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horoscope chart

Here we go again folks.

As we whirl through space, the effects of the Celestial Sphere are aimed right at you.

Please don’t be saddened or discouraged.

Things may be better next week, or not.

Some of you may even make a little cash in the near future.

Good luck.


Aries… Venus is rising and is in opposition to Aries. After many months of research, you will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Unctions”.

Taurus…Pluto is descending, and on the cusp of Taurus. You will be ostracized by friends, family, and co-workers when you speak to others using only prepositions.

Gemini… The Earth is trine and fine with Gemini now. Have your trunk ready. Soon you will pack for a pachyderm in Pakistan.

Cancer… Mercury is hotter than ever now. Your ear canals will be surprised when two fully loaded barges try to enter.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house hiding out from some bill collectors. Carry a first aid kit at all times. Your enemies are planning to drop ship you.

Virgo… Saturn is in its second house talking to some renters about mowing the lawn. Get out the Murphy’s Oil soap. You will soon experience a waxy buildup on your body.

Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra right now. A new relationship will have its ups and downs when you date a yoyo, or Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… The Sun is square with Scorpio and on its cusp. Pucker up friends. You will soon buy some rhubarb from a barber near the Barbary Coast.

Capricorn… Uranus is falling at the moment. This could be dangerous. Soon your life will be hectic, involving an antiseptic.

Sagittarius… The Moon is square with Sagittarius at this time. Soon, you will cook over a campfire in Cucamonga. Hopefully, the police will rescue you before you get too tender.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its eight house polishing the silverware. Get ready for this, if that’s even possible. You will soon be rectified, modified, and/or justified.

Pisces… Saturn is square with Pisces at the moment, but wishes it was trine. Your enemies are plotting to take your blood pressure…and not return it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 20th, 2014" (2)

  1. Too hot for me.

  2. The sun is square – eight hot spots?

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