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astrology

A hearty salute to all you Celestial Sphere watchers.

Here is the latest edition of your weekly look into the future.

We bring you Google, gravity, and greatness.

It’s all just for you, our dear readers.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is on the cusp of Aries now. Soon you will become visibly embarrassed and run away when you hear the word appendage used in conversations.

Taurus… The Sun is parallel with Taurus at the moment. You will soon oogle something on Google while you gargle with gorgonzola.

Gemini… Saturn’s rings are shining more than ever at this time. Here’s something light but scientific. Soon your status will become gratis…in zero gravity.

Cancer… Uranus is trine with Cancer and approaching the cusp of Virgo. You are lucky at this time. Saturn is only three degrees off of its radiant plane at the moment. One more degree either way spells misfortune. In the future, you will meet someone rotund named Rhoda in a rotunda.

Leo… The Moon is on the cusp of Leo at this time but wishes to be square with it. We hope you get the point of this prediction and act accordingly. In the future, you will be lost in the folds of a quilt made of quills. Ouch!

Virgo… Mars is trine with Virgo now and that is fine. Have some pain medication handy. In the future you will take things with a grain of salt, a grain of sugar, and pure grain alcohol. You will then end up with a migraine.

Libra… Mercury is declining at this time, but hopes to do better soon. Don’t worry. Soon you will make all the right connections. In no time, electricity will be flowing throughout your entire body.

Scorpio… Rejoice! Venus is in apogee now. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune when you reveal Victoria’s hidden “Secret” to the world. Then you will be sued for millions of dollars.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in its fourth house now building a new dog house in the back yard. You will suddenly become visibly embarrassed and scream when hearing the word bodice spoken in conversations.

Capricorn… Mars is in opposition to Capricorn at this time in the Celestial Sphere. This one is short and sweet. Someday, you will meet a zombie on a zamboni in Zaire.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury at this time. It’s a touchy arrangement. In the future, you will write a bestseller called, “Cordless Cooking For Cockneys”.

Pisces… The Earth is in its second house to make it energy efficient and green. You will soon visit the beach where you will be mesmerized by a shell game, and Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Comments on: "Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 8th, 2014" (6)

  1. 😀

  2. A Zamboni in Zaire? That will be the day! lol

  3. Just open your mouth and S C R E A M !. It’s a natural reaction among humans in times of terror. LOL

  4. Sagittarius. 😀

  5. Sorry. What sign are you?

  6. I’m about to scream! How do I do that? 😉

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