Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts
NORTHAMPTON, MA—
With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.
As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost.
Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.
“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”
“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”
Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns.
Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.
“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.
Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-a-leading-authority-on-what-shouldnt-be-in-p,35922/
Hmmm…
A woman checks grocery carts,
To her it’s become an fine art;
Though it might be rude,
She checks out the food,
She thinks that she really is smart.
She feels that the poor buy wrong foods,
They might buy according to moods;
They fail in nutrition,
Which lead to conditions,
In kids who become crude and rude.
The poor should really eat better,
Says this nutrition go-getter;
They should eat healthy stuff,
Not that Marshmallow Fluff.
They should be nutrition trend setters.
They could really save some money too,
If they bought real food, not sweet goo;
If they used common sense,
They could save many cents,
And have cash for their phone bill when due.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts
NORTHAMPTON, MA—
With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.
As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost.
Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.
“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”
“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”
Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns.
Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.
“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.
Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-a-leading-authority-on-what-shouldnt-be-in-p,35922/
Hmmm…
A woman checks grocery carts,
To her it’s become an fine art;
Though it might be rude,
She checks out the food,
She thinks that she really is smart.
She feels that the poor buy wrong foods,
They might buy according to moods;
They fail in nutrition,
Which lead to conditions,
In kids who become crude and rude.
The poor should really eat better,
Says this nutrition go-getter;
They should eat healthy stuff,
Not that Marshmallow Fluff.
They should be nutrition trend setters.
They could really save some money too,
If they bought real food, not sweet goo;
If they used common sense,
They could save many cents,
And have cash for their phone bill when due.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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