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Archive for May, 2014

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 25th, 2014


horoscope chart

Here we are again folks.

Get ready for another batch of celestial prognostications.

Things have settled down at Horror-Scope Central.

The solar chart readers have been working furiously to give you the latest results of their endeavors.

There’s good and there’s bad.

In other words, a typical week of lunacy.

Enjoy…

Aries… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter is significant for you. In the distant future, you could be impaled by a narwhale in Whales while you’re watching whales. We don’t have the details.

Taurus… Saturn is in its seventh house this week washing windows. Get your computer warmed up. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, ” Cockeyed Cooking With Casabas”.

Gemini… Once again, Venus is trine with German wine. Art is in the eye of the beholder. One day in the future, someone will paint a paisley pattern on a prominent protrusion of our body.

Cancer… The moon is in high orbit now and very shiny. You may be barking up the wrong tree. In the not too distant future, you will bring a seeing eye dog to a duck blind.

Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Can you feel it? When you have to go, you have to go. You will soon find a jackrabbit named Johnny in a john.

Virgo… Mars and Mercury are square right now after being trine. Get ready to play chicken. In the future, you will be arrested for plucking poultry on a parapet with Dennis Miller.

Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. Shop till you drop. Sometime in the distant future, you will become enthralled in a mall just before a fall.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. This is better than a lava lamp. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, “Baking With Basalt.

Sagittarius… Saturn is trine with Sagittarius. Hop to it. Someday in the future, you will lose all your hair, or hares. It isn’t clear at this time.

Capricorn… The sun is trine with Pluto now. Get ready for this. In the near future, you will begin an argument with yourself, but you will lose.

Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aquarius. Get your sun glasses on. You will soon spray hundreds of containers of sun block into the air. Your efforts will be in vain. It won’t block the sun.

Pisces… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. Be aware of this. Your enemies are planning to coagulate you. They just might do a bloody good job of it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Bacon Battle Begins


Bacon

Bacon festival attendees lodge complaints with Maryland attorney general’s office

People are upset that the Beer Bacon Music festival wasn’t really all-you-can-eat.

FREDERICK , Md., May 21 (UPI)

Some bacon fans are getting the authorities involved after they allegedly paid up to $125 for an all-you-can-eat event and only received a few strips.

Multiple Beer Bacon Music festival-goers have complained to the Maryland attorney general’s office after attending the two-day festival in Frederick.

More than 5,000 people attended the festival and they were supposed to get a chance to indulge in two tons of bacon and more than 100 varieties of beer.

Irene Hafner waited for over an hour-and-a-half for her shot at the bacon bar and walked away empty-mouthed. “Not one piece of bacon got in my mouth,” she told the Frederick News-Post. “I got a T-shirt, a turkey sandwich and probably a total of one beer for $125.”

Event promoter Kevin MacFawn said that at least 35 people have asked for refunds but that it’s uncertain whether those requests will be granted.

An attorney who attended the event, James Braswell, said that MacFawn would be hearing from him via a complaint mentioning unfair trade practices and fraud. “If one is going to advertise all-you-can-eat bacon, you better have all-you-can-eat bacon,” he said.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/21/Bacon-festival-attendees-lodge-complaints-with-Maryland-attorney-generals-office/6941400676053/#ixzz32MC50L8R

Hmmm…

Some folks got upset over bacon,
Their poor hearts were truly achin’.
Some attendees were surely shaken,
So legal action was taken.

They thought that could eat,
A lot of the tasty treat.
But there wasn’t enough of the meat,
Many customers felt defeat.

They were promised at least two tons,
So that they could have some fun,
Eating bacon with or sans buns,
But they ran out, making folks stunned.

They paid a lot of cash,
For that big bacon bash,
But their hopes were soon dashed,
Now comes a legal clash.

Some people are calling it fraud,
So they called up a legal squad,
To sue, which isn’t so odd,
Over planning that was truly flawed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 18th, 2014


horoscope chart

A celestial welcome to all of you.

Here are this week’s best predictions.

It has been a difficult week.

Several of our crack staff (four capuchin monkeys) are out with the swine flu.

The aardvark and one monkey named Merlin were left to interpret the charts.

Well, that’s life in the big world of Horror-scoping.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is square with Aries now. You won’t need a bow tie for this. Your enemies are planning to squeeze you into a quiver.

Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert. Soon you will encounter an old valise, the local police and possibly Cyd Charisse. It isn’t clear at this time.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house meeting with a realtor. Get out your autograph book. In the future, you will meet Mini Driver while driving a Mini.

Cancer… The Earth is trine with Cancer at the moment. Soon you will encounter something scary, something very hairy, and then you will become quite weary.

Leo… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Leo at this time. Play it cool. In the future, you will be called Hot Pockets.

Virgo… The Moon is in its second house waiting for a pest control technician. In the future, you will visit Sarasota, become addicted to serotonin, and crave Sara Lee pastries.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now. You will awaken to find that your vagus nerve has gone to Las Vegas to gamble and lose all your savings.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at the moment. Be prepared. In the future you may become insane, or just incontinent. It could go either way.

Sagittarius… The sun is rising somewhere at this moment. You will develop spider veins, then suddenly you will become an arachnophobic.

Capricorn… Mercury is descending at this time. In the distant future, the site of a scythe will make you sigh.

Aquarius… Pluto is busy digging up old bones. In the future, you will be proven innocent, but you will then become incoherent, like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. In the future, you will eat pork, or a pork pie hat. It could go either way.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, the simple pleasures of life will become complex and difficult, but your pet aardvark will not notice any of your problems.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Eerie Ear Extraction


Rep-Joe-Garcia

Rep. Joe Garcia caught on camera picking his ear and eating it

WASHINGTON, May 14 (UPI) –

A Florida congressman who was elected to the House of Representatives in 2012 was caught on camera last week doing something that might have people picking differently when he runs for re-election.

Rep. Joe Garcia was at a House Judiciary Committee hearing last week when a C-SPAN camera appeared to capture him picking his ear and then eating what he had dug out.

In the clip, Garcia appears to look back down at this finger and then go back for seconds while Rep. Suzan DeIbene was speaking.

After getting some grief about the video, Garcia took to Twitter and blamed the whole thing on a hangnail.

Read more @: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/14/Rep-Joe-Garcia-caught-on-camera-picking-his-ear-and-eating-it/7481400071474/#ixzz31hQZvDP5

Hmmm…

A congressman picking his ear,
On camera so it does appear;
He picked some foul stuff,
If that ain’t enough,
He ate it without any fear.

A camera picked up his gross action,
To the congressman’s dissatisfaction,
It went on the air,
But he didn’t care,
About his constituent’s reaction.

Is that guy concerned about wax,
Or some legislative facts?
He went back for more,
While a speech he ignored,
Is he just a political hack?

He’s trying to get re-elected,
Even though he was detected;
Having a lick,
Of ear wax he picked,
Let’s hope that he isn’t selected.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 11th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hi there, all you fellow sky watchers.

Ready for another week of practical prognostications?

We certainly are.

My team of crack chart readers (five capuchin monkeys and an aardvark) have worked their tails off to come up with this week’s compilation of perfect predictions just for you.

Yes, we mean you. Just you. No one else.

We hope you are satisfied.

If not, better luck next week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mercury is falling now, like in a nightmare. It’s very frightened. In the future, you will be feared, or seared. It could go either way.

Taurus… Venus is rising higher and higher due to a drug overdose. You should know that your enemies are planning to sacrifice you using your alter ego.

Gemini… The Earth is on the cusp of Gemini. You will soon become the center of attention when you are forced to enter the military service.

Cancer… Saturn is descending to a new low. Be forewarned. In spite of future desires, don’t date a spelunker. They only want you to cave in to their demands.

Leo… The Sun is sizzling at this time. Beware and be careful. Your enemies are planning to slowly simmer you over an open flame.

Virgo… Neptune is trine with Virgo now. You will soon encounter a large, slithering snake, a scary snowflake, and/or a garden rake. It is unclear at this time.

Libra… Uranus is in its fifth house for a termite inspection. Be aware. Someone is trying to make an untimely time lapse movie of you to upload to YouTube.

Scorpio… The moon is square with Scorpio but wants to be oblique. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune after writing a bestseller called, “Look, There’s A Crock Pot In You Crotch”.

Sagittarius… Wow! Mars is both trine and square with Sagittarius now. That’s very rare. In the future, you will awaken to find yourself mean, menial, and not very meaningful, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Jupiter is on the cusp of Capricorn now. We have determined that soon you will encounter a culinary clove, a scary alcove, or a very hot stove. It is unclear at this time.

Aquarius… Mercury is trine with Aquarius at the moment. Be aware. You will suddenly develop a fear of Zamfir, Douglas firs and first editions.

Pisces… Pluto is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, you will become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, only to find out later that it’s a national chain of fake psychics from Albania.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Fighting Feeds Friendships


Couple arguing

Study Finds Backing Down In Fight With Loved One Extremely Harmful To Relationship

BOSTON—

A study published this week by psychologists at Northeastern University has determined that even a single instance of backing down during a fight with a significant other can inflict severe damage upon the relationship, often causing irreparable harm.

“When a person is in the midst of a heated argument with a romantic partner, we found that nothing is more detrimental to the stability of your relationship than budging from your point of view, regardless of how minor the conflict is,” said study co-author Jenna Herzig-Watts, adding that when an individual surrenders even an inch of ground during such a dispute, he or she appears undesirably weak and vulnerable, undermining any possibility of lasting intimacy and in many cases prompting the person’s partner to initiate a breakup, divorce, or one or more extramarital affairs.”

“According to our analysis, the best thing you can do is just dig in your heels and keep fighting.”

While it may be tempting to remain coolheaded and look for ways to resolve the disagreement, you’re ensuring the long-term strength of your bond by erupting in anger and bringing up as many hurtful and completely unrelated matters as possible.”

Herzig-Watts went on to state that a good rule of thumb for handling fights with a spouse or partner is to never stop screaming until you’re absolutely positive you’ve gotten the last word in.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-backing-down-in-fight-with-loved-one-e,35937/

Hmmm…

You should never stop a good fight,
Regardless of who’s wrong or right;
Keep the spat going,
And love will keep growing,
Keep on fighting all through the night.

Dig your heels in, is what they say,
It is serious not just a play;
Keep your partner at bay,
Throughout the whole day,
It is really the only sound way.

You should never, ever back down,
Just keep wearing a big sad frown,
It’s all for the best,
Consider it a test,
It’s advice from someone renown.

It’s best you let out a good scream,
Or you could break up your dream team;
Yell all you can,
While you take a stand,
Regardless of how it may seem.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Food Finds Infuriate Female


Grocery  shopping

Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts

NORTHAMPTON, MA—

With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.

As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost.

Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.

“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”

“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”

Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns.

Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.

“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.

Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-a-leading-authority-on-what-shouldnt-be-in-p,35922/

Hmmm…

A woman checks grocery carts,
To her it’s become an fine art;
Though it might be rude,
She checks out the food,
She thinks that she really is smart.

She feels that the poor buy wrong foods,
They might buy according to moods;
They fail in nutrition,
Which lead to conditions,
In kids who become crude and rude.

The poor should really eat better,
Says this nutrition go-getter;
They should eat healthy stuff,
Not that Marshmallow Fluff.
They should be nutrition trend setters.

They could really save some money too,
If they bought real food, not sweet goo;
If they used common sense,
They could save many cents,
And have cash for their phone bill when due.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 4th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hello friends.

Ready for another taste of Celestial hijinx?

We are, or we wouldn’t even be here.

As usual, our super staff has scoured the solar system hoping to find the best prognostications for you.

But, the charts are what they are.

We can’t change your fate.

So be forewarned and be careful.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is trine with Aries at the moment. You will soon become a real go getter, however after a short while there won’t be any more go’s to get

Taurus… Pluto is in its third house looking for Snoopy. This week you will encounter something hectic, a stinging antiseptic and something eclectic.

Gemini…
Mars is on the cusp of Gemini now. You will soon take part in a wrestling match. You will be pinned by a piñata or Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Venus is descending at the moment and has become depressed over it. Stay away from all grains this week. They are out to make your life miserable.

Leo… Saturn is square with Leo now, but wants to borrow a few dollars for a date. Your enemies are planning to test your aerodynamic abilities in a wind tunnel.

Virgo… The Sun is on the cusp of Virgo now and Virgo is getting hotter. You will soon be belittled for sucking a binky when riding a bike, while wearing a bikini.

Libra… Neptune is rising at the moment and is ready for another day. You will soon be eclectic with some things electric.

Scorpio… The Earth is mellowing out now. Your enemies are planning to use your hippocampus for illegal activities.

Sagittarius… Venus is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. You will write a bestseller called, “How to Mend A Broken Heart Using Crazy Glue”.

Capricorn… Uranus is descending and is trine with Capricorn now. Soon your only excuse in life will be, “Next time, I’ll try to do it right”.

Aquarius… Mars is square with Aquarius at this time. Your reputation will become tarnished. You will polish it, but a hail storm will destroy the finish.

Pisces… Mercury is on the cusp of Pisces at the moment. You will write a bestseller called, “Cooking With Conundrums”.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Burger King Broadens Breakfast


spam

TOKYO, May 1 (UPI) –

The fast food breakfast war in Japan is in full effect and Burger King has decided to enter the fray with a new offering — a SPAM and cheese burger.

BK Japan’s SPAM & Cheese, which comes on a whole-wheat bun with usual burger fixings like pickles, mayo and lettuce, is priced at $3.42 and comes with a coffee or juice.

Other new breakfast items at BK Japan include a BK Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard, a Bolognese Burger with tomato sauce or a BLT Burger.

This is apparently not the first time that BK Japan has chosen to put SPAM on its menu.

The chain also debuted a line of mini SPAM sliders in June 2011 that were marketed towards Japanese women with the slogan, “What women want, what women get.”

The Huffington Post reported that Burger King’s Hawaiian locations started selling a SPAM Platter — which featured two slices of the canned meat with white rice and scrambled eggs — in 2007.

Read more @: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/01/Burger-King-introduces-SPAM-and-cheese-burger-in-Japan-for-breakfast/7611398966149/#ixzz30V9zh85B

Hmmm…

BK is serving SPAM and cheese,
They’re hoping that it will soon please,
The breakfast hungry Japanese,
Selling it should be a real breeze.

They’re putting it on a wheat bun,
They’re hoping that it won’t be shunned,
When the breakfast day is all done,
In the land of the rising sun.

They tried SPAM on other isles,
They sure got a lot of smiles,
In their new Hawaiian trials,
The data’s in their files.

Now, will a BK one day,
Serve SPAM in the USA?
Will we see it on display?
It could be a daring play.

SPAM’s served with most anything,
Just plain or with lots of bling,
It could be the new dining thing,
That would make BK registers ring.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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