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horoscope chart

Hi there, all you fellow sky watchers.

Ready for another week of practical prognostications?

We certainly are.

My team of crack chart readers (five capuchin monkeys and an aardvark) have worked their tails off to come up with this week’s compilation of perfect predictions just for you.

Yes, we mean you. Just you. No one else.

We hope you are satisfied.

If not, better luck next week.


Aries… Mercury is falling now, like in a nightmare. It’s very frightened. In the future, you will be feared, or seared. It could go either way.

Taurus… Venus is rising higher and higher due to a drug overdose. You should know that your enemies are planning to sacrifice you using your alter ego.

Gemini… The Earth is on the cusp of Gemini. You will soon become the center of attention when you are forced to enter the military service.

Cancer… Saturn is descending to a new low. Be forewarned. In spite of future desires, don’t date a spelunker. They only want you to cave in to their demands.

Leo… The Sun is sizzling at this time. Beware and be careful. Your enemies are planning to slowly simmer you over an open flame.

Virgo… Neptune is trine with Virgo now. You will soon encounter a large, slithering snake, a scary snowflake, and/or a garden rake. It is unclear at this time.

Libra… Uranus is in its fifth house for a termite inspection. Be aware. Someone is trying to make an untimely time lapse movie of you to upload to YouTube.

Scorpio… The moon is square with Scorpio but wants to be oblique. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune after writing a bestseller called, “Look, There’s A Crock Pot In You Crotch”.

Sagittarius… Wow! Mars is both trine and square with Sagittarius now. That’s very rare. In the future, you will awaken to find yourself mean, menial, and not very meaningful, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Jupiter is on the cusp of Capricorn now. We have determined that soon you will encounter a culinary clove, a scary alcove, or a very hot stove. It is unclear at this time.

Aquarius… Mercury is trine with Aquarius at the moment. Be aware. You will suddenly develop a fear of Zamfir, Douglas firs and first editions.

Pisces… Pluto is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, you will become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, only to find out later that it’s a national chain of fake psychics from Albania.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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