Hello, fellow space travelers.
Perhaps you noticed a giant sneeze emanating from space this week.
It doesn’t matter if you didn’t hear it.
We did, but it’s our job to watch for events like that in the Celestial Sphere.
Our team of crack analysts quickly determined the cause.
It’s allergy season in space, and just like some of us, the planets and orbs which influence our lives, suffer from the pains and discomfort of allergies.
Of course, their situations directly affect us here on Earth, as you will see.
Enjoy, and grab a box of tissues.
Aries… The Sun has just produced another giant flare as an allergic response to gamma rays. Soon you will see that in the blink of an eye, will suddenly become allergic to your eye lids.
Taurus… The Moon is in crescent, and crusty from an eye allergy. You will soon be shocked to discover that your allergies will soon include contact with electric eels.
Gemini… Pluto is itchy from flea bites again. Here’s the latest buzz. Soon you will break out in hives when you see a honey bee.
Cancer… Neptune just discovered it’s allergic to space dust. Get out the Benadryl. You will soon scratch yourself to exhaustion when pesky pollen penetrates your pores, or when you listen to the Dennis Miller radio show.
Leo… Venus has been diagnosed with an allergy to ion radiation. Stay calm and don’t get over excited. You will soon lose sleep from itchiness after you lie in a bed of rag weed.
Virgo… Saturn is whining over an allergy related to black holes. When you need it most, you will soon discover that your EpiPen cannot be used for correspondence.
Libra… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. Get out the heavy weaponry. Call out the National Guard. You will suddenly experience an asthma attack.
Scorpio… Mercury is suffering from nausea due to solar radiation. You may want to look hip, but you will soon realize that a wasp sting is in no way, bling.
Sagittarius… The Earth has runny eyes from the sulfur spewing out of all those active volcanoes. Soon, you’ll be better off fasting. Your allergies to food will cause a bad mood and will make you rude, with a rotten attitude.
Capricorn… Jupiter is having asthma problems from something floating in the solar wind. Soon, you will suddenly develop an allergy to cologne made in Cologne. It will turn you into stone.
Aquarius… Uranus is having a bad time with its allergy to meteorites. In the near future, you will become allergic to cat hairs, grizzly bears, fox lairs, and things in pairs.
Pisces… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. We feel bad for you. Soon, it will be a dirty shame when you discover you are allergic to water.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved