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horoscope chart

Good day sunshine.

The Earth says, “Hello”.

It also wants the twenty dollars you borrowed from it three weeks ago.

It’s time for another week of non-profit prognostications from your friends at Horror-Scope Central.

Things are a bit more settled down this week, after an accumulation of allergic aberrations.

Hopefully this week’s predictions will be more tolerable, or not.


Aries… Mercury is square and descending at the moment. It’s almost too much to handle. We hope your Karate skills are sharp. Soon you will be attacked by a hack in Hackensack.

Taurus…The Sun is trine with Taurus and is uncomfortable about it. Make sure you have a current passport. In the near future, you will be very busy. You will eat Yoplait then yodel while spinning a yoyo in Yokohama.

Gemini… The Moon is on the cusp of Gemini now. You poor dear. Soon you will become a deer in the headlights of life.

Cancer… Uranus is upset after losing money in the US Stock Market. Be cautious at this time. Your enemies are plotting against you. They plan to conceal you in a confinement center with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Jupiter is in apogee now and is loving it. We see a throne in your future. You will soon have an argument with your colon. It will win out in the end.

Virgo… Neptune is rising after a short nap. We’re certainly not lying when we say; soon you will write a bestseller called, “Vying For Viaducts and Violins”.

Libra… The Earth is in its fifth house spraying for pesky bugs. Get ready for this if you can. You will soon portend, pretend, and extend yourself.

Scorpio… Mars is square with the cusp of Scorpio. You will soon become the center of attention when you write a bestseller called, “Fun With Funnels”.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in its second house looking for loose change for the Laundromat. This may be a stretch, but soon you’ll yearn to build a home out of yarn. We think the address will be knit one, pearl two, Wool Street.

Capricorn… Pluto is in conjunction with Capricorn and isn’t too sure what to do about it. You will soon give your autograph to someone. They will run off with it. Later the police will call you and tell you they found it in a dumpster.

Aquarius… Venus is upset with Mars over some unpaid debts and for some unknown reason, wants to take it out on Aquarians. In the future, you will become famous for you recipe for Machu Picchu pea soup, but you will then be sued when it produces botulism.

Pisces… The Earth is in its fifth house, and trine with Pisces now. You will star in your own food Network TV show called, “Cooking With Ambiguity”.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 13th, 2014" (4)

  1. Thank you. I will do that. Hope all is well with you and yours.

  2. I nominated you for The Sunshine Award. Check out my 4.17 post for details.

  3. They want to but Uranus wants to get something new to wear first.

  4. Uranus and Saturn should make a “conjunction” 😛

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