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horoscope chart

Here we are again folks.

Get ready for another batch of celestial prognostications.

Things have settled down at Horror-Scope Central.

The solar chart readers have been working furiously to give you the latest results of their endeavors.

There’s good and there’s bad.

In other words, a typical week of lunacy.


Aries… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter is significant for you. In the distant future, you could be impaled by a narwhale in Whales while you’re watching whales. We don’t have the details.

Taurus… Saturn is in its seventh house this week washing windows. Get your computer warmed up. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, ” Cockeyed Cooking With Casabas”.

Gemini… Once again, Venus is trine with German wine. Art is in the eye of the beholder. One day in the future, someone will paint a paisley pattern on a prominent protrusion of our body.

Cancer… The moon is in high orbit now and very shiny. You may be barking up the wrong tree. In the not too distant future, you will bring a seeing eye dog to a duck blind.

Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Can you feel it? When you have to go, you have to go. You will soon find a jackrabbit named Johnny in a john.

Virgo… Mars and Mercury are square right now after being trine. Get ready to play chicken. In the future, you will be arrested for plucking poultry on a parapet with Dennis Miller.

Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. Shop till you drop. Sometime in the distant future, you will become enthralled in a mall just before a fall.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. This is better than a lava lamp. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, “Baking With Basalt.

Sagittarius… Saturn is trine with Sagittarius. Hop to it. Someday in the future, you will lose all your hair, or hares. It isn’t clear at this time.

Capricorn… The sun is trine with Pluto now. Get ready for this. In the near future, you will begin an argument with yourself, but you will lose.

Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aquarius. Get your sun glasses on. You will soon spray hundreds of containers of sun block into the air. Your efforts will be in vain. It won’t block the sun.

Pisces… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. Be aware of this. Your enemies are planning to coagulate you. They just might do a bloody good job of it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 25th, 2014" (3)

  1. I do it all the time.

  2. Losing an argument with yourself is always… fun.

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