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horoscope chart

A celestial welcome to all of you.

Here are this week’s best predictions.

It has been a difficult week.

Several of our crack staff (four capuchin monkeys) are out with the swine flu.

The aardvark and one monkey named Merlin were left to interpret the charts.

Well, that’s life in the big world of Horror-scoping.


Aries… Uranus is square with Aries now. You won’t need a bow tie for this. Your enemies are planning to squeeze you into a quiver.

Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert. Soon you will encounter an old valise, the local police and possibly Cyd Charisse. It isn’t clear at this time.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house meeting with a realtor. Get out your autograph book. In the future, you will meet Mini Driver while driving a Mini.

Cancer… The Earth is trine with Cancer at the moment. Soon you will encounter something scary, something very hairy, and then you will become quite weary.

Leo… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Leo at this time. Play it cool. In the future, you will be called Hot Pockets.

Virgo… The Moon is in its second house waiting for a pest control technician. In the future, you will visit Sarasota, become addicted to serotonin, and crave Sara Lee pastries.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now. You will awaken to find that your vagus nerve has gone to Las Vegas to gamble and lose all your savings.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at the moment. Be prepared. In the future you may become insane, or just incontinent. It could go either way.

Sagittarius… The sun is rising somewhere at this moment. You will develop spider veins, then suddenly you will become an arachnophobic.

Capricorn… Mercury is descending at this time. In the distant future, the site of a scythe will make you sigh.

Aquarius… Pluto is busy digging up old bones. In the future, you will be proven innocent, but you will then become incoherent, like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. In the future, you will eat pork, or a pork pie hat. It could go either way.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, the simple pleasures of life will become complex and difficult, but your pet aardvark will not notice any of your problems.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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