member of the NYPD? Tweet us & tag it #myNYPD. It may be featured on our Facebook,” the department tweeted.

They were probably expecting a few good-natured snaps showcasing New York’s Finest in action. But things didn’t exactly go as planned.

It started out innocent enough, of course. Some users posted nice photos of themselves with officers.

But when the #myNYPD hashtag went viral, thousands of others took it as an opportunity to expose police aggression by sharing embarrassing and unflattering photos of New York City officers fighting with members of the public.

One heavily retweeted photo posted by an Occupy Wall Street supporter shows a police officer pointing his gun at a dog a homeless man lies on the ground having a seizure. Others show police officers holding people to the ground, pulling hair, punching, and sleeping on the subway.

The embarrassment comes as the NYPD works to ramp up its efforts on Twitter. Just last week, five officers were given the go-ahead to begin tweeting news about their precincts.

NYPD spokesman Stephen Davis told The New York Times that the snafu would not deter the department from engaging with citizens through social media in the future.

“You take the good with the bad,” he said.

Found @: http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2456989,00.asp

Hmmm…

NYP wanted some Tweets,
From homes and from the streets,
They stood for pics on their beats,
But they suffered some defeats.

People Tweeted police being rude,
Cops with bad attitudes,
One was seen punching a dude,
Showing behavior that’s crude.

Others showed cops at their best,
Taking photos at their request,
Showing badges on their proud chests,
Smiling and talking in jests.

Cops are not basically mean,
Or totally cruel and obscene,
When they arrive on the scene,
If you know what I mean.

They’re there to protect each one,
When threatened by a knife or a gun,
From bad guys they will not run,
They work ’till their job is done.

So when you see a cop,
Outside a store or shop,
It will not hurt to stop,
They might be a mom or pop.

They’re people just like you,
With a hard job to do,
Dressed in NYPD blues,
They’re heroes through and through!

God bless them one and all,
When they are on a call,
Not one of them should fall,
While they stand proud and tall.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Casinos Cultivate Catastrophe


Casino

Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed

LAS VEGAS—

Calling the practice a proven method for keeping players engaged, several Nevada casinos confirmed this week they often tell patrons that the rest of civilization has been obliterated in a worldwide catastrophic event and that the gambling facilities contain the last vestiges of humanity left on earth.

“Whenever our security cameras spot someone empty their last cup of quarters or walk away from a gaming table, we send an employee over to inform them that society as we know it no longer exists and that the world beyond our lobby is an uninhabitable wasteland,” Luxor general manager Paul Milton said, adding that they typically soften the blow by offering customers a complimentary drink or free tickets to see Criss Angel.

“It’s surprising how quickly most people will return to the casino floor once they’ve been told that everyone they’ve ever cared about has been vaporized in an inescapable cataclysm and that our walls are their only shield against deadly radiation.
In fact, for the slots players, you can barely get two words out about humankind’s downfall before they’ve turned around and started hurrying back to the machines.”
For less compliant patrons, Milton added that the casino will typically throw in a free night in its hotel while they decide if they want to stay and gamble or venture out and take their chances with The Horde.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/casinos-getting-people-to-play-longer-by-telling-t,35848/

Hmmm…

The casinos want people to stay,
And continue to gamble and play,
An air of concern is displayed,
Gambling should not be delayed.

The world is full of radiation,
It covers every nation,
In very large gradations,
Above all expectations.

The gamblers quickly comply,
Cause they do not want to die,
Escape? They don’t even try,
They just believe the big lie.

They go on spending their cash,
Even the cash from their stash,
Not one tries to dash,
It’s one big gambling bash.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 20th, 2014


horoscope chart

Here we go again folks.

As we whirl through space, the effects of the Celestial Sphere are aimed right at you.

Please don’t be saddened or discouraged.

Things may be better next week, or not.

Some of you may even make a little cash in the near future.

Good luck.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is rising and is in opposition to Aries. After many months of research, you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Unctions”.

Taurus…Pluto is descending, and on the cusp of Taurus. You will be ostracized by friends, family, and co-workers when you speak to others using only prepositions.

Gemini… The Earth is trine and fine with Gemini now. Have your trunk ready. Soon you will pack for a pachyderm in Pakistan.

Cancer… Mercury is hotter than ever now. Your ear canals will be surprised when two fully loaded barges try to enter.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house hiding out from some bill collectors. Carry a first aid kit at all times. Your enemies are planning to drop ship you.

Virgo… Saturn is in its second house talking to some renters about mowing the lawn. Get out the Murphy’s Oil soap. You will soon experience a waxy buildup on your body.

Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra right now. A new relationship will have its ups and downs when you date a yoyo, or Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… The Sun is square with Scorpio and on its cusp. Pucker up friends. You will soon buy some rhubarb from a barber near the Barbary Coast.

Capricorn… Uranus is falling at the moment. This could be dangerous. Soon your life will be hectic, involving an antiseptic.

Sagittarius… The Moon is square with Sagittarius at this time. Soon, you will cook over a campfire in Cucamonga. Hopefully, the police will rescue you before you get too tender.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its eight house polishing the silverware. Get ready for this, if that’s even possible. You will soon be rectified, modified, and/or justified.

Pisces… Saturn is square with Pisces at the moment, but wishes it was trine. Your enemies are plotting to take your blood pressure…and not return it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 13th, 2014


horoscope chart

Good day sunshine.

The Earth says, “Hello”.

It also wants the twenty dollars you borrowed from it three weeks ago.

It’s time for another week of non-profit prognostications from your friends at Horror-Scope Central.

Things are a bit more settled down this week, after an accumulation of allergic aberrations.

