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horoscope chart

Hi there, fellow Horror-Scope aficionados.

Here is your weekly dose of prognostication perfection.

As usual, it’s got some good news, and some bad news.

We suggest you focus on the good, if you can find it.

In the mean time, stay away from all sticky substances this week.


Aries… Uranus is in perigee at the moment and on the cusp of Aries. In the future, you will be enchanting with your chanting of a Carol Channing song.

Taurus… Saturn is rising now and square with Taurus. Soon you will have trouble with a lease, the police, and some hot grease.

Gemini… Pluto is suing some government officials over a dog license. Get out the rosin. You will soon yodel while eating yogurt with Yo-Yo Ma, and Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The moon is becoming new again after a make-over. You will gain fame and fortune when you write a bestselling book called, “The Fat Lip Diet”.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house for a poker game. In the future you will write an abstract about abstract art while abstaining from artifacts.

Virgo… The Sun is warming up to the moon in hopes for a date. You will not lose much weight if you plan on dieting on diopters.

Libra… The Earth is on the cusp of Libra at the moment. You will soon be harassed by a roving gang of silly cilantro.

Scorpio… Venus is descending and is square with Scorpio. You will be offered a position at a cemetery when someone notices your constant use of the phrase, “I dig it, man.”

Sagittarius… Mars is ready to sue the Earth for invasion of privacy. Beware and be forewarned. Your phaser will jam up just when you need it most.

Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house checking for loose change lost in the couch and stuffed chairs. Your idea for a theme park based on Yellow Duckies is cute, but it won’t float.

Aquarius… Pluto is trine with Aquarius at this moment. In the future, you will suddenly develop a bad drinking habit which will upset your camel.

Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars for some shenanigans. Get ready to tweet. You will awaken to find yourself in a large bowl of bird’s nest soup.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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