Hopefully this week’s predictions will be more tolerable, or not.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mercury is square and descending at the moment. It’s almost too much to handle. We hope your Karate skills are sharp. Soon you will be attacked by a hack in Hackensack.

Taurus…The Sun is trine with Taurus and is uncomfortable about it. Make sure you have a current passport. In the near future, you will be very busy. You will eat Yoplait then yodel while spinning a yoyo in Yokohama.

Gemini… The Moon is on the cusp of Gemini now. You poor dear. Soon you will become a deer in the headlights of life.

Cancer… Uranus is upset after losing money in the US Stock Market. Be cautious at this time. Your enemies are plotting against you. They plan to conceal you in a confinement center with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Jupiter is in apogee now and is loving it. We see a throne in your future. You will soon have an argument with your colon. It will win out in the end.

Virgo… Neptune is rising after a short nap. We’re certainly not lying when we say; soon you will write a bestseller called, “Vying For Viaducts and Violins”.

Libra… The Earth is in its fifth house spraying for pesky bugs. Get ready for this if you can. You will soon portend, pretend, and extend yourself.

Scorpio… Mars is square with the cusp of Scorpio. You will soon become the center of attention when you write a bestseller called, “Fun With Funnels”.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in its second house looking for loose change for the Laundromat. This may be a stretch, but soon you’ll yearn to build a home out of yarn. We think the address will be knit one, pearl two, Wool Street.

Capricorn… Pluto is in conjunction with Capricorn and isn’t too sure what to do about it. You will soon give your autograph to someone. They will run off with it. Later the police will call you and tell you they found it in a dumpster.

Aquarius… Venus is upset with Mars over some unpaid debts and for some unknown reason, wants to take it out on Aquarians. In the future, you will become famous for you recipe for Machu Picchu pea soup, but you will then be sued when it produces botulism.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house, and trine with Pisces now. You will star in your own food Network TV show called, “Cooking With Ambiguity”.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: April 6th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hello, fellow space travelers.

Perhaps you noticed a giant sneeze emanating from space this week.

It doesn’t matter if you didn’t hear it.

We did, but it’s our job to watch for events like that in the Celestial Sphere.

Our team of crack analysts quickly determined the cause.

It’s allergy season in space, and just like some of us, the planets and orbs which influence our lives, suffer from the pains and discomfort of allergies.

Of course, their situations directly affect us here on Earth, as you will see.

Enjoy, and grab a box of tissues.

Aries… The Sun has just produced another giant flare as an allergic response to gamma rays. Soon you will see that in the blink of an eye, will suddenly become allergic to your eye lids.

Taurus… The Moon is in crescent, and crusty from an eye allergy. You will soon be shocked to discover that your allergies will soon include contact with electric eels.

Gemini… Pluto is itchy from flea bites again. Here’s the latest buzz. Soon you will break out in hives when you see a honey bee.

Cancer… Neptune just discovered it’s allergic to space dust. Get out the Benadryl. You will soon scratch yourself to exhaustion when pesky pollen penetrates your pores, or when you listen to the Dennis Miller radio show.

Leo… Venus has been diagnosed with an allergy to ion radiation. Stay calm and don’t get over excited. You will soon lose sleep from itchiness after you lie in a bed of rag weed.

Virgo… Saturn is whining over an allergy related to black holes. When you need it most, you will soon discover that your EpiPen cannot be used for correspondence.

Libra… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. Get out the heavy weaponry. Call out the National Guard. You will suddenly experience an asthma attack.

Scorpio… Mercury is suffering from nausea due to solar radiation. You may want to look hip, but you will soon realize that a wasp sting is in no way, bling.

Sagittarius… The Earth has runny eyes from the sulfur spewing out of all those active volcanoes. Soon, you’ll be better off fasting. Your allergies to food will cause a bad mood and will make you rude, with a rotten attitude.

Capricorn… Jupiter is having asthma problems from something floating in the solar wind. Soon, you will suddenly develop an allergy to cologne made in Cologne. It will turn you into stone.

Aquarius… Uranus is having a bad time with its allergy to meteorites. In the near future, you will become allergic to cat hairs, grizzly bears, fox lairs, and things in pairs.

Pisces… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. We feel bad for you. Soon, it will be a dirty shame when you discover you are allergic to water.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Mayor Mistakenly Mourns Man


SEATTLE –

The Seattle mayor’s office apologized for a news release mourning the death of a community advocate who turned out to be alive and well.

Mayor Ed Murray’s press secretary, Rosalind Brazel, emailed a news release Thursday featuring the mayor’s comments on the death of Jim Diers, a “former Seattle Department of Neighborhoods Director and community advocate,” KIRO-TV, Seattle, reported Friday.

“I’m very saddened by the death of Jim Diers,” the news release quoted the mayor as saying. “He was an innovator in bringing communities together and made a significant contribution to the foundation that makes Seattle special. His work with neighborhoods was passionate and progressive. His service to this city was unmeasurable. My thoughts go out to the Diers family. He will be missed.”

However, Brazel sent out a second email 29 minutes later with “CORRECTION” written in the subject line.
“The Mayor’s office was mistakenly informed of the death of Jim Diers,” Brazel wrote. “He is alive and well.”

Read more @ http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/28/Seattle-mayor-mourns-still-living-community-leader/UPI-81541393612606/#ixzz2ulFVKXUp

Hmmm…

A Mayor said a man was dead,
That is what the press release said,
The news story then quickly spread,
But the guy was alive instead.

The Mayor said the man would be missed,
His accomplishments made a large list,
But the story had a Hitchcock twist,
The great man did not cease to exist.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/28/Seattle-mayor-mourns-still-living-community-leader/UPI-81541393612606/#ixzz2ulFVKXUp

